Perhaps, just perhaps, my depression could improve by about .001% if life wasn't constantly spitting in my face. The massive unfairness of life continues to amaze & disgust me. This is going to be a personal & childish rant, I know there are much bigger things going on with people here & around the world that trump what happened to me tonight. These things are on my mind as well & invoke just as much emotion, but right now I just need to scream about my life.

One of my favorite authors was coming to do a book signing/reading at the local B&N tonight. I had been looking forward to it all week & vowed that no matter how bad my depression & anxiety, that I would go, that it would only be another regret if I didn't. I live in one of the smaller & less cultured American cities, so things like this are hard to come by.

I woke up to the regular nauseating depression but plowed through the day determined to make it to 7pm. I got home from work & broke down with the usual fatigue & sadness in the pit of my stomach. I took a small nap to try to revive myself & got up to go to the book store. I generally avoid large crowds, b/c of social anxiety I pretty much avoid places where more than a dozen of people are present... this was going to be 50 dozen. I prepared myself for the coming anxiety & did my best to get ready to leave, I was beginning to run late & unfortunately had to have a couple glasses of wine to take the edge off just to leave the house.

Long story short: events followed once I got to the book store where my anxiety & depression got the best of me & I had to leave. It was either regret leaving, or regret having a breakdown in the middle of a crowded bookstore (where my bf works so I know alot of the employees).

I felt like crap for failing & called a couple of "friends" who I am not crazy about but knew they would be drinking & have responses like "screw that, we're more fun anyway" & I could feel better about it for about 5 seconds.

But the part where life decided to again shove it in my face that some people pretty much get it all, & the rest just get to barely get by was when my bf called me. I hate the animosity I'm feeling right now & feel horrible about it, but I can't stand his perfect life being constantly dangled in front of me. His worst day is still better than my best, things just work out for him. He's always on cloud 9, the only thing that brings him down to cloud 7 or 8 is me, something else to feel lousy about. If it wasn't for me he'd be perfectly happy, I'm the only thing that brings him down.

He already knows that I left & why, but he excitedly calls to tell me that the employees of the store were getting to personally meet & sit down with the author once the store closed. I think that's great & am really happy that he gets to do this, but come on! The boy that only discovered this author two weeks ago when he found out he's coming just had this oppurtunity dropped in his lap!?!? While I had to painstakingly try to attend and meet someone I've been a fan of for years only to fall on my face. WTF?? It was hard enough missing out on it, but having to again witness other people have it so easy makes me horribly bitter, something else I don't want to be.

I apologize for the self-absorbed "why me?" and pretty much pointless post, I just had to get it off my chest & am too embarrased to complain about this to anyone in my actual life. It's just another example of the icing on the depression cake.

This post has been edited by suburgatory: Jun 19 2008, 11:31 AM

Hey wanderer82,

Vent as much as you need to, I have done so many times before. It just feels like a bit of a release to let it out.

HUGS
Isabeau

Wanderer, it is good to let this all out. That was far from a pointless post, it is something you need to get out and that in itself is empowering.

Trace

Thanks.