Hello all

As I stated in my first post in the 'welcome...' forum, I can often deal with the sadness of depression, although it is very hard. I do take Efexor but not sure that it helps (I've felt the same way about paxil and zoloft as well). I can even deal with feeling hopeless and useless (usually with plenty of humor) but I cannot handle the feelings of paranoia and fear at work.....

I do have a stresful and deadline-oriented job position and I'm very good at it. I get my work done even when they keep piling things on my plate. I seldom complain although my boss (who is very very cool) knows that I am usually under a lot of pressure. In fact, I'm the only person I know who can perform my job (a good combination of knowledge, writing ability, research and dedication). But I'm always fearful of termination!

I am a 'by the rules' kind of guy. I am usually very focused on my work and I don't partake in most of the tomfoolery that goes on in the workplace. I don't steal, harass the girls, take long lunches, goof off and anything else that might get someone fired...yet I always feel that the chopping block is moving closer and closer...and I've felt this way for years and years (not just at my current job).

If I see someone go into a meeting with the owners of the company, I assume that I am one of the topics of conversation (negatively, of course. I never feel that anyone could possibly be talking positively about me!). Whenever someone passes by and they don't say 'hello' or acknowledge me, I think that I've done something to pi** them off.

My last performance review was filled with nothing but praise (that was 2 months ago). One week ago, when someone from the company was laid off, I felt I was next. My boss assured me it was an isolated incident and I had nothing to worry about (she said I was the jewel in the company's crown). But I'll be damned if, a week later, I'm feeling even more paranoid than I have in a long time!

Yes, this past week has been extremely stressful and I'm thinking that the stress of this week just enhances those feelings. Then, when I tried to log in to my work computer from home and retrieve some work I wanted to finish up, I was not able to log in at all...... So, instead of me thinking that it was a problem with the server or something, I automatically assumed that they cut off my access because I was going to be terminated on Monday morn (when the HR person is back in town). My body was shaking, I was so upset.

Looking at it logically, there's nothing telling me that I should be worried about anything. But being depressed, I don't look at things logicaly when I'm 'in the moment'. I just freak out. Well, I don't LITERALLY freak out.....but I feel like I'm freaking out! It makes me feel like the world is over and I'm worthless. BUT THIS IS NOT LOGICAL! Why can't I see through the blinds that depression hangs in front of my eyes? Why can't I tell the difference between reality and my anxiety/panic/paranoia?

It drives my wife crazy. I'm sure it drives my boss crazy (she knows about it to some extent and is very kind and patient). IT DRIVES ME UP THE ****** WALL!

So, what the hell do I do now? I don't feel suicidal but I often feel that I should just crawl up into a ball and disappear......



Your currently employed friend,
Oblio

Hi Oblio... I am new to the board just joining today and I am hoping I will be able to offer some insight into your panic problem at work. I think for most people depressed or not the need to be successful and the need to achieve are very natural things. Everyone wants to do well and when you know that you are able to surpass expectations in your work it is only natural that you yearn to be better and to perform to the best of your ability. I think your problem stems from just that... the knowledge that you have of yourself as a wonderful worker. You demand excellence from yourself and when you may not perform to the best of that or when something goes wrong delaying that excellence you automatically begin to panic and blame yourself. What you need to know is no matter the intelligence, performance, or wisdom a person may contain no one is perfect all the time and we as humans are entitled to make mistakes. From what I have read about you and your work you are doing an amazing job balancing the internal problems you have with the work that you know needs to be done. I wish you all of the best in your quest to find that right answers to your troubles and hope for your success in the workplace. I hope that on some level I was able to understand your concerns and address them to the best of my ability. All the best

I was thinking about what you wrote and it did occur to me that there were three things that set off this unfortunate chain of bad feelings:

1. An extreme amount of work to complete in a short period of time
2. I had sent an e-mail to the owner of the company about something totally unrelated and he never responded (a common occurance)
3. I had to request some help from other folks in the department in order to complete the job by deadline (a very very uncommon occurance)

First off, it's rare for me to be so overloaded, I can't possibly do it all. I used to work 12 hour days M-F and it was emotionally and physically draining. Now, with some extra help in the department, I can do it all in a 8-9 hour day M-F with some very minor overtime work from home. I vowed that I would never do 12 hour shifts anymore...and I wasn't going to start this week! It's common knowledge in my company that if you do MORE work once or twice, then they expect you to do that all the time! So, I didn't want to fall in that trap....

Anyway, I also have other non-work related projects going on and I've done fun things for the owner's kids in the past and wanted to run by a new project for him to show his three daughters. He never responded to that e-mail and I've only seen him once since then (Wednesday?) and he just whizzed by me, only uttering 'hi'. But, I didn't worry too much. He's a good guy, but not a 'people person'.

