Hi am new to this forum and I am glad I found it. I have just admitted to myself that I have a serious problem. Depression. Its been coming on slowly for months and as the months have passed I have just explained it away as being 'a phase'. Its not. This year alone I have had to deal with extremely stressful events, one of them alone is enough to set someone off into a depression. I am currently having to come to terms with, 7 of which I shall explain. I shall try to keep it short :S

Grief: I lost my grandfather in the early hours of New Years Day. I was 200 miles away at a party when I got the call and couldnt get there to be by his side and hold his hand. This was devastating for me. My grandfather was an extremely special person to me and we were very close. He had been ill for 2 years and I cant tell you the times I ran to the hospital because he had been rushed in 'as this was it'. He always pulled through though. The one time he didnt I wasnt there! I feel immense guilt for that and totally ashamed of myself. Apart from all that I just ****** miss him and havent even began to deal with the grief yet to the point where I have avoided seeing my nan for the last 5 months because I just cant bring myself to enter their home and be reminded that he is no longer here.

Termination: 2 months after I lost my grandfather I discovered I was pregnant. My partner and I are in an LDR, he works abroad and is contracted to work there for the next 2 years. I have only been with him for 2 years and already have 3 children from my previous disaster of a marriage and could in no way support another baby. I had to make the decision to terminate. I told no one about it at the time apart from my partner and 2 friends. I had the medical termination and had to sit at home whilst effectively going through a miscarriage, in front of my mum and kids and just pretend nothing was happening. Again I feel guilty, ashamed, even disgusted with myself. It was the right decision to make BUT I hate myself for making the decision and going through with it. I more than anyone knows how precious life is and yet I just willingly destroyed one. What gives me the right to do that!!???

Relationship: Following on from the above, this caused a major blip in my relationship. Its not the easiest of relationships because its an LDR and that alone brings with it a lot of stress and worry. Generally I have been fine with it but at that time really needed his love, support and reassurance. He was unable to give it and even suggested we have 'a break'. I was devastated to be left out in the cold to deal with this alone. I believe he even turned to another woman which just made the whole situation 100 times worse and left me feeling worthless. We have got through it now. I think. We are taking a day at a time. We never talk about what happened as he 'doesnt do talking'. I love him and loves me but I am constantly questioning him, myself and the future.

Divorce: Around the same time I finally got my divorce through. It was an extremely messy divorce and my ex husband made the whole situation 100 times more stressful than necessary. He basically conned me big time. I wont go into the details but needless to say I live in fear that he will make a claim financially against me, as is his right to do so. I was ecstatic to be finally free of him but at the same time its left me to live in fear.

The Ex: I was with him for 10 years and have 3 children. The whole time we were together he controlled me competely. I couldnt leave the house without his say so, I lost touch with a lot of friends because he cut me off completely from them and he spent 10 years telling me I was worthless and useless as a wife and as a mother. He does not support me financially and hasnt seen any of the kids for the last 5 months. He is a control freak and in his own, manipulative way, still controls me. He uses the kids as weapons and is constantly screwing with their heads. He makes me feel like a nervous wreck. I sometimes wish he would just disappear then feel guilty for thinking that because my kids would be devastated and I dont ever want them to be unhappy.

My kids: Where do I start? My eldest is a complete wreck. He is a teenager and so that brings with it a whole host of problems but we used to be very close. He does the typical teenager things but also has anger issues. Its like walking on eggshells with him. The slightest thing can set him off into a fit of rage whereupon he will shout, scream and swear at me. Destroy things in my home and just generally becomes very intimidating. I am trying to seek help for him but so far have come up with nothing. My two younger ones miss their dad and are constantly miserable that they cant see him and in a small way blame me for this. I promise I would never stop my kids seeing their dad but his demands are unreasonable and I just dont know what the solution is. If I give in to his demands, his demands will get bigger. If I dont he refuses to have contact with them and then tells them its my fault because I wont do what he wants. They are hurting and if they hurt. I hurt.

Finances: I have a huge mortgage and because of the current situation am finding it tough to pay. Come October when the fixed rate ends it will be impossible to pay it. I have spoken to various financial institutions, looked at every possibility but its hopeless. I get panicky when I think of it to the point where I cant breathe, so I then push it to the back of mind which means time then marches on and nothing is getting resolved. Again I feel out of control and all I want to do is walk out of the door and never return.

