I feel devastated, as though something has been ripped out of my body… I’m sorry that this is long, but I am so, so shocked…

My youngest daughter has had diabetes, type 1, since age 8; she’s now 15. Since a while after her diagnosis, she has suffered, with varying intensity, from all sorts of physical symptoms unrelated to the diabetes, like headaches, chronic nausea (as in: every day), heartburn, stomach ache, neck ache and many other things. She has missed loads of school as she is often to sick to go. She also gets bad migraine headaches. Recently, everything had got particularly bad and I took her to a new endocrinologist, who took over her diabetic care, conducted a bunch of blood tests (all normal) to rule out any physical causes, and then referred us to a psychiatrist/psychologist team (he referred both my daughter and me, as he astutely picked up that I was hanging by a thread). She was diagnosed with anxiety/depression and put on Cymbalta. During her last recent visit to the EndoDoc, her sugar control had worsened to the extent that the doc put her on a strict daily schedule and suggested she needed “a more structured environment for a couple of months”… perhaps boarding school for a bit…

We decided that she should go and live with her father for a bit, and honestly I just want whatever is best for her, so even though I’d miss her, we’d still be in the same small town and I would see her often, and it would just be until she got better. So that was okay. But now I’ve heard that her father is making this a PERMANENT move, i.e. he is taking her from me FOREVER, stopping her maintenance payment and taking control over which doctors she sees and everything…..!

Apart from the grief of having my child ripped from me and the implication that I am an unfit mother, I’m sick with worry because he is a Scientologist and may well want to stop her therapy and medication because he “doesn’t believe in it”.

She has agreed to go there, which at least makes me feel a bit better; it’s not against her will, but I am consumed with guilt over not having provided the structured environment she has needed (the last year has been particularly bad for me as I slid further and further into depression, and have been in hospital twice), and having let her down, over all the meals I didn’t cook, over sometimes just not being emotionally available for her, because I’ve been so suicidal. Part of what caused my depression to recur, was her deteriorating condition and all her mystery physical symptoms (she is calm and appears fine on the outside) – I took her to several doctors and just felt so helpless, and I’m a NURSE – how can I be unable to make it go away? So I guess we have been in a bad cycle of worry over each other, leading to worsening for both of us, leading to more worry, making us both worse....

So it is the right thing for her to go to her father for a while, who is quite a control freak (sorry, negative bias showing, after all I did divorce him) and will provide more structure for her, but have I done such a bad job that she must be taken away FOREVER??? I feel I am being PUNISHED – he has always said that I choose to be depressed and choose to be a victim of it, has been suspicious of anything psychiatric, including the DRUGS, and now, just as she has been diagnosed, he is going to whip her away from my terrible influence. Yes, I am depressed and struggling to cope, but…. I feel so deeply guilty, I can’t even describe it.

Next year my oldest goes to university, into a residence, so this will mean both my children will have gone. The oldest I was prepared for and it is right that she goes…. But I can’t help the overpowering feeling that I must’ve been VERY,VERY BAD and so unfit that my child has to be removed from my home! And this because I am depressed, have done several failed med trials in a row and got deeper and deeper. I am trying my best… but it’s not good enough. My child assures me she loves me and that it’s for the sake of her diabetic care for her to go, which I totally accepted, but… I never, ever thought I would lose her FOREVER...

I feel terrible for burdening you all with this story, but I am gutted… in a daze and just wandering around the house like a lost soul. I love her dearly and we are very close, but despite having parented her to the best of my ability, I'm losing her. It’s the last thing I need right now, with my own depression, but far more than that, I feel a horribly harsh sense of loss, guilt and punishment, while he of course feels victorious.

I must keep going and encourage her, but I feel deeply ashamed because I really have failed…

This post has been edited by moonlightress: Jul 5 2008, 10:35 AM

moonlightress!

I'm so sorry this is happening and let me assure you that your feelings are understandable in that those of us with children feel incredible pain, when they feel pain, happiness when they are happy, etc. They are a part of us, so to have her go away, you feel as if you are being torn.

Nothing you've said indicates you are a bad mother though. It sounds as if going through this crisis with her has triggered your anxiety and depression, so that made it difficult to help her. You must get yourself stable first before you can truly help her. It always reminds me of putting the air mask on us first in an airplane incident-then you putting it on your child. That always bugged me, but now I have a better understanding of it. Are you getting some help?

Does your ex has a legal right to try and take custody of her? I too would be concerned about his beliefs and that everything you've done so far will fly out the window. You really seemed on the right track. Do you have a family or does she have a friend whose family might be willing to take her in for awhile providing the stability she needs and allowing you time to get help?

Can I share a secret that many here already know isn't a secret-ha? It will be difficult when your oldest child leaves for college and even when your younger daughter leaves. However, you will adjust and honestly most of us who have gone through this, learn to love the lifestyle change. Your time becomes your time, and you pick up things you previously loved and now will have time to do. I love my son, but after he's been home from college a couple of weeks, we are both asking - when do you go back?-ha! He asks it too. I always felt guilty about that until I found every other college parent friend of mine felt the same way-ha!

