I've been beating my head against a wall, desperately trying to figure out why people disliking me has bothered me so much and I finally figured it out.

In almost all the previous periods in my life, I've had at least one good friend to call to talk to. In fact in recent years, I've really been loved and accepted by a lot of people. The only time I didn't have friends was when I was at home with my first child and I weighed 230 pounds. Pretty sure I was depressed then - but I also had mostly minimal stress.

In high school, some of my friends were crappy, but I had a couple of good ones that emerged, and I always had at least one person in my corner.

When I took a job when my son was 2, I was widely liked and accepted - I felt like I had come home. Well many of those people were very talented and it was a tech company and they went to various places when the business went south. I moved to a job with my best friend - but she was my boss and our relationship changed.

However - job #2 - still lots of friends - total acceptance by my coworkers and we did lots of fun stuff.

Then this last year I was in friend bliss. I had a bunch of moms I started doing stuff with too. And the kids got along and I had a day a week off to hang with them. My problem became managing my friendships and keeping communication going with all of them.

Well then 2 of my closest friends at work moved a ways away to start new lives. And some of the moms quit returning my calls - maybe I was overbearing - I don't know. Work picked up at the company I worked at and I became very stressed on top of losing the people in my life that accepted me for me going from a 30 hour workweek to not only full time, but stressful full time.

I still have a wonderful husband and kids, but I miss my friends. I came to the realization last night, that other than my SWEET husband, I have no one in my life that unconditionally accepts me and it's been since high school (I'm 36) that that has been the case. If I didn't have him - I would have no one. And there's no good way to fix that. I have people I talk to, but none are excited about me. I'm a weird girl who gets along best with techies and we have none of those anymore - I work with girly girls who don't really understand me or entirely like me.

Yes I can go out and meet people - I'm sure people will tell me to join a church (already go to one) but my best friends and the people that understood me liked me because they were like me - liked Star Wars, and Princess Bride, and yet liked other things like sports too. I've only been able to meet those people through work at 2 different technology companies and my work is no longer like that - my last friend of that ilk moved one month ago.

So there, I guess I've figured it out - I went from having almost too many friends, if there is such a thing, to having none. But I don't know that I feel any better for knowing it. I'm too weird to maintain friendships with regular people.

NickyLynn

I learnt a long time ago that you will be able to count your true friends in your lifetime on one hand. People that really know you, love you for who you are and completely understand you. Ones who don't run away when the going gets tough. All the ones in between are more like aquantances (sp?).
It can be very hard to make friends like these when you are different, unless you meet people with the same form of different to you. I am weird too. People start to talk to me and then the more they get to know me, it's like....um....ok, this one is too strange, but you know what it does not matter, because I will be my own friend and one day people will be your friend for the right reasons.
It is hard when you are alone, you are lucky to have your husband, so you are not completely alone.
You have us too.

Trace

i Quote:

I'm a weird girl who gets along best with techies and we have none of those anymore - I work with girly girls who don't really understand me or entirely like me

I met a girl that sounds just like you im a service enginner so i meet different types all day long, i stood and talked to her for about an hour she went on about molecular structures, pc tenchno the lot ! everything, brilliant! i had to go home and sit with the wife and the best i get is emmerdale

So the difference is compatitbility more cos you said youv had friends before so you managed it then so you cant be that weird surley, When i got talking to this girl after a while it became apparant she had a clever educated father who created a big impression on her,

Simon

Well I'm not even that brilliant myself - just normal - I just like geeky stuff more than anything. But Simon, your response and Tracey's warmed my heart. I feel REALLY REALLY alone. I took a day off and I'm home with the kids but I have been hiding crying and trying to get myself together when they come and ask me stuff (they are old enough to keep themselves entertained - 12 and 8.) I just keep thinking of the rest of my life as an outcast and I can't bear it. I WISH I had brilliance or something to fall back on, but I'm just normal with a touch of ADD. :) Thank you SO MUCH for talking to me. I'm so tired of scaring people away. I really am a nice person. I just must do stuff that makes people run. I ultimately offer almost nothing to the world by being here, but I don't really have a choice.

