Am i the only one that thinks theres no way out?

Taken so many blows over and over again to the point where i cant take it anymore and what do I do? End it all? And leave the person I love and am dying to have back in my life, to blame herself and probably take the same route as me, aswell as leaving my family with lifelong scarrs and regrets as to what they didnt realise or what they didnt do?

Or carry on like I am and start to think I'm ok and then come crashing down and yet again want to die.

theres only so much pain, disappointment, betrayal and heartbreak one person can take. i spend everyday thinking about the same thing, over and over, which makes me sad and angry and makes me hate myself.

Now before anyone says oh no there are people who have felt just like you and are now living happy lives! Maybe I dont want to live a happy life because I know I'm always gna have these memories and these scarrs, and I'm ALWAYS gna have regrets and know that I ****ed everything up.

so whats the answer?

i really think the truth is that we see the world through dark colored glasses. so few of us lucky ones get the mental health care we should be getting. i don't know about your situation, but i read about that poor lady who died on the hospital floor, and that just makes me so sad, and highlights that there are only so many of us lucky ones who have therapists and psychiatrists.

if you have a therapist, i'd really talk to him or her.

people in your life love you, no matter how you're thinking is going right now. it would kill them inside to not have you anymore! my dad committed suicide, and i'll never be the same. you just can't get over those wounds. i'd rather die a hundred deaths in this life than put anyone i love through that trauma.

that's just my take on life at this point.

you probably haven't ruined your life. with the help of a therapist, you could make peace where it is necessary with others, and help yourself through this. it isn't forever, it is only passing.

try to meditate if you can, and keep a journal. just getting out your feelings is a step towards wellness.

loon

I've tried therapy, other than the feeling of feeling like I was doing something about my depression and anxiety, there was no upside, I came away feeling worse about everything than I did when I went in.

How many therapy sessions did you go for? Therapy gets to the root of problems and is hard work, as you will have to work through things that hurt, so on occasion, you will feel worse, but if you can get through those parts, you will eventually feel better, as you learn to overcome your hurts and put them behind you.

Trace

About 10 I think.

It was £50 a session which isn't exactly cheap, as the NHS has a waiting list. It was meant to be CBT but all she ever seemed to do was ask me question after question and end up sitting in silence analyzing me and making me feel uncomfortable.

She would say completely stupid things, like "I'm sure if you started violently vomiting in class, then if anything the other students would probably be quite happy that they get some time out of class, and I'm sure the teachers are equipped for this." Yes, they all carry around sick bags and cleaning materials.

It was a complete joke, and the only other private therapist near me is £60 an hour and I can't afford any more. The NHS has something like a 2/3 month waiting list so I can't go private.

It just seemed I didn't learn anything in therapy that I didn't already know. I see alot of people saying that their GP's are all too happy to start handing out medication, where as mine almost refuse to. The medication I was given was for anxiety, things like beta stoppers, the amount of times I've been to my GP saying that I'm really depressed and my anxiety is becoming too much and the only way I can sleep is either alcohol or sleeping pils, but their answer is "try more therapy." or exercise, a healthy diet, TRY TAKING DEEP BREATHS. This s*** isn't going to help me, infact I don't even have the willpower to do half of it, I wish my GP's were quick to hand out medication because I might be something other than a complete wreck now.

Isn't it weird how our own situation feels the worst. I read yours and think - yours can't be as bad as my situation. And the truth is - it's just how we're viewing it. I desperately wish for a do-over. I feel like there is no way I can be happy again - that I've made too many mistakes. I am living only for my kids. For some selfish reason I think my husband and parents and grandparents could recover. I doubt I have any friends who would think more than "I can't believe she killed herself." I am staying alive so that my kids don't have to live with the scars of me dying. They are happy and well-adjusted. I am the weirdo who can't be happy.

I don't know you but you've made a friend - me. I hope you hang in there. When we see that others feel the same we feel less alone and realize there is more to live for than we realized.

I understand what you mean. I can sit here and think, why do I have a strong will to die, while people who have lost their whole families in accidents, still manage to work through it. Why aren't their mass suicides in Rwanda? Their situations are probably worse than mine.