You need to take time for yourself and get some needed rest and help. Only then can you help your daughter. All of this is just my opinion and there may be others who do not agree.

Take care and please let us know how it goes.

Sincerely,

Maddie

Dear Moolightress<

sending you a bunch of hugs !!!!


this all sounds so terrible i have a daughter of the same age and couldnt handle it either.... if it is best or her then you are the strong one. its hard doing whats best sometimes,, but she is not gone she is still alive and apart of your life, you are not a failure you have done the best with the cards you were dealt ! keep your chiin up ! i will send you my prayers! chel

Dear Moonlightress,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so distraught. That is only natural; you've so many issues hitting you at once. Anyone would feel as you do, even under the best of circumstances--without on-going depression, that is.

Do you have any friends who can offer you support now? (I haven't read any of your other threads, so I'm not sure about your overall situation.) I just went through two months of the hardest times of my life, and if it wasn't for friends, and some complete strangers, I never would have made it through as well as I did.

In my country, you must go to court before you can obtain total custody of a child. Just because your ex husband says that this is what he wants, doesn't mean it is going to happen. You can suggest that this arrangement be a temporary situation, and that the issue be reviewed later.

And even if he does get custody permanently, your daughter is still your daughter! She will soon be an adult and will continue to be connected to you, regardless of what a piece of paper says. She will probably want to move back in with you, if she doesn't go away to school to continue her education.

You sound like a loving, intelligent woman, and I'm sure that your daughter would agree with that assessment. I'm sure she loves you deeply and forever.

It is not unusual for children of divorced parents to switch homes (parents) when they hit their teenage years, either. It happens a lot, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing, certainly not the end of the world, or the end of a mother/daughter relationship.

This period will resolve itself. In the meantime, your daughter will get the proper medical care--otherwise a school authority will notice and intervene on her behalf.

The other thing that you must try to do, if possible, is take good care of yourself in every way you can at this time. You sound like you need a rest from stress. I read something this week about a poll done of women with children, and the number one thing that they wanted was to have some time alone.

Tough times happen to us all. We go through them, and live to help others when their number comes up. You aren't alone. Come back here and write about what you are feeling, what's going on.

Nopawn

Thanks so much, everyone. I'm so touched now, I'm crying. I am going to get coffee, so that I will make some sense and then reply.
Thank you...

Thanks Maddie. Yes, it's all been one vicious cycle. When she began to get nausea every single day, I just couldn't deal with not being able to help her. We tried every nausea med on the market, I was often at the GP with her etc etc. I have a history of recurrent depressions, so I've always been vulnerable in that way...

Yes, I am thanks. I'm on meds and in psychotherapy. Meds have partly kicked in, now I'm waiting for the Efexor to do the magic it did before. I'm also in some pretty active psychotherapy with a great psychologist who keeps my nose to the grindstone, dear soul.

There is no-one else we can send her to, so her father is probably the best choice. I don't think he has a right legally to take her against my will - but i do NOT have the strength for a court battle.

What I'm hanging onto here is how my daughter feels. She is okay with going there and she says she will insist on carrying on with seeing the EndoDoc. He is great and is likely to equally insist that she at least keeps in touch with the pdoc and ptherapist, so I'm hoping SHE can keep her own treatment on track. She spent her last night with me, last night and came and crawled into bed with me some time during the night - she was an icicle! so I defrosted her and it was just nice to have her sleep with me... We talked about everything and she says she is going to choose where she wants to live, so she thinks she should go there a bit to see if she can't get her symptoms managable and we agreed - I am still too depressed to manage the structure thing. But I will have her two nights a week. So perhaps it won't be forever - we'll see how it goes... I was so freaked out at first, I just got in such despair. That man has not said a word about any arrangements - I really think he is just going to come and pick her up and take her away! Man, I could utter some expletives about now...

Nodding... I will adjust and I'll have much more time to do my art... I just didn't expect the empty nest syndrome to come so soon....

I am really just keeping in mind what is best for HER. If she gets better there, then that will be the right thing. I'll keep in enough contact with her that she can get to talk and express her feelings (her father doesn't really do the feelings thing very well). And if it works for her, then I will just deal with own feelings about the failure etc.

Thanks so much for your reply. I'm trying to engage the rational side of me...

Chel, thanks for the hugs.... yes, I am hanging onto her not being gone, and two nights a week, I will get to have her. The failure feeling is a strong one, and even though I KNOW it's also a feature of depression, I'm finding it hard to keep my head up right now and not feel like a bad mother.

Each depressive episode I've had, has been hard for the girls, but we made it through the last one, a year or two after the divorce, although it was shorter, I had a great pdoc who got me back on my feet quite quickly, with lots of support (and therapy). This one has been about a year and things are not going well - so yeah... I guess it's true about the cards one is dealt... I just wish I could have done better...

Thanks so much, nopawn. Yes, I do have friends and I am probably going to go and cry there as well...

I really don't want to make this a court/custody situation as any more fighting is just going to upset my daughter more. I am sticking to what she wants and decides. Her father cannot hang onto her if she wants to leave (I do still have custody.)
I don't want to give her the idea that she has no control and can just be shunted around. So I will respect her feelings.