That was a very touching reply, when i read what you have just written i felt quiet emotional, i think the feelings you have of lonleyness i can identify with this place were you are now iv been there, i paused for thought there for quiet a long time as it brought it all back, you know when i was in the pits of it one day i was in the park with my yougest son who is 5 some poeple were walking across the park and came across, turns out they were from a church they stopped me and started to talk, (i thought oh here we go! bible bashers) now im not very religeous more if anything sort of a little spiritual, there were about 4 or 5 of them i started to talk to 2 woman they were quiet charming and id describe them as down to earth, very normal i seem to connect with them quiet quickley i remeber it very well one was called grace as the conversation went on i let it slip about having a real bad year, i just cant describe what happened in them moments i felt really powerful emotion when she touched my arm and held me supportive and loving the look in here eye and she said iv been in that place were you are the disconnection the loss, words just cannot convey it, tears started to come from my eyes it was like reaching a place of tempory safety regaining what i had lost i felt a connection back to were i used to be.
Depression seems to bring on worthless feelings and personally i think its felt in the company of others its uncomfortable what i think we want most is to connect with others yet its one of the most difficult things whilst depressed, i think i moved on when i realised the worth-less feelings i had was in fact depression and not really who i truely was, blimey everbody has these feelings to some extent, we all want to be accepted and to belong.
BE HERE(EXSIST), BE SEEN, ITS OK TO BE YOU, ITS OK TO BELONG(FAMILY),
WHY DONT YOU LEAVE THE DUMB AND UGLY CLUB, this was written in a brilliant book i read the author is a famous phycologist that has herself had a hard life, (the name is no the tip of my tounge), paragraphs are used in other books as guidance, she found that from years of experience and working with other therapist children grow up sometimes experiencing negative messages that are very strong and last lifetimes, DONT BE HERE(DONT EXSIST), DONT BE SEEN, ITS NOT OK TO BE YOU, DONT BELONG(FAMILY), the effect is devestating also sometimes you know we feel very strong emotions through our own children i think there stages of life sometimes bring back our own childhood and its felt, ill tell you this i nearly cracked up totally since having kids i was going insane and it took a good therapist about a year to work out what was going on, i had had a hellish childhood id avoided the pain, sorry im breaking down crying ioll have to go,you look after yourself

god bless simon

Hey there, I like Princess Bride and Star Wars too! I can be a girly girl but mostly prefer to hang out with the boys. It sounds to me that you're a lovely person who just feels a bit lonely and that's ok. And you said it yourself you have a lovely husband. I know it's not the same as having your own friends though. Have you tried settin g up a coffee morning for Mums maybe? That would give your confidence a boost methinks. Also, it doesn't sound like you have much 'me' time, like going shopping, taking a bath, taking yourself to lunch. Spoil yourself you deserve it!! Hope I helped a bit, I'm not an expert but I do care and have been there. Best of luck x

Oh Simon, what a lovely person you are. You come across as the type who would have thousands of friends - if for no other reason than the cool way you talk (obviously it's not a different way of talking where you live.) It's people like you that I end up connecting with - and recently the type I turn around and scare away. It's so odd because my clients I work with (I'm a tech writer at an online training company) think I'm so great, but that isn't much of a relationship to fall back on. It's the truly fascinating and interesting sort that I connect with - and they are always so mobile and transient - and I'm always here in this pathetic provincial town.

I read your reply and thought to myself - "There IS a God." There are REAL people out there if only I could find them. Your authenticity and genuine heart shine through in your post.

