Hey all. I wonder if there's anyone else that feels the way I do. I think I'm a pretty cool person, I know people in my life love me, I don't think I've messed my entire life up with my mistakes, but I feel like crap. I've suffered anxiety & depression for about 10 years, and this last bout has definitely been the worst. I can pinpoint the cause -- I had a major career shake up and basically got screwed over a couple years ago and haven't re-established a new path yet -- and I've been on meds and in therapy consistently. So why don't I feel better?

I'm an extrovert and I spend all my time alone at home, which I know doesn't help. I eat a lot of sugar and don't exercise, which I also know are bad. But basically I'm just completely unmotivated to do anything, which is why I don't leave the house and am fat and lonely. It's been really tough lately because I'm switching meds so we can have a baby and the new ones aren't working. So the smallest things have been sending me into an anxious panicky tailspin where I feel like there's no way out. And in my worst moments, what upsets me most is that I feel I have NO control over my anxiety and depression. I'm doing all the right things, and yet I don't feel better. I really am going to deal with this the rest of my life and there's no hope.

It's been hard coming to terms with this new self who doesn't have any direction. I was always a focused, driven, overachiever kind of person and I hit the wall a couple years ago, as I mentioned. So I don't get this new me that doesn't want to do anything. I used to be able to work my way through feeling bad. I can't do that anymore. I can't even get up off the couch. And of course the people in my life don't get it and I've spent so much time trying to explain, "Don't you get that if I, of all people, am having such a hard time, that this is not a matter of my just being lazy? That I truly have a disease?" And so others frequently just make it worse.

So I know a big part of my problem is that I don't have the direction I used to have, which I've been working on. But I hate what this anxiety & depression has done to me over the last couple years. I'm not functional anymore like I used to be because I have this stupid disease. What really gets me down is the frustration that I fight and I fight and I fight so very hard, and I can't make myself feel better. I don't feel like I screwed things up, I don't think I'm a worthless person, etc. The only major things I don't like about myself are my anxiety and depression. And it's been years since I've felt good, even though I fight, so what's the point? It just feels like there's no way out. How can it be that somebody who doesn't hate themselves and takes the meds and does the therapy doesn't get better? I'm so scared that I'm just going to be down for the next 50 years of my life.

I'm sorry this is so long. I needed to vent, and I wonder if anyone else feels this way. Am I the only one who gets the most down about the fact that I feel I have no control over anxiety and/or depression? Am I in some major denial or something? I don't know. Thanks for reading.

Hi Racmac,

Sorry it's so tough for you right now.

You say you've had this for 10 years and then say you can pinpoint the problem as 2 years ago. Not possible. What created the previous 8 years and how did you deal with that?

You say you used to be able to work through this stuff and fix it yourself. How did you do that? how succesful was it?

One thing many of us do is fight. when we do that we are actually fighting ourselves as depression is a direct result of your thoughts. I used to fight it with every waking moment but it made no difference. Well, it did. It got worse.

Eventually I just decided I'd accept I had it and go with it instead of wasting all my strength on the inner battle. I trusted my doc and follow his advice, always. If I disagree I say so and we talk it through.

I'm not sure I can describe how to stop fighting as to all of us that feels like it will be defeat so we keep fighting. Accepting it is really just acknowledging you have D and it's your thoughts that create it.

Could I suggest that changing meds is not a great idea if it's just done to allow you to have a child?

Is having a child really going to help you at this time? Wouldn't it be better to focus on finding the right med and even right doc before you start having that child?

Many seem to think having a child will solve the problem. It doesn't. The opposite is more likely. But that doesn't mean anything other than deferring it until you are feeling strong enough.

You say you are doing all the right things but feel no better. What are those right things? You don't need to answer any of this here. It's for you to think about and resolve.

Are you the only one that feels as you do? Absolutely not. I doubt there are many, if any, sufferers who don't feel that way. Losing your ability to make rational decisions and act as you want is terrifying and even worse when someone says you're lazy. If anyone said that to me I'd attack them, if I could get up the energy that is!

You seem to have a good basis from what you say in that you know it's an illness and you don't blame yourself. Big start on me.