These are the major issues. There are others but I have managed to sort the major from the minor. The minor can go jump for a while! I just keep staring at each problem trying to find an answer and when I come up with none I feel useless, out of control and useless. I have barely any energy left and feel like I am on a treadmill going at top speed. My stomach is constantly churning to the point I feel so sick I cant eat and I am losing weight fast. I am not sleeping very well and am constantly tired, snappy and extremley irritable. I am going to see my doctor this week but I dont want to go on medication so I dont really know what they can do for me, but I have to do something! I try talking to friends and family but hate it because I feel like I am constantly moaning. They have their own issues to deal with and even have gone so far as to tell me to 'stop feeling so sorry for myself'. They are right. I should, but I just cant. I constantly feel guilty, upset, worthless and downright useless. My head is constantly buzzing and I overthink everything which makes every situation a whole lot worse because I get to the point where I cant think straight and end up making mountains out of molehills and resolving absolutely nothing. I feel like crap and am beginning to truly hate myself. I am sorry for the length but I just needed to get this all out somewhere.

to DF glasshalfempty

I am glad that you have found this place to help you try and get some some support with all that you are facing and have gone through, You have been through so much

It might be a good idea to visit your local doctor and talk to them about how you are feeling. Sometimes it might be medication or it might be therapy, where you talk to someone about what your going through or maybe it might be a combination of both things to help you see that not is all lost or it might be something eles that helps you.

HUGS
&
Please write as much as you feel like writing,
Isabeau

welcome to DF. I hear your pain .........

Can I share with you something I learned from a Nursing Sister on a childrens' ward where the babes were terminally ill? That many children will pass away when alone? Because they don't want to 'hang on' for their loved ones? Maybe your grandad was the same? He knew you cared. Because you had visited before and as often as you could do. If he was very ill he may well not have realised that you were away. Would he have grudged you the party?

As for a long distance relationship. Before I married hubby went away for 3 years: not a continual 3 years but it was hell enough! We are still together but I remember the sadness each time he went to Uni., each time he came back, how much we had to share our time with others ........ stressful but we were very young then. Don't know whether I would have the stamina these days.

You had a termination because it was 'right' for you. A consultant once told the parents of a child undergoing intensive therapy to "make decisions with the knowledge you have in your hand today: yesterday is finished with, tomorrow is unknown. " We can all say 'what if' and let guilt bring us down: been there, done it ........

Do you have care and control of your 3 bairns? Maybe I missed this in the thread.

You need to allow yourself to grieve. To grieve for the bad parts of your marriage, to grieve for the fact that you current partner is away, to grieve for the fact that your children are denied their father, to grieve for your grandad and for the baby you 'gave' away. That is a LOT for any one to deal with. Maybe counselling would help?

Let us know how you are tomorrow?

Welcome to DF, glasshalfempty,
I can understand fully from your post why you are feeling depressed.

My condolences for the loss of your grandfather. You had a special bond with him and the untimely (sudden and not expected on that day) loss leaves you without any meaningful closure. Was Hospice involved with his care? If so, they offer bereavement support for family members (I am a bereavement support volunteer for the local Hospice here). Some Hospices offer grief support for the community, so you could call your local Hospice to see if they offer those services. Grieving takes as long as it's necessary for you to heal, adjust and accept the loss of your loved one. Guilt plays a major part of the grieving process (I think it's the hardest part). Being able to have a sense of closure is very important.

"Termination" You did what you belived was the right thing for you. Again, this has brought another segment of grief for you. Were you offered any form of counseling prior to or afterwards? Some of the clinics here do to be certain that is what the mother wants.

"LDR" Does he get home leave from his assignment? If so, that helps keep you in "touch" iIRL. My LDR had no home leave and we were 5,000 miles away from each other living in different foreign countries (both of us are US citizens.) The different life experiences changed us to the point we didn't know each other anymore (even tho' we had intense mail communication). As a result, our relationship ended within a year of our returning "home."

"Divorce, Ex" My sis is in the end stages of a messy divorce-the settlement part was just finished. I presume you were awarded custody of the children and he has visitation rights. "Alimony" is not awarded in every divorce nowadays (my sister gets none) and is usually decided on during the "settlement" part of divorce proceedings. Does he pay child support? If he doesn't, you should go to Family Court to file a claim against him (oftentimes the judge will make it retroactive to the divorce date). He's just as much financially responsible for them as you are. He doesn't sound like much of a father if he hasn't seen the kids in 5 months. Has he called or sent letter to them? It's easy to say, but kids should never be put in the middle or be made to feel like the other parent is the "bad guy."

