Sitting at my desk 4 months ago, I would have never thought it would happen to me. Just sitting there 4 months ago at my computer desk and all of a sudden out of nowhere "what if I was gay" entered my head. This was on a Friday. That weekend was horrible, 24/7 anxiety.... it kept getting worse and worse I couldn't stop thinking about it, couldn't sleep at night anymore. Woke up in the middle of the night and was drenched in sweat. I went to the doctor for anxiety and was prescribed a small dosage of anxiety medication, but that didn't help and things got worse.

I became depressed, and it was absolutely terrible. I've never felt like that before, so I went back to my doctor and he put me on 20mg. of Celexa and after 2 months, I finally came out of my depression but my OCD thoughts still remained and came back. I think about the possibility of being... you know... all day and I can't stop. i am constantly checking if this is actually OCD or if i'm in denial which I know I am not b/c I never had any thoughts about dudes other than friends and hanging out. I'm 21 now, and I've always liked girls, and have loved my relationships, but now it seems that has all been taken away and numbed down. Even the girl I am with now, I am laying with her in bed and kissing her and it feels so great but every once in a while a thought would creep into my head and I would feel terrible again and started questioning over and over again. "Why did I think about it, why can't you concentrate on the moment and enjoy being with her..." these are just a few of the questions.

Lately, I feel like it's getting worse. Anything suggestive at all I would see I would spike over. I would tense all the muscles in my body and shake my head trying to make the thoughts go away. But it gets worse when I am laying in bed at home. I am constantly getting these terrible thoughts of men around me or coming into my room and then I would almost panic and just crawl into a ball and try and not think about it and somehow i get to sleep.

I am finally seeing a psychiatrist, but I can't stop questioning this whole thing. Do I really have OCD? Am I just faking it? Has my life been a lie? Do I really want this and that...

I can't stand it anymore. I don't know what to think about this anymore.

Hey Zamardii,

I am sorry I cant tell you if you have OCD or not but make sure when you go and see the Pdoc that you tell them everything you have told us here.

Just tell them everything and anything that your feeling when you have these thoughts, that way they will be able to diagnoise you correctly.

Good luck with your appointment
HUGS
Isabeau

Does it sound like OCD?

It could be symptoms of different things, since we aren't dr's of any kind we don't know. But talk to your Dr. they are professionals. They will give you an answer you can trust. and then go from there. It's scarey, but keep coming to see us here and you'll have lots of support.

My OCD revolved around lumps and bumps on my body I thought normal bumps was cancer I kept going to the Dr about them and that was how depression was diagnosed. I was a junior manager in a Turkey factory and it had been creeping up on me for several years. I had no problems with sexuality but OCD takes on many forms. Talk to the professionals about it. see how you feel then. whatever you feel I expect there will be plenty of support on the forum. Good luck.

OCD is crazy. I was on Citalopram, a very good medicine for OCD. To cut a long story short, I had to come off it basically after three years. Within a couple of weeks, I was convinced my hair was falling out. It was horrible. I would check and check every hair on my head and be bawling and crying every night I left work. Every hair I found on my desk or computer, I would be convinced it was mine.

Ask the doctor if you can try Citalopram or take a med for OCD with your current med. There are meds which work greatly with OCD.

I've been on 20mg of Celexa since my depression started almost 4 months ago, and since the OCD stuff has been acting up I have been upped to 40mg which I think helped with my specific OCD, however I can't stop ruminating. I'm at the point where sometimes I think i'm going crazy because I can't stop talking to myself, trying to predict conversation ahead of time, thinking about the future, all possible outcomes of things around me... it's driving me crazy. I find myself saying out loud "quiet, or "stop," and sometimes even "shut up," but that only works incredibly temporarily. I don't know what to do about it. I've been ruminating for years now and i've only ever really noticed it since I came out of my depression.

I don't know about OCD, but it definitely sounds like deep insecurity and intense anxiety. What does your dr think?

