Hello everyone. I am new here. A month or so ago I woke up at 4am just bawling my eyes out because of some sadness that I couldn't quite put a finger on. I haven't stopped crying since. My doc. diagnosed me with depression. I had been taking a low dose of Zoloft for some stomach issues and was trying to come off of it so we could have children. Needless to say, it didn't go well. I don't know if that's what caused this horrible depression or if I was headed for it anyway. That's just where I am. My doc. started me on Wellbutrin a week ago today and it has helped a bit. She also prescribed Lorazepam for my anxiety, although I don't take it unless I know I'm going into a stressful situation. I am seeing a psychologist, today will be my 3rd visit.

I work with children. It became harder and harder for me to go to work and have the patience to deal with them. I started having panic attacks when they screamed at me. I gave my two weeks notice on Friday because I just can't seem to work in that environment anymore. I don't have another job lined up. I have one application turned in to a job that I don't feel like I can do. I don't even know how I'm going to make it through the next 2 weeks of the job I have now. Every morning I'm praying for the house to burn down or to get some horrible crippling flu or my car to break so I don't have to go to work. I'm scared to death that I'm going to get a call for the application I turned in and then I'll have to go do an interview. And then I'm scared to death I'll get the job and will have to do it. How stupid is that?

My problem is that right now, I don't feel like I can work. I can hardly leave the house. I can't stop crying - the mornings are the worst. The anxiety is awful. I went from sleeping 8-10 hours a night to sleeping 5 if I take Benadryl and get lucky. Sometimes Benadryl doesn't even do it. I'm exhausted, and it shows. My muscles feel weak and I get tired easily.

I guess my question to you guys is....how do I get through this whole work thing? We can't really afford for me not to work but I am so terrified to go. I don't want to go and I don't feel like I can go. Not to this job, not to any job. I work part time right now and my husband and mom think I should work full time...I don't know if I can work that long without having a major break down. I am so scared and sad. I have no self esteem because if I can't even hold a job, what good am I?

I know my husband is at his wits end with me. He hates it when I cry so I try not to do it when he's around. He tells me to "be happy", and I try, but it's just not that easy. He tells me to just not worry and I try, but it doesn't work. I'm scared that if this keeps going on like this, he'll go to work one morning and not come home. I am scared he's starting to hate me for this.

I am desperate for someone to understand what I'm going through. My doctors try but I don't know if they get it. My psychologist helps a bit because she lets me talk, but she doesn't say much. I feel like such a bad person and there's no one to tell me otherwise. I don't see why I should even go on...maybe I would be better hospitalized or something.

Any advice, words of wisdom, etc, for me? I need any help I can get.

This post has been edited by Jessamyn: Jul 28 2008, 09:23 AM

to DF, (((((Jessamyn)))))

I think that at times like this, we need to keep things as simple as possible. Your health comes first because without that, everything else falls apart. I'm glad to hear that you've already started to feel a benefit from Wellbutrin after just a week, but remember that it usually takes 6-8 weeks to adjust to an antidepressant and feel its full effects. That's not to say you won't start to feel better sooner, though.

Try to detach emotionally from your current job and remember that it'll be over in a matter of days. After that, you may just want to lay low until you've fully adjusted to your meds and feel stable enough to look for a new job. Try to take things one little step at a time and don't dwell on the big picture.

I know how frustrating and isolating it can be when others don't understand what you're going through. But you'll get plenty of understanding and support here at DF.

Thank you so much for welcoming me. It means a lot to have someone to talk to right now. Today when I talked to my counselor, she said almost the exact same thing you did. Remember that the job is almost over. And she suggested that I take a month or so to get myself well before I start trying to look for a new job. The problem with that is money. Rather, lack thereof. :( I think we can probably pinch pennies and make it work, but it's convincing my husband of that that worries me. And then the crippling guilt when we're tight and it's entirely my fault because I'm not pulling my weight. I don't know how to deal with feeling like a burden to everyone.

I've only been on meds a short time and obviously it's helping a bit...but obviously, I am also not feeling the full effect of them or hopefully I wouldn't have had that horrible break down I did this morning. The worst I've had yet. :(

This post has been edited by Jessamyn: Jul 28 2008, 06:48 PM

Hi Jess,

Couldn't agree with Sub more frankly.

It is a matter of you being able to focus on your health as suggested.

Taking time off is tough because of money firstly and once you do take time off it can be hard to go back.

If you can follow Sub's words and hang on tight.

Very best

Firendly.