You've been on meds and in therapy consistently but feel no better. Why?

Many posible reasons. Start with the docs. Are you happy with them? How many meds have you tried and have any helped?

Do you always take them as directed and no variation?

Do you have nights off where you party etc?

One major reason therapy may not be helping is the depth of your depression. If it is deep depression therapy is often ineffective. You can enjoy the sessions but walk out and it's meaningless. Particularly cog therapy.

If you are in deep D then stop the therapy until the meds lift your mood sufficiently to allow therapy to work. Talk it through with your docs first though. Always.

When I first hit my current period of major D I was seeing 4 different people EVERY week. The only result of that was to keep it all at the front of my mind all the time and it caused more damage than help by so doing. I didn't know, they were supposedly the experts. Wrong.


Best

Friendly

I like what you say about just accepting it and not fighting it. That's exactly what my therapist has been saying forever. I guess I just haven't figured out how to do it. What's crazy is that I love my therapist and I really like my psychiatrist too. I realized recently that I don't think I've been on a high enough dosage of the meds to feel better. I think I got used to just feeling not horrible and didn't shoot for feeling good. So in changing these meds, I'm going to make a better effort to communicate that I'm not where I want to be yet with my psychiatrist.

I'm not having a baby to make anything better. I'm having a baby because it's time to have a baby, thus I'm changing the meds, thus it's been a sucky couple weeks. If I've ever known anything, I know it's time to have a baby. Just posting all that made me feel a little better. That's good, I reckon.

Yeah it's a difficult thing to describe too, stopping the fight.

I think it's mainly about accepting it's an illness and not a penalty for bad behaviour. It's about finding acceptance within yourself that you have this illness and are doing your best to treat it. It's about ignoring the societal need to put you down for having this illness.

And mostly I think it's about finding ways to stop thinking about it all day every day.

Example? The worst time for us is usually when we lie down to sleep. Often we lie there for hours thinking, ruminating and going over the same questions endlessly. Don't let that happen. If you can't sleep after about 20 minutes, get up and do something quiet and hopefully boring. Like not watching a horror movie or playing a video game and so on. Read a book.

Then try sleep again.

If you can distract or cut short those periods of the "whys" you will become more relaxed and start to think about other things as well.

The fight is when you just can't think of anything else and you search your data banks for info that isn't there. You can't fight endlessly as it wears you out and makes the depression deeper and more set in concrete.

Use relaxation tecniques. Your docs should be able to guide you there but there are more methods than you can count. The big plus in relaxation is that you try to clear your mind, of everything.

And here's an excellent method of changing your thoughts. Try replying to others here. Look at what they write and try to think of a way to respond kindly and thoughfully. I started out just saying Hi etc but I found the more time I spent considering someone else's l;fe the less I spent worrying about mine. I started thinking about others instead of just me. That's my little secret so don't tell anyone OK?

Just some more thoughts.

Friendly

Anxiety is pretty much a vicious circle.

I get anxious about my anxiety and so I feel more anxious, and I feel anxious about thinking about my anxiousness which in turn makes me anxious.


Not alone.

Hi,

great advice, friendlyone, about thinking about other people's problems.

i am anxious about being depressed and not feeling like talking to people, family and friends, and doing things i need to do. that makes me feel guilty and more anxious. I am anxious about being sad and lonely in the future.

My anxiety is most acute in the mornings. I wake up 5 or 6 oclock bleak and afraid, and I can't get back to sleep.

Hi racmac, unfortunately, we all will be dealing with our depression and other disorders for the rest of our lives. But hopefully, things will start looking up for you since you're doing all
the right things, meds and therapy. It takes time, patience & hard work to move along the path of self discovery and recovery. You might feel impatient and that's understandable, anyone whose working so hard on both fronts deserves some peace of mind. But patience is the key and good things come to people who work hard for them and realize that they can do
this indefinitely and come out ahead of those who don't put in the effort it takes to feel better and to become well. I know it's hard, it's a hard life and a hard road to travel, but it gets better the more you work on it and muster up the strength to fight it (your illness,) to the end. I wish you well and the best of luck, keep working hard on yourself and keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. Take good care, darkshadow.