i have determined the one event in my life that if i had made another choice i would have lived a much better life... when i was 12 or 13 my father was very abusive to me... at that time i had a strong vioce telling me to kill him... the only thing that save his life was i was afraid of what might happen to me... however after looking at my lifwe later i relise that if i had killed my father i would have received the proper care i needed, at the very most i would have been in a mental ward till i turned 21... this was the event that caused my downward spiral... i could have changed it if i had not been so selfish... i would not have had to live such a terrible childhood... it would have been worth it

I'm sorry you had to go through that, beg1984.

It must be really difficult for you to have to deal with that notion, but you have to try and let it go so that you can move forward in your life. You can't know for sure that going down that road would have resulted in a better life for you. Different, sure, but not necessarily better.

Dwelling on the past can make it very difficult to look to the future. Perhaps you could look into seeing a counselor to work through these issues so that you can begin to look ahead.

actually i told my therapist about this 2 weeks ago, she kinda did a jaw drop...

I have to admit I've had those thoughts and fantasies a lot, about how my life could've been different and possibly better if I had eliminated certain abusive people. But obviously, those are not healthy or productive thoughts. Besides, you don't know what it would've done to you. Killing someone, no matter how wretched they were, would've probably made your life even more difficult and disturbing. There was a time, when I was young, that I came incredibly close to killing certain people in my life who were making me miserable. But looking back now, I can honestly say that despite all of the pain they caused, I would've seriously screwed my life up if I had followed through. In fact, I'm sure I'd be dead now, by my own hand, if I had done it. Please try to let go of the past, and the rage you have for your father.

((((((Beg)))))))

I'm sorry that your father abused you to such an extent, that you had to consider taking his life as an option to be helped.
No matter where you are or what you do, you can get the help yourself and I don't see harming another person as an option. Through your therapist you can work through this, you can confront your rage. I am glad that you are in therapy and that you have told your therapist. Now you can deal with it.
I truly believe in what goes around comes around and your father will get what he has given, even if you don't see it.

Trace

I read this, and had to walk away..I could have written it myself..I had made plans more than once to shoot him with his own gun, his prized posestion. It meant more to him than us...
I will say. I truly don't know if it would have really made yours or my life for the better. If your like me, even though both us probably believe they deserved it, the guilt later on would be overwelming. We're better than that, hopefully?
My father has passed, and to be honest I think he got off easier than he deserved. Dimentia took his memory of all negitive, no guilt or remorse for the damage he left us that all of us still suffer from to this day. He even had said towards when he still had a few "marbles" left, he gave us a good lfe and spoiled us.
I can still hear his voice in my head sceaming at me, I can see the look on his face with his fists and teeth clenched, the veins in his head and neck ready to explode when I thought for sure this is it, he's gonna kill me. In some ways I wish he did, my pain would have been over a long time ago...Sad, but true

I'm not trying to turn this into a post about me, only that I can relate 100%. And I feel terrible about the way you feel, but your are not alone.
If you ever want to discuss this and see if maybe we can somehow help each other out, I would be glad to.
Therapy and meds so far are not helping me with this, meds a little, esp benzos which is bad I know. But some of my BP meds seem to be increasing my flashbacks as I gain some clarity. I hate feeling "stupid", but a cluttered foggy brain feels better sometimes.

I wish you the best of luck moving on from this, I hope we both somehow can