Oh, yeah. And one more thing: one of my co-workers (who works remotely on the east coast) was laid off.

So, with these things in my head and all the extra stress, my paranoia was in full swing.

So, even knowing that I deal with depression on a daily basis, am I crazy to get this paranoid and bent out of shape for these things that probably mean nothing? Is it wrong for me to be worried that I can't access my desktop from home? Is it just a coincidence?

This is an ongoing problem....but now I'm starting to think about the past times this has happened and wondering if there was something stressful at work going on?

I really need help and advice here. It's not just affecting me: it's affecting my work, my relationship with my wife and my health!

Do I up the meds? Am I bipolar? Am I nuts?

I would think rather that you're extremely anxious and insecure. I can relate very much to the insecurities you describe. It can be hard, because such anxiety is often, as you're seeing, resistant to any reassurance.
Are you having any emotional support aside from the meds?

Well, apart from talking with my wife, no.

I haven't had a great track record when it comes to psychiatrists/psychologists/therapists

Around 10 years ago, during my first marriage, my ex (who had a lot of issues) was seeing someone. My ex was NOT totally honest with her therapist and hid a lot of things. So, her therapist felt that I was one of the main issues and dragged me into a few sessions...then started talking to ME separately as if I was the real problem. Hey, I wasn't against it cuz I knew I had issues, too. One thing led to another and I realized that my ex had not wanted to see the therapist in the first place so manipulated the situation and made me look like the bad guy. I may have been part of the problem, I'll admit, but if you speak to a therapist and don't tell the truth like my ex was doing, then things become very distorted...

Then, around five or six years ago, I was having a tough time myself and set up an appointment to see someone at a so-called reputable place. They had a student/intern come in and ask me questions. He forgot to mark down my answers on half the questions....then, in front of me, went back and just started marking things down after the fact. One of the doctors came in later and said I just needed meds and group therapy and that he'd set up an appointment. I told him I wanted one-to-one sesssions but he pretty much blew me off and said group sessions were easier. He left the office and 45 minutes later, no one had come in to sign me up for a group session. I walked out and spoke to the receptionist and she apologized and said someone would be right in to set it up. 45 minutes after that, no one had come in so I just walked out and left.

So, even my family doctor has never bothered to delve deep into my issues...he's never suggested anyone or anything. He just listens to me say I'm depressed and writes up a perscription. I know he can't do more than that but maybe a recommendation to a good doc would be good every now and then....



When I'm distracted by things (like hanging out with friends yesterday), I don't think about this or worry and feel awful. But when I'm home, waking up in the morning, then I get that feeling of dread.....like the worst is bound to happen and I can't do anything about it. It's that ANT thing (automatic negative thought). Why can't I shake it?

This post has been edited by Oblio: Jul 20 2008, 12:10 PM

Oblio,

You sound exactly like how I act with my wife sometimes....

No matter how many times she says she loves me etc. I think shes going to leave me. Same as you I get small little signs and read into it somethings that not there.

No, you're not going mad. And you're certainly not alone in being like this.

Sounds to me (and I'm sure logically you know yourself) theres no way your job is going to be in danger !!!!

But hey, logic doesnt fit in when you're heads going ten to the dozen does it? :-(

Know what you mean about annoying people too. My wife hates it when I go off on one and get convinced shes seeing someone else !!!!

Work issues are hard because we are dependant on the job financially and it takes up so much of our time and ego space.

I know finding a good T is hard but it may be worth a search for you. You do sound like you jump to very negative conclusions based on little objective evidence. Maybe a T who does cognitive work (changing reactions and thinking patterns) would help.

A lot of people worry about getting let go, especially in this economy. I once had some minor (but horrible in my mind) performance issues at work. At that same time 2 of the top managers were traveling and I was sure they were traveling to see me to fire me in person! That would never happen. My company would never spend that much money to fire someone! A phone call is more like it. But for a weekend I believed my own distorted thinking.

I also used to worry I would be fired during times when work was slow. Then I realized corporate America is not responsive to small (large to me) deviations in the work amount. If I was to be fired, it would probably be a decision made out of state by a bunch of people who don't know what kind of work I really do and they would only do it to reduce salary costs. It would have nothing to do with me. Of course I would be the one without money and I would be the one to suffer but it would not be personal.

I hope this helps. I hope you are not hurt that I have pointed out some of your distorted thinking patterns. I see them because I have them too!

This post has been edited by JennyRose: Aug 20 2008, 09:41 AM