I think what's hard for me is I WAS seen as a child - I did grow up with a lot of support and love. (So why is that hard?) I don't understand where I went wrong. Why can't I foster and nurture positive relationships with others. I used to, but only with a rare sort - people who like to discuss politics, how contact lenses are made, and the philosphical why are we here, and episodes of Seinfeld and fascinating movies (like Brother Where Art Thou and Chocolat, and Signs.) I don't care about women's shoes or getting drunk on a Friday. I feel like I don't fit in with what is popular culture. And I think people see the fact that I am odd and have never heard of Mitch Hedburg's (sp?) comedy and they draw away from me. But I really AM NORMAL in a lot of ways - I tease my kids and use flashlights under the covers with them and hug them every day. (UNlike their mother - they are confident and very happy.)

Your story brought tears to my eyes as well. What a strange thing to feel like the person who understands you the best is a complete stranger.

BLESS YOUR HEART.
Nicky

Thanks Jophiel. :) It's not that I can't set up a time to meet with other people. It's that when I do, they don't tend to connect with me. :( I know that sounds self-centered, but I've been so burned recently with my neighbors. They are very small town and I bent over backwards to be pleasant when they turned away from me and openly snubbed me. I feel like I'm trapped in a badly written junior high movie starring a bunch of not very sexy 30-40 somethings. I've been trying to figure out if the look they give me in general is "we secretly think you're abusing your children" or more like "we hate your husband", "your children annoy us" or "we've overheard your dirty sex talk in the bedroom." Must be something - given the look they give me.

You and Simon should feel quite good. Your posts took me out of a very dark place this morning.

Hi NickyLynn, I gotta say I feel alot like you, see my post in here 'all by myself' My hubby is also my friend but remember you have your children to give you unconditional love and as they grow older to become amazing best buddies with.

Im a bit of a weird one, not a girly girl at all. The closest friends I have are male, but society doesn't seem to like that. I've said to my mother before, if only they were female they'd be great best friends.

Do you facebook, Bebo or myspace? You cold keep intouch with the friends that have moved away.

Big hugs

G

I'll check out your post. :) I would be terrified to MySpace. LOL. I'm so worried I'll find something accidentally or that people will spread bad information about me that way. I'm a mess, I know. That's the thing about guys - they're not so good at keeping in touch. My latest friend who left doesn't do the phone well. And because I'm usually always going to things with my family, the lower maintenance friends (guys) usually work better. But when they leave, it's almost like they've died.

I agree on the society thing. It always feels like you're out on a date by the way people react. And I've had trouble with jealous girlfriends occasionally too. And I really just click with them - that's all - I love my husband and have no desire to mess that up.

Hello,
Im 22, but can relate to some of the feelings expressed here too. I feel like most people pass a friendly hi and smile, but in reality don't really give a crap about me, really. Its hard to come by real friends, the ones you can talk to and not feel worried about what you say. ITs a huge blessing to find those kind.

Best of luck, I hope this forum helps you. I feel more connected by being on this forum. I feel like there are people who understand me better.

Nat

I know what it's like having a shortage of friends. I have one TRUE friend in my life. The rest are merely acquaintances. I'm not really sure what else to say, except that I think things will improve for you in time.

and I love Princess Bride. A few times in my life, someone has asked me to do something and I've replied with "As you wish." No one ever gets the reference...maybe it's a little vague, but still.

I think I understand what you are saying. I've been quite transient by entire life, so I leave friends behind everytime I move and have to make new ones. This sort if pattern probably doesn't allow me to 'bond' with new friends as deeply as I would like. I feel that they (acquaintances) don't understand me, and I do feel a little removed or lost at times.

And yes, I believe that it can cause you to feel down. Also, if you are going through an episode of depression, you can lost touch with your existing friends, it's just the nature of depression, that you want to crawl into a hole and talk to no one. You have to reach out again. This can be tough.

I think I'm going through a bit of that myself.

Chin up, smile and be you.

Paper Tiger - I get the feeling you and I could hang. "Inconceivable!" :) I think we are on the same page. By the way - rocking user ID and avatar! I wish I had thought mine over a little more carefully. :)