When I was 12 and naive, well, beyond naive, I killed a squirrel. It was a young squirrel and a friend dared me to. I was young and at the time didn't care much about anything.

I'm 26, going on 27 now, and I am gifted with animals. I can not tell you how many animals I have taken under my wing and made healthy and happy. I have 2 cats who love me very much, and I in turn love them too. And I think back to that day, and I can't help but wonder, what will become of my children?

Besides that one incodent, I can't think of one significant thing I've done wrong. I mean, I've made mistakes, but to actually do something wrong out of the cruelty or lack of love in my heart, I can not think of anything. Besides taking the life of that helpless animal, have I done no hurt?

But, for whatever reason, that one act haunts me, and I can not seem to come to terms with it. It is not that it WAS a wrong, it that it was so WRONG. I just can't seem to get it out of my head. A friend said that God has forgiven me (which I believe is true), but now I have to forgive myself. How can I do that? Will I ever be able to forgive myself?

(((Catman929)))) you were a child, yes you knew you were doing wrong but were a child all the same, have you tried counselling?
Everyone has done things they arn't proud of, try to think of all the animals you have helped since, that one mistake has made you more caring towards animals.


Torch

This post has been edited by suburgatory: Jun 29 2008, 05:37 PM

(((((((( Catman929 )))))))))))))

How I feel for you , I do find your post very positive , because you know you made a mistake , accept that you are human , accept that at the age of twelve we have as yet an unformed sense of morality and the consequences of our acts. it is during our teens that we learn to make choices after the mistakes we may make , you made the right choices after this. and you should congratulate yourself , thank that little squirrel for teaching you which choice to make .

sending you hugs hedge

This post has been edited by suburgatory: Jun 29 2008, 05:37 PM

Sometimes our past comes to haunt us because we are unable to alter what we did. As we grow older we can see the wrongs and why-fores more clearly. Forgive yourself. The squirrel died and you didn't need to have been involved but you cannot change that you were. Look on it as a learning curve, a bad deed at the time which has led you to knowing that we shouldn't cause hurt to others.

You have 2 cats to improve your caring skills on. If I could turn those 3 days prior to my spaniel dying I would do so: hindsight is a wonderful thing but it's always too late had I known then what I knew after she was put to sleep .......... it haunts me 6 years down the line but I am beginning to realise that I did my best with the knowledge I had then.

Are you worried that you will be cruel again?

Thank you everyone for your kind words. To answer your question Lizzy, no, I am not afraid or worried. I may not be all there, but I know if I were to do harm unto another animal I would truly be someone else.

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.

I wrestle with guilty memories, too. Mostly, they're about the pain and destruction I inflicted on other people when I was severely depressed. Some things are so disturbing I can't talk about them on this site. I've found a way to ease my torment a little, and that's through helping others here. I feel that each person I help makes a little dent in my negative karma, although I have a very long way to go before I'll feel I've made amends. I also did some cruel things to animals as a kid, though I adore animals now and they gravitate to me, even though I feel unworthy. I know how hard it is to forgive yourself. I honestly think that's the single most difficult lesson to learn on this earth. That little squirrel was sent to you to bring out the healer of animals that you are, and he's happily chattering on your shoulder right now.

Guilt for me is due to the fact that I cannot alter what happened. If only ......... I try now to take a deep breath before i alter my way of life so that I don't continue to make mistakes or say things that I may regret. I have snapped hard at my Hubby in the past and those times come back to haunt me too, though he tells me he doesn't remember ....... I then snap 'cos I don't know if he's being kind or that he really doesn't remember <rolls eyes> ..........

So long as I learn from my mistakes and move forwards to help others ......... no one is perfect after all and maybe only the guilty remembers the act: others move on as it doesn't have the same effect on them.

We all make mistakes. You were a child and children make mistakes. You knew you made a wrong and I belive that if you want to forigve yourself then you should continue to lvoe and care and help animals whenever you can. That's the only way you can do it IMO.

Good luck

-Karrie

Catman,

your post made me think of all my friends who tortured and killed animals when they were kids ... ..........

Not trying to trivilialize how you feel about it though, well maybe a little because you are SO haunted by it. But it sucks being human, it sucks what all we are capable of doing, especially when we're kids! But it goes for every single one of us, do you understand that? No one gets away, no one is incapable of being cruel and unusual at any point in their life...


What you did was SO wrong, yeah, nevertheless any child psychologist would tell you as a one time event it was pretty normal! Kinda depressing, I can see how it makes you think twice about your own kids, but you know what, if you make sure they are not actual psychopaths then you've done ok.

I think, though, if you manage to grow up to be a kind adult, I think that's all anyone can wish for. Think about what adults do - well actually don't, it'll make you more depressed. Just keep taking care of animals, it's people like you that make the world liveable.



This post has been edited by Lizzy: Aug 7 2008, 05:54 AM

My brother, who has OCD (and seems to have more similar experiences than I do myself sometimes on this board with others ) I remember him doing something similar around his pre-teen, early teen years. He desperately wanted to be friends with this group of boys and they were repeatedly shooting a turtle with a BB gun and he joined in. I remember him telling my parents the story later in tears - tormented by the image in his mind. For my brother, the need to belong warred with his 1)soft spot for animals and other defenseless creatures and his 2)OCD and his 3) strong need to be manly and strong (or what he thought others would see as not "girly" and weak. My brother has the softest heart of anyone I know. I suspect from from you've said - you are much the same.

The fact that you are BOTHERED by it just goes to show you are a normal healthy human being who made a mistake. A monster would never think twice about harming another.

I wish you peace in your thoughts. :)
NickyLynn

Empathy and sympathy are hard learning curves sometimes .........