"Kids" Check with your health insurance plan for preferred mental health providers in your area. That is a first step. You can specifically ask if any of the providers specialize with children/adolescents. Some schools have psychologists available for students, so you could check into that as well. No doubt, your son's anger/behavior stems from the divorce and disruption of the whole family "unit." His father's absence from the home is disturbing and more so if his father is "messing with his head" when he does visit. Do you allow your children to call their dad? That may help a bit if they can talk to him once in awhile.

"Finances" The mortgage situation in the US is horrible. It sounds like you were pulled into one of the 1% 5-year mortgage deals (which caused the crisis). The government is working on a bill to help people stuck with these types of mortgages. You may want to call your lender to see what they can do. The other alternative is to get some form of financial advisor to advocate for you to refi at a lower rate when your your current rate expires and the mortgage rolls over to a 7% or higher rate. The hard part is getting a refi when house values have fallen below the purchase price.

As for you, seeing your doc is the first step. Medication can help lift your mood, but it cannot allieviate the current stressors you have. What may work well for you is talk therapy. Having a nonjudgemental third party who will listen, give you unbiased positive feedback and guidance is beneficial. It may look bleak and overwhelming at the moment, but you will be able to get out of this "hole." You have begun making steps to help you and the kids. It's the right direction and it's positive.
Sheepwoman

Thank you all for taking the time in reading my post and replying, I really appreciate it :-)

A lot of what you have said makes a lot of sense and has given me some comfort and I thank you for that, I really do. Logically I know all this but I am just finding it really hard to be logically minded at the moment.

As far as the termination is concerned I was offered a counselling session before it took place. I refused at the time because to be honest I was so numb and just didnt want to face up to what I was doing, it was only after that I really needed it and it wasnt on offer then.

As for the LDR it used to be he would get home every six weeks or so but this year he has only managed to return twice. I have to wait another 5 months before he will be home again. We are in daily contact via text and IM so its pretty good really. Just this year has been incredibly difficult and the first person you want to turn to for a hug is your partner, only I am unable to do that and thats why I have been finding it really difficult. Again, I appreciate I am luckier than others, doesnt stop it feeling any worse though.

The situation with the ex is a difficult one. I live in the UK so the divorce laws are different here and are somewhat antiquated. I have full custody of the children and he doesnt help me financially at all. He bought some clothing for the kids a few months back but thats it. There is no point going to court for maintenance as I work and it would cost me in legal bills and he officially is unemployed so he would only have to pay about £5 per week for the children if forced. Trouble is I know he is working (cash in hand) but I cant prove it and until I can there is not much I can do so far as that is concerned. I just have to put up the with the situation. As for him having contact with the kids, I have never refused him contact whatsoever, it is him that refuses to put himself out to come and pick them up. I have been extremely accomodating even going so far as to take the kids to him but I cant keep doing that as it is costing me more money in travel AND it leaves me absolutely shattered. I do ensure that the kids call him a couple of times a week so they can talk to him and keep up some kind of contact but for them its just not enough.

As for my kids, I have seen my GP and he has referred my son to a local child psychiatrist we are just waiting for an appointment. The school has also been incredibly supportive and he now has a learning mentor to help him deal with his anger and issues. I have a meeting tomorrow with the learning mentor so hopefully this should help in our being about to communicate without screaming or shouting. I hope.

Finances are a major issue at the moment. I was given a 2 year fixed rate on a high interest rate and was only allowed to have a 15 year term. At the moment I am paying interest only but even that is taking up nearly the whole of my monthly pay! I have spoken to various banks about re-mortgaging but I have had to take a pay cut since I first got the mortgage. I had to get a job more local to home as commuting was a nightmare and I was barely seeing the kids. However I am now down £7000 per annum and as such no bank will lend me the amount I need as my figures just dont add up now. I have to stick with what I have got. I am looking at all possible options but its really scary. So far every avenue I have been down has been knocked back but I intend to keep looking and hopefully I will find the answer somewhere.

As for me I intend on making an appointment to see my GP tomorrow. I am going to ask for counselling or some kind of therapy as I really do need someone to talk to about all this without worrying that I am driving them insane with my ramblings!

Thanks again for all of your input, it has really helped and I will update you as soon as I can.

Glasshalfempty