What could be wrong with me?

I feel sad inside
I feel hopeless often but later feel like I can be successful
I feel like I am great at things but also feel that I must be bad at them if I never succeded
I feel that no matter how hard I try, I will fail and usually do
I don't like being around people in public places
I hide under a hat everywhere I go
I have extreme mood swings
I don't trust anyone
I think most people are lying and decietful toward me
I have had over 40 jobs
I have lived in over 30 different places
I hate you, please don't leave me
I have little to no friends
I sometimes have trouble concentrating on one task and therefore try to do many at once. Sometimes it works and sometimes It makes me frustrated and confused and I have to stop everything and start over.
I feel that people think I am lazy or strange
I always feel that I can't take care of myself and am dependent on others
I can be very verbally abusive to others but regret it afterward
I am very embarassed to let people know how I feel about things inside
I am great at helping others with their problems and giving advice but aweful at helping myself
I feel that doctors are simply educated people but have no clue how I really feel and therefore cannot help me
I feel that nobody I have ever met feels like I do
I often have rapid thoughts or my mind is racing but I don't physically feel that way
I strongly avoid the thought of support groups because they are full of strangers although I am comfortable and open with my feelings online where I am not physically seen
I feel nobody who knows me personally could ever help me
I am usually shy and quiet in public unless I feel comfortable and was extremely shy as a child
I feel that i will never be where I wish i could be in life
I feel everyone has walked away and looks down on me
I am very impulsive without regard to the consequences
I make irrational decisions
I think the world would be better off without me but know I can't kill myself because I love my children
I attempted suicide at age 19
I purposely act out for affection when emotionally distraught including threats of suicide. I feel like dying but know I can't
I often feel like just yelling at the top of my lungs
Criticism deeply hurts me no matter how slight the comment is
I hate my appearance and body type

Very often, I feel like two different people

during anger attack I get the following:

Angry overreaction to small irritations
Inappropriate anger directed towards others
heart pounding, racing
sweating
mild shaking
tingling, itching skin
fear of losing control
hot flashes
feeling like attacking others
attacking others (physically, verbally)
throwing, destroying objects

other characteristics:

Sense presence of things not there but do not hallucinate or have delusions
Sleep average of 6 hours a night restlessly

This post has been edited by Disordered_Solitude: Jul 30 2008, 04:19 PM

(((Disordered Solitude))), that is very expressive of you. You got a lot of feelings and experiences down in a unique way. You are not alone in this. Welcome to the DF, by the way.
I can understand a lot of your experiences you've written like being shy as a child and in public, like being sensitive to criticsm, being suicidal at an early age, and others as well. You are not alone. I am sorry for your pain.
Take care of yourself.

Whitelilly

I'm afraid I won't be much help. I'm not successfully conquering my own demons and I should seek help. That being said - I REALLY felt your pain and wanted to you to the forum. I feel in the depth of despair a lot of the day, but I am not fighting the fight you are. I post here only to tell you you are appreciated and even though I am not sure where God and I are these days - you are in my prayers. (not meaning to offend if you aren't religious.) (((BIG HUGS))))

Thank you both. It is nice not to be laughed at.

Hi Disordered Solitude

Welcome to DF.
That must have been hard for you to write that all down and I think its wonderful that you did.
We are not professionals, so can not tell what is wrong with you, but the way you are feeling sounds very much like a form of depression. Your best bet would be to go to a professional and print out this post and try and get an official diagnosis. Have you been through a lot of trauma in your life?
You must be hurting a lot inside to feel this way and people probably don't see how much you are hurting, they probably just think you are being distant and hurtful.
Have you thought of therapy or counseling to work through this inner hurt, it seems so deep?

We are here for you.
Trace

We're not professionals and cannot give you a diagnosis. However, many of the symptoms you listed point towards depression and a few other mental health illnesses. Read the depression articals we have and Google "depression" for further information. Depression is the major cause of disability worldwide. Many people go without proper treatment due to the stigma attatched to mental illness or embarassment. Please, see a MH professional for proper diagnosis and a treatment plan. Therapy is beneficial in helping you to learn how to love and nurture yourself first. When you do this, You can begin to move forward towards recovery.
Sheepwoman

Hey dude i just wanted to let you know that your not alone in this *** world. Im going through a really difficult relapse right now (feel like the most pathetic person in this world whos always going to be alone) and i recently started treatment. Also Ive felt some of the symptoms youve had and I can assure you that thats your depression talking not you! Have you ever been on treatment??? If so what kind? Let us know so that we can share some insight.

Thank you all. I have hidden this inside for 14 years so it has done a lot of damage, especially in relationships but I am losing the one relationship that I really do not want to lose and decided to finally get help. I am going through mental health right now. Went today and they put you through orientation. Funny thing is, there were like 15 other people in thios room with me and it was driving me crazy in itself. Just seems like a process to them.

I appreciate the help and think writing here may help too. :-)

p.s. a picture on the wall in mental health was by Van Gogh. Thought that was ironic.

Well, so it goes. While continuing to go to appointments, they are few and far between. In the meantime, the only love I had decided that she couldn't take it anymore and had to leave. I completely dropped out and ended up in the psych ward for a day and the only good thing about being released is that I felt much more comfortable back at home even though the emptyness of being alone pains me so. I pray for the strength to now go through this alone, without her hand to treasure. I pray for the strength to heal and maybe, have my heart filled again with the love I so adored but didn't know how to keep. The hardest days are now as my eyes breed constant rain. I pray for the pain and fear to subside.

I express my feelings lately though video.



This post has been edited by Trace82: Aug 7 2008, 06:53 AM