Hi, Glad I found this forum! Sorry if this is a little long and messy but im not good with expressing myself..

Well, at this stage of my life I do not know If I am actually depressed or not as I have not been to a doctor yet. It is only over the past few days that I have come to the realisation that what I am going through may actually be depression. Im just not sure.

I tried 5-6 online self help depression tests and most rated mild to severe depression. I answered as accurately as I can but I am still a little skeptical. Let me try and share with you how I feel and what is happening to me in this crappy existence.

Over the last few years I have slowly been dissafecting myself from my Faith of many years. A 24/7 faith which is basically or all or nothing. It was my life for the many yers I was fully active. I was a convert but married a lifelong member and we have 3 children. Going inactive in this church is a huge issue and my wife and kids are feeling the sting of my decision thats for sure. It hurts us all and I feel guilt for what I have done to them. My concerns started 6-7 years ago where the pressure of what was expected started to pile up and my personality changed from a really happy go lucky guy to a right old miserable hermit that I am now. I have really changed for the worse. The pressure of possibly loosing my family becasue of this is killing me and preventing me from showing love and kindness but I really want to change. I have good intentions to change but when it comes to it I cant, I really cant.

Now I am constantly worried about dying and having a serious illness. It's always on my mind. I do actually have IBS which started about 6 years ago. Now I am having horrible stomache issues which is slowly being investigated. I am always aching or in pain somewhere, most days and its taking its toll on me. I have convinced myself I have cancer or something.

Whats more I hardly ever communicate with my wife, preferring to shut myself away and waste my time on the computer. I just dont want to communicate as I find it so hard to do so. When I do it's frequently accompanied by sharp remarks or mild verbal insults. My mood swings are awful. I avoid as many social gatherig as possible and prefer to reamin at home, alone. I just find it too hard to enjoy anything. I can go from really happy to really really down in the dumps in an instant without explanation!

Its the same for my kids, if they ask me a silly question I really overeact and shout at them and then as a consequence feel REALLY bad and guilty afterwards. I shout at them all the time and really explode needlessly. I just dont have patience now but I cannot help it. Im not violent with them though. Dammit I hate being me. I am a failure to them and they deserver better.

I find staying asleep tough and very frequently wake up at night, sometimes very frequently and as a result am very tired. I generally have no motivation to do anything at all.

I dont have a social life other than the odd drink with a friend who I recently found via Facebook. The only friends I have had have been in the church but I dont see a lot of them any more. I see people in their group of friends having a great time and I feel sad and lonely becasue its not happening to me. I used to enjoy church social activities but not any longer. Most of my wifes family belong to the same religion and now I feel they all hate me becasue of my decision so I avoid family get togethers and become even more of a hermit.

To end I feel like I am deep down a large hole with no way out and dont like this existence. I want to be happy, less snappy, less irritable and more patience. Most of all I want to be close to my wife and childeren becasue I love them and dont want to loose them but I cant see that I will because I am worthless. I dont know, maybe they would be happier without me.

Im sorry for the rant, just need to vent.

Do you think this is possibly depression?

I'm tired tonight. All this unexpected heat ......... you need an 'off' button for your temper ......... NO ONE deserves to be shouted at ;-). Seeing your GP is the first means of support.

Hi Mike,

So sorry no one responded with anything useful.

I'll have a try.

OK. You say you don't know if you are depressed but have done 5 or 6 online self diagnosis tests all showing depression, including severely. So. These tests use exactly the same criteria that docs do Mike so the chances are the tests are giving you the right result. It's a matter of confirming or otherwise that online advice. Only one way. See a doctor and be honest with him/her.

These tests would not be allowed on the internet as they are if they weren't reasonably accurate. My guess from all you've written is you do have depression but there are so many variations and so on that you need a professionals opinion. A doctor. Local doctor. He or she may refer you on to a specialist but they should be able to give you a pretty clear idea up front. A word of caution here. Many GP's tend to want to prescribe meds once they decide depression is the problem.