Yet I still have the strong will to die tomorrow. Like you I think, the past year or two of my life has been so bad, that I'll never recover from it, I'm always going to have the regrets and the what if's. So why should I spend the rest of my life suffering because I know I'll always be thinking of the same things. And like you, I know I only have maybe 3 friends that would be properly hurt if I died, but even then, I don't play a huge role in their lives so it might not be that bad. I can't see any reason for me to be alive right now, the people close to me just use me but I know they don't think much of me, I'm here to feed their egos with my kindness.

I can't really explain it, but I know if I were to live on for another 5 years, then I don't know how I'd be, but yea, I would of course have brief moments of happiness, but that doesn't comfort me one bit, because it's like - I feel like this NOW, so why shouldn't I embrace it?

Tomorrow I'm taking the dive and going to my GP to try and be put on anti-depressents... but I really can't see them helping.

Hello MNI,

I hear you and feel your pain, this is what i'm feeling atm.
Like you i have had so many blows over again i'm at the point i feel i really can't take any more. I only keep going for my kids most days now and like you, stop to think of the effect on other people if i took my own way out. So there seems no escape.
I so identify with what you said in there's only so much pain, disappointment, betrayal and heartbreak we can take and about thinking about the things over and over again etc.
I too feel like i've messed everything up. On my more realistic days i guess i know i haven't but its so hard to see/feel that at times.

I really wish i had some answers, some wisdom to help you. I just keep muddling along, each day trying to hang on to hope that somehow, some way it will get better, even just a little.

I understand where you're coming from re: therapy, the waiting list on the NHS is shocking and to go private it costs so much, as you say. I've had counselling on few occasions and though i did feel the benefits in ways i often wonder if it really changed anything within me. I've seen one privately in the past and it cost £35 session, she was actually the best one i've seen but only had a few sessions with her and that was nearly 3 years ago, atm i can't afford to see her again.
I've just started to have some more counselling recently again through a charitable organisation to try and help me come to terms with stuff thats happened in the past 2-3 years. Starting to feel i'm going to have bouts of counselling for the rest of my life!
I will say though, that the therapist you had sounded totally useless to put it mildly! There are some really good ones out there but some c*** ones aswell, i've been on the receiving end of both.

I'm really sorry that this is probably no help at all to you, i just really felt for you and what you were saying and you are definately not alone in feeling/thinking like this.

Good luck for going to see your GP (think its today) and really hope he/she will be able to offer you help and support in some way.
Keep letting it out here, maybe together and with others we can keep trying to hang on to that hope.

Regards, Bluebell

Nicky, Bluebell u here?

I couldnt see the gp today, as I was up until 4.30am unable to sleep, and wokeup at 12 by which time it was too late to make an appointment.

More little things have happened today, and I dont want to go on, if I get better then I've failed, and if I don't get better I've failed, there's nothing I can do that would possibly make my life better right now. What am I supposed to do?

I don't want to be desperate, but does anyone want to talk?

I know it feels asthough theres no way out and no point. We all have memories of bad times, but also good. When you are able to look back on the past you grow within yourself and see just how far youve actually come.
Sorry to hear your therapist wasnt the best for you, they are all different and it may be an idea to try somewhere else...i know its expensive but it can also be beneficial.
Have you made another appointment to see your gp? Your heading in the right direction...one step at a time.

Keep talking,
SO6

ps. just sent you a pm

This post has been edited by surgeon2006: Jul 17 2008, 06:09 PM

Know how you feel, MNI. I've been suffering from depression - dysthymia and major - throughout my adult life and I'm 30 now and don't see how I can ever mend or be the person that I want to be. The desire to end things is very strong. I feel as if my life is already over.

I was formally diagnosed at 17 (although had been in a bad way for years before) and have been medicated ever since but never really had a full remission. I've had CBT and CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) from the NHS but in each case, I had to wait 12-18 months. I am currently looking at private therapy because things just aren't getting better.

Basically, I don't have an answer for you because I don't have one for myself either. Although if you feel your doctor is not listening to you or taking you seriously, would it be possible to see another doctor in the same practice? Or a different practice? Feeling that someone is engaging with your problems is important.

