**Please read all, or most of my post. It really means a lot to me.**

Hello. My name is Izzy, I'm nineteen and I live in Boulder, Colorado. I come to these forums probably for the same reason a lot of people do, which is concern. Concern that I'm convinced everyone here feels. But reading everyone's own accounts doesn't really do me much good, for I want my own personal account evaluated by others.

I have been depressed all my life, and have been through some pretty traumatic times... growing up, my sister was in gangs and we used to have cops over my house constantly. Constant screaming. Constant negative vibes. My parents (accidently?) also forced me to cook with them, which eventually evolved into a fetish for cooking.

In 8th grade, I dialed the wrong number once when trying to call my mom, and instead was greeted by a man who told me that my mom had died in a car crash. This of course was not the case, and I found out that she was alive and well about 2 hours later. But those 2 hours were awful. I was emotionless and dead.

All of a sudden in 10th grade, I came down with a case of tonsillitis. The few days before it kicked in, I was a bit out of it and sickly, but when I couldn't breathe because my tonsils were swollen, I was thrown into a endless spiral of anxiety and passed out (from anxiety, and low blood sugar)

I eventually, after much convincing for my mom, got her to take me to a psychiatrist and psychologist. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with separation anxiety and GAD, and put me on Paxil, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Paxil and Effexor made me puke and feel like I was going to claw my skin off, and Wellbutrin was good until I couldn't sleep. I stopped seeing her a year ago today.

I also got into a BAD car crash one week into driving by myself. I have never felt so hopeless.

Anyways, that's my little history.
Here are the symptoms I experience DAILY that INTERFERE with my life so much.

- Derealization: I feel I'm just a zombie and every little motion or word uttered is predetermined. I am convinced one day I will wake up in another person's body. Autopilot. I feel like I am delerious 24/7. I see (or convince myself to see) hallucinations not unlike those you see on a basic mushroom trip (shadows contracting, fuzzy specs in the dark)

- Bad vision: even with glasses on, everything looks very odd... almost like I am tripping.

- Tiredness - I sleep between 7-12 hours a night and always feel so sleepy when I wake up and always have to lay down after a few hours of wakefulness.

- Sad thoughts - I play movies in my head of tragic things happening.

- Anxiety

- Indecisiveness - I can't decide what I want to dress like, who I want to be, or how I want to act. My philosophies, religious views, and political views change bi-daily almost.

- I want people to feel bad for me. I sometimes wish for injuries just so that people can pay attention to me and pamper me and whatnot.

- Sexuality decreased - I can ********* fine, but as soon as I have intercourse with my girlfriend of 2 years, I forget we are even having sex.

- Bad short term memory, Excellent long term memory - I can't remember what I had for dinner 2 hours ago, but I can recite and recall ideas and quotes I haven't heard in years.

- Flashes of 'other endings' - If I almost get into a car crash, I will replay the exact scene over and over again in my head but this time I'll get hit and bad things will happen. Everytime I get hit (in my thoughts) I become tense and make that noise you make when you scrape your knee(You know, Hshhhhhhhhh)

- Paranoia/Hypochondria: That pain I felt in my stomach 5 minutes ago. I hope I don't throw up and have a stomach ache and have to cancel plans. Oh, god. What can I do to help stomach pains? *Googles "home remedies for stomach pains"*


That's all I can think of right now.

P.S: The following treatments have helped very much but I can't use them daily or weekly.

Klonopin - My love. it helps me so much with everything. It makes me, me again!
Cannabis - Wonderful mood enhancