Hi, I'm new here and have had problems with depression for as long as I can remember, going back to grade school. I am 48 years old now and am depressed, I know that much. I was taking Paxil up until last year, when I got fired from my job. I still take my Xanax, on occasion when I have crying spells and feel like I can't function like a normal person, that's where I don't understand if it's depression or anxiety. I will start crying on my way to work and have to sit in my car, hoping it will stop but if I don't take a couple Xanax, it could go on for hours and I would never make it in to work and then i feel like running away and not coming back.
I stopped taking the Paxil because i feel like I am not normal having to take them. I have very much stress in my life. I had a baby die many years ago, I got fired from a job, my husband almost lost his job, my 19 yr old had a baby and lives at home and I am afraid her baby will die of SIDS like mine did, so i am constantly checking on her and worrying about her health, well everyones health for that matter. I am always thinking about if my parents, children dieing. I haven't gotten along, well it's not even that, my husband and I are more or less room mates fro the last 8 years. I think about leaving him and having my own place on my own but can't do it because I have a low paying job, then I hope he will overcome to a disease or something and die and then I feel guilty thinking that way. I know I should seek professional help but we are in such a stressful financial crunch and our health insurance has a $550 deductible that I can't afford it. I know I should go back on my Paxil and I do for about a week then i quit taking them and now they want me to come back in before they will refill my Xanax and I can't afford it because I owe them already. my life is such a mess right now.

Hi and Welcome to DF lei

You have got a lot of stressors in your life. Depression and anxiety can be so closely linked.
It does sound like you worry about everything, kind of thinking too much, which can bring on anxiety.
I know paxil can have some awful side effects if stopped abruptly without doc supervision. Most meds can have horrid withdrawel side effects.
I know you are battling with money, but are there not free community MH clinics, or even the ER at the one of the Hospitals.

Trace

I feel for you Lei. I think when people have to deal with chronic psychological pain it wears on them. The only time my husband struck me in my marriage was after my baby was sick in the hospital (this was almost 12 years ago). My point being that stressors in your life lead to ugly things. Have you asked your doctor if there are ways to pay for antidepressants? Maybe there is something out there to pay for that. I don't know. I have found that in life if there is a will there is a way. (Ha and I say this as someone who struggles with depression now but I've never tried getting therapy or meds.) The b***** of suffering is that seems like suffering breeds more suffering - how crappy is that?

And anxiety or depression? Probably doesn't matter which label - you're not functioning and that's the important thing. Until you find a solution - like me - I recommend coming here.

One thing I've found helps (on some days) is if I get a train of negative self-hating thoughts going - I try to stop them the instant they start coming on. I play happy music in my car and avoid triggers when possible. I hang around people that make me feel better about myself. Negativity seems to breed negativity. I know nothing really - but I know that coming here is a good start.