I can't remember the last time I've been to this site but from the time I have, all I can say is that things have NOT gotten better.

I don't think I've really spread out the story of my life but for sanity sakes, I might as well.

I've had depression since middle school but it really didn't come up until later in high school, especially when I was a junior and senior. Whenever I told my mother about how I was feeling, she always dismissed it as me being 'evil' or mean to her or that I would snap out of it later on in life. Much to that point, I never have or I wouldn't be here typing up a storm. Nonetheless, things haven't gotten too much better for me. At this point in my life, there are times when I feel suicidal and then there are times when I feel like shoving the face of anyone who attempts to give me advice through a glass encrusted block of wood. I know that sounds violent but when you're shoved the same repeated advice over and over again and nothing helps, you tend to lose faith and patience in those around you.

For the most part, I have been told that I am making my depression up or that God wants me to be depressed. I am NOT a religious person but by that I mean, there are too many religions on the face of the earth to be the one and after hearing stories of friends who were ignored because they didn't 'believe in GOD hard enough' I decided to let go of this organized stuff and ATTEMPT to be my own person. To hear that God does or doesn't want me to do stuff is hard enough as it is but to heard this CONSTANTLY and never getting a break from it? That's too much if you ask me, especially when I would give my right foot to get out of the current situation and place that I'm in right now.

I've had too many negative things happen to me in the course of about eight years and not enough 'good' things to counteract it. What makes me even more depressed is the fact that when chances arise for me to get out of here, something always blocks me. The biggest thing being my chance to go to an art college in San Francisco. I live in Indiana and I have wanted for YEARS to finally get a chance to go somewhere, but when the chance arose, I didn't get support or congratulations. Instead, I got HATRED from my mother who is convinced that I SMITE her for even signing up for the school and the 'God doesn't want you to go! Stay here!' from my aunt. I HAD a chance to go but without support, or money, I CAN'T go. Another opportunity missed but at this point, maybe I should get used to missing out on MORE things because THIS IS WHAT GOD WANTS. HE WANTS ME TO BE DEPRESSED TO THE POINT OF JUMPING IN FRONT OF A BUS. ITS PROOF THAT HE LOVES ME WHEN OTHERS DON'T SUPPORT ME WHEN I DESPERTLY TRY TO GET AWAY.

Seriously, my mother and aunt want me to be happy but their actions aren't helping. Telling me to wait for God isn't helping because I've been waiting for YEARS and at this point, I don't think I can last, especially with the pressures that are on me at the time. I DESPERTLY want freedom; from the depression and from this life. At points, there were times when I would have PAID someone to kidnap me from here...

Darkness,

First and foremost, welcome back and hope you will keep us posted on how you are doing here. Lots of people care and are willing to listen to you.

I know what you mean when you say you are sick of hearing advice. It can become monotonous, especially when it is coming from people who do not understand or sympathize with people who suffer from depression. I really hate hearing the phrase "Man up!" or "Cowboy up!", it makes me angry because I physically cannot man up.

Issues of mental health have really only recently started to take the stage among the serious major concerns confronting our social system. I know that many older generations tend to regard psychology as quackery. Adding condemning religious undertones to this regard only tightens the noose. I'm sorry you don't have anyone in your immediate surrounding that can take you seriously. You will find many understanding voices on these forums though, so please feel free to inquire or vent.

Do you mind if I ask if you are in therapy or taking any medication? See you around.

regards,
Dragsum

No, I don't take meds or theapy mainly because my mother is against them and believes I don't deserve to be depressed anyway. Most of the time, I have found myself moving more and more towards suicide as I have found that at night I constant ask for someone to just kill me. I try to keep a solid face in public but for the most, I am burnt out, worn out and very much hate every moment of my own life. It gets even more frustrating when my family, mostly my mother, think I am being spoiled or playing them (that's her words) which I am not.

Have you heard the story about the man drowning??

I'll write it below:

While out to sea, a large boat became shipwrecked and there was only a single survivor. This man prayed and asked God to save his life. Soon thereafter, another boat came by and offered the man some help.

"No thanks," he said. "I'm waiting for God to save me."

The men on the boat shrugged their shoulders and continued. As the man became more deeply concerned, another boat came by. Again, the people aboard offered this man some help, and again he politely decline. "I'm waiting for God to save me," he said again.

After some time, the man began to lose his faith, and soon after that he died. Upon reaching Heaven, he had a chance to speak with God briefly.

"Why did you let me die? Why didn't you answer my prayers?"

"Dummy, I sent you two boats!"

-----

I don't know about you but it sounds as though God came and offered you the opportunity of art college as your freedom....so i can't understand why your aunt and mother continue to tell you to wait....what are you supposed to be waiting for exactly? In my eyes depression can give us the opportunity to identify our strengths and weaknesses....it gives us new depths of empathy, it allows for great joy when we actually manage to accomplish something as mundane as getting out of bed. I believe that our parents should be respected but they are not always right and God wants us to think and question everything. Our paths will be different from everyone elses so though waiting may be the action of your mother, it is not your path necessarily. Personally, I would apply for art school and try and get a grant from the state to help with costs - maybe this is the path God wants you to take and that is why your mum and aunt didn't offer support? I believe if you want something enough God will help you but it isn't going to land straight into your lap just by waiting like your family seems to believe. I understand it is frustrating, i have screamed for help many times and felt utterly alone....but i'm starting to realise just because the door i want to open wont, doesn't mean that there isn't another door just around the corner wide open ready to let me through.

Sometimes, all that is needed is a change of perspective.