Yes. Now that it is morning and I'm thinking a bit more rationally, she probably WILL come home at some time. Her cat is here and he won't let her take him with her, and also (this what gets me)! - he has never kept rooms for the girls at his house - they always sleep in the spare room when they go to him! I hope at least he lets her make that spare room into her own with posters etc. She asked me if she could still keep the rest of her things in her room here - and I was actually shocked and said to her - your room is YOUR room, it will stay just as it is. It will always stay your room until you are grown-up and WANT to leave for good.

I guess... It's just the hostility of that man that I think is making it hard, plus his threats about the psych things - he says he wants to "meet them first" before "he decides" whether she can carry on seeing them!!

Nodding and it has always been in short supply, that time alone. But you know you just have to gear yourself up to cope with what has to be coped with, and I've been juggling work and the girls and trying to fit in just something for myself and I have overstretched myself for so long, I don't even know how to gear down. The girls have been my life, I've arranged everything around them. But yes, the psychologist is saying the same thing as you!

Thank you. I think that's what made me so grateful that I stumbled in here one day after a goggle search. Now I'm crying again. It has been truly good for me to be able to write so much again, I stopped doing that for a long time.....

OK, so now I am all weepy and sentimental and the thread has got long and I won't blame you if you just skipped it - but I just want to say a HUGE THANKS to everyone who keeps this forum running. It has been a BIG part of my therapy and I can't begin to tell you how much it has meant to me. To all those who I've spoken (written) with over the last few months that I've been here - thank you for being who you are. Every story makes me think some, sometimes cry some and sometimes realise some... and renews the feeling that I must keep going and fight the good fight...

(and I can be sure the psychologist is going to fry me about the failure thing.. in his own kind, but insistent, way.)

moonlightress!

I'm so impressed with your thorough responses! Wow, you addressed everyone's questions even. How great!

It sounds like your daughter is very much in control of her health situation, and I really don't think she'll let your ex. try to influence her medical decisions too much. If she likes her endo., and she's starting to see results, I'm sure that's enough influence for her to continue and not try some off the wall therapy (sorry for any Scientologists who believe Tom Cruise's idea that ADs are dangerous and how he's helped people get over their depression with vitamins-great and and I'm sure it works for some). I don't know what Scientologists believe about endocrine problems or how to cure them, but it sounds like your daughter's doctor may be on the right track.

Hold on moonlightress! I'm sure it will get better for you!

Sincerely,

Maddie

((((((((Moonlightress))))))))))

I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
All I wanted to say is that you have come a long way and it must be hard for your daughter to go to her father, but it won't be forever. She is getting older, she is your daughter and she loves you. No matter where she is, she will always be with you. It sounds like you have raised her wonderfully and that she has a level head and will know what is right.
Use this time for yourself, some you time, for art, walks, anything that you enjoy doing. Healing time for you.
And Happy Birthday to you!!

Trace

dont feel guilty about whats happend in the past, its the present and future that matters now. im sure u did ur best as a mother under the circumstances you've been in, and im sure ur daughter knows that.
if you daughter has said she'll go to her dads then maybe she just wants to give it a go, and i know when someones ill its worth trying anything to get them better. if shes 15 it wont be long until shes 16 and can do what she wants a live where she wants. id say use this time to get yourself as sorted as u can and also try and make some sort of social life for urself, i know so many people when theyr kids leave fall apart because they had no life outside of their kids. good luck

Remember you divorced their father for reasons - if he was a control freak with you for example, does it mean he will be with your daughter?

Guilt can destroy any emotions we have left: been there, worked through it, still sad ....... at least your daughter goes to him willingly. Depression can cause us to not be able to function fully, leading to guilt as you mentioned. So long as her father isn't using the situation to 'get back' at you? Perhaps talking to the medical team she has been seeing to make sure they have the complete picture?

My nausea is due to the fact that I don't eat correctly, my stomach gets hungry so I feel sick, then I dont' eat. Maybe she's so full of anxiety about life in general and perhaps she has her own guilt to work through due to the changes in her circumstances, she's nervous so feels sick? She's at that 'difficult' age <rolls eyes>.

This is NOT about bad parenting. This is about providing the best you can for your children with the knowledge you have TODAY! Yesterday is over: dealt with. Tomorrow is clean until someone somewhere messes up ;-). What opportunity will you have to talk with your daughter and her father together so that you have a Plan of Campaign say until C.mas? Sometimes however hard it might be at the time, people with chronic illness need breathing space!


What ever happened between you and her father, is not the same as what happened to her? We all see situations differently and some of us have a greater ability to forgive than others ....... maybe by building a relationship with her father she will mature, stand back and see the whole picture. Keep posting!

moonlightress,

as i am reading your posts again ( honestly this forum just makes me feel good and i dont feel good right now. i pour everything into everyone else and i feel lonely and ignored) anyways , you really are beating yourself up. we as moms always do, everytime my children have a break down or dont do good on something i blame myself or not doing this or not doing that . it