Meds do help many but it is your decision whether you say yes or no to them. Usually it is best to try talk therapy first and turn to meds or a combination of therapy and meds if therapy alone doesn't help.

You then mention changing your faith. That alone is a huge step and you must have had valid reasons for so doing. What is not clear is whether your family are able to do what you have done or if there is some sort of restriction on such. I'm being subtle but it sounds to me very much like a cult type situation and you backing away can only be good for you in the long run. Any such faith that requires the type of commitment you refer to is highly suspect as I see it. And I feel you do too.

Clearly this needs to be resolved betweeen you and your family. I can't tell you how as I don't know the detail and probably wouldn't understand it. I am not tolerant of religions imposing on families and their roles. To be mild mate.

I don't know what IBS is and don't need to know, as you do. You are constantly worried about dying. Many of us go through that, many times actually. The thing to focus on is the reality of what illnesses you actually have and what medical science can do for you. Clearly if you don't see them then the answer is nothing.

It is highly normal to be afraid of finding out an answer we fear may be the worst. Reality though is that mostly the worst is not the answer we get. Certainly many people do get the worst news but by % it is relatively low. Look at it this way. The longer you avoid confronting these issues with the assistance of doctors the more you worry, the deeper your potential depression becomes and any other illness you do have will advance more than likely.

The key to curing or treating any illness is catching it as early as possible. So stop waiting, shut down the computer and ring your doctor. Today. Once you've done that and had the appointment you might find the pressure eases considerably.

From there what you describe are typical symptoms of depression or similar illnesses. Intolerance, irritability, snapping, trouble sleeping. It's all there for you to decide Mike But only you can do so. If you are serious about keeping your family your first priorioty musy be your health as without it you can't help them or yourself.

Talk to me on Facebook. Robby Hart. If you're brave as I am an atheist.

I'm Australian by the way but don't let that put you off!!

Very best

Friendly.

Hi Mike

Sounds like depression and boredom, you are no longer involved with church stuff that filled so much of your time. Do you have any hobbys? How old are your kids? Is there something you could do with them unrelated to church? A bit of Daddy and me time, maybe even Mammy will get involved if she see's you all having fun with out it being church involved.

Religion really isnt everything and I think some religious people forget we don't all feel the same way as them. As long as we know right from wrong whats the problem. Your family and friends should support you like you support them.

Def. go see your GP, if you don't want your wife to know just say its ibs related. Depression can make your ibs worse (i've had ibs for ten year now) A small dose of antidepresant might even improve your ibs, you never know until you try.

Take care bud

G

Thanks for the advice. Sorry I didnt respond sooner. I thought nobody had anything to say so didnt come back to check he post.

Well I visited my GP last week and we had a good conversation where I was as open and honest as I could possibly be. I told him everyting I feel.

He has arranged some form of therapy and put me on a low dosage of ant depressants. Will see how that goes.

Hi Mike

I am glad that you have been to the doc and you are starting forms of treatment. Its great that you were honest. Please keep us informed on how everything is going and how you are feeling.

Trace

Hi MIke - it's scary to not feel in control of your emotions.

Very glad you are seeking help! By coming here and reaching out you obviously want a change. I think that is wonderful because children are vulnerable to our foibles and difficulties and have to overcome any difficulties of their childhoods as adults. No parent is perfect but I think it's great you are doing something to correct the situation!
They can read this and it may also damage your marriage.

As far as the faith thing, I think a lot of people become depressed when they lose their way in life. When you can't see why you're here it creates a crisis. The whole idle mind and devil's playground is really true when it comes to depression.

Maybe you can make a few small positive goals for yourself - go fishing with the kids, or if you're not ready for that, start smaller, like getting some exercise, or going on a hike. Sounds like you need to believe in yourself again and love yourself before you can love those around you. Think of some things you'd really like to try or haven't done in awhile. Seek out your inner child. :)

But keep trying - you and your family are worth it!

Nicky Lynn