I haven't really talked too much about that specifically. When I try to explaijn what's going on in my head to my parents, they say that everybody talks to themselves but with me it's just like... for instance, right before I started typing this I was already trying to figure out what I was going to say, and I know that may not sound like something but it's more of trying to figure out how to type something instead of what sometimes. But it happens all the time in awkward instances like yesterday when I opened the refrigerator and I saw sour cream in the fridge I was instantly imaging having a conversation with my mom about when we're going to run out, who will buy more, when should we get it, how much I like it... And, if I had to list ion a given day how many conversations I imagine between myself and others I could write a book, but not only me but imagining what others are thinking about something or what they will say to others or whatever.

It bothers me because I can't stop doing it. I don't know if it's a bad habit that I picked up or what but it's really annoying that I can't just talk to people without having to think about the entire conversation ahead of time and ironically when I go to say something I sometimes don't even say anything because I already imagined the whole conversation and responses in my head so I don't even feel like talking because I think I already know what's going to be said. That happens a lot as well.

And at times, even when I am doing something fun I would already start thinking about what i'm going to be doing next that may be more fun or enjoyable. I feel like i'm not enjoying the moment because i'm always living in the future (if that makes any sense).

I don't know what to make of it.

This post has been edited by zamardii: Jul 3 2008, 10:34 AM

Hi Zamardii,

I know exactly what you mean. I have a running commentary in my head that drives me crazy sometimes- I talk through everything, what I will post, what I will do next, what I will say and on and on.
I put it down to an ocd symptom but I think I have had it as long as I remember. I am on 30mg citalopram which makes no difference to it.

I think if we worry about things they seem to get worse so try not to worry about it.
I found 40mg citalopram a bit too much for me.

What did 40mg do to you? They jumped me from 20 to 40 and I was hesitant about it at first.

I wish it were that easy. I simply can't stop the constant commentaries about EVERYTHING. Everytime Iw ould tell myself to not worry, relax, or say stop or something it never works for more than a second... maybe.

Zambardi,

I really think CBT could work for you in addition to medication. Some of us with OCD have to live with some incredibly hard to understand problems, but I have been able to identifity why and when mine happen and have since been able to block most of the bad thoughts.

it does get help

[quote name='zamardii' post='424709' date='Jun 17 2008, 02:46 PM']Sitting at my desk 4 months ago, I would have never thought it would happen to me. Just sitting there 4 months ago at my computer desk and all of a sudden out of nowhere "what if I was gay" entered my head. "



Not an M.D. Just my opinion below.

For what it's worth, I went through the same thing when I was a younger (am I gay? No really - how do I KNOW I'm not gay). I think what was really going on with me was I had just lost interest in sex entirely at that point in my life. I also understand the "Racing thoughts" issue and the mulling things over and over prior to acting. And I also understand having a running dialog with yourself.

I think if you are really gay, you pretty much know it from much earlier on then it sounds like you are. IF you have been attracted to chicks in the past, you probably will be again. What the OCD / anxiety / whatever is doing is making you fear that you are "horrible" which to you at this time in your life and with the social norms you grew up with may mean gay. My honest advice - Take a break from wanking if you are and quit worrying about sex altogether for a few weeks.

Whether it's OCD or anxiety (I think the two are very similar but I don't have an MD) it is treatable with the right medication. The right medication for me was Paxil. Unfortunately finding the right medication seems to be all trial and error Again, just my opinion, but the docs don't really have much of a clue about matching meds with patients.

My problem has been quelled by the Paxil with some adjustments here and there (a kicker of Wellbutrin or cymbalta).

I still have a running dialog with myself on occasion. But it's not at the intensity I did when I was at that unmedicated point in my life.

This post has been edited by Lizzy: Sep 29 2008, 05:31 AM

Not a doctor either, and I know nothing about how people realize they are gay. My understanding is it's not like a whopper of a moment - it's a feeling all along of being different - but that's only what I've HEARD.

From my brother and aunt's intense OCD, I would say there is a strong possiblity this is OCD - especially since this is this the aspect that plagues me as well. You find something you are very uncomfortable with or worried about and BLAM it comes to the forefront of your mind. For me for example, this has included being plagued by sexual thoughts while in church and being very upset by them. Or picturing smothering my babies when