I too am a mess of bad memories and regret and self-blame, and deep frustration at not being able to fix myself which only makes things worse. I know this doesn't help but you are not alone.

So I went to my GP today.. well.. A GP, not mine, once again, just a random indian that I had trouble even talking to, and having him understand.

Thrown me on sleeping pills for a month. Even though I stressed that it wasn't the lack of sleep that was getting to me, it was the anxiety and the "REALLY REALLY BAD DEPRESSION" (which is what I said), to the point where I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating properly because I can't really be bothered to eat, I feel horrible and down all the time. But no, Anti-Depressents are dangerous for people of my age apparantly, so I'm told to go back in a month and if its no better then I'll probably be allowed to go onto them.. a month? I cant take this s*** anymore.

I've been going back there for the past year and a half, everytime being fobbed off, I've explained how serious it is, I've explained that my therapy didn't help and this depression isnt just a "I wokeup today and I dont feel happy" deal, I've had it for the past year atleast and over the past months its gotten so bad that I NEED something to help me.

I almost felt bad to a point, as if I was begging to be put on anti-depressent medication, but still, fobbed off because it's dangerous.

Is it not dangerous for me to be thinking about dying everyday and hoping that something will happen to me so that I can die without people close to me blaming themselves? Is it not dangerous that as soon as I get home with my sleeping pills I google to find out if overdose would be easy with them.

Complete joke and now I really dont know what to do.

Please dont do anything silly with the sleeping pills, if your really feeling that way at any stage call a help line.
Sorry the gp didnt put you on any ad's, the best you can do for yourself at the moment if take the sleeping pills as directed and try to get some sleep, hopefully this will help a little with your mood and give you some energy during the day.

Keep yourself safe and hang in there,
SO6

Dont worry, I dont have the guts.

But a month of this? No way can I do this and come out the other side feeling remotely as "good" as I do now. Every day gets worse

I'm really sorry I wasn't on when you needed me! When I have my down moments to not have people on the board respond hurts even more. The first night I felt desperate enough to try ANYTHING I found this board and then nobody replied to my post. I was REALLY unhappy when I saw there was no way to join the chat. I've been posting like crazy LOL trying to get to be able to chat immediately when I feel down, but I understand why they do it.

MNI - do you have ups and downs - or are you down all the time? For me I would say 25% of the time I have free and clear days when I feel normal and sometimes have a little of the mania type feelings, 25% are normal if I stay in my safe places, 25% are VERY BLACK, and 25% I feel angry and bitey and snappy. I feel for you. I lean on my husband like crazy and realize I put him in a corner. If we have even a normal argument I tend to be overly unfair and make it into something overly emotional and makes it so he can't even have an argument without upsetting me.

KEEP trying. I always tell myself if I feel that bad, I'll do something about it tomorrow (go to a doctor, or whatever.) At least then I don't have that trapped feeling. Can you move or do something to make you feel safer or freer? I feel like I can't do anything with all my family here and happy.

Thanks for ur reply NickyLynn.

I think I have ups and downs... I'd say most days are pretty dark, but then I might get the odd day.. like today, where I can live and not feel too down, even tho I still don't feel too great either.. so maybe 15% of my days are ok. I feel constantly angry and close to tears. There isn't much I can do to keep my mind off of how I'm feeling, as with my anxiety I BARELY get out the house.

The way you feel with your husband may be the way I feel with the people around me. I'm still close to my ex, and she is having her own depression problems, and I feel like I can't open up to her completely because I don't want to make her situation worse and put more weight on her, but I worry so much about her and have told her I'm here any time she needs me and would go to her straight away if she was feeling down and rang me, but I have my own problems that I have to hide which kills me when I want to blurt out things like "I wish I could take every pill in the house" or "I wish it was my funeral you went to instead." - It's the same with my family, I want them to understand why I am like I am, why I don't seem so "get up and go", because I'm sure they think I'm lazy and uninterested in everything, but it's down to how I'm feeling, they have too much on their plate.

Your reply was really nice to read and has made me feel slightly better! One more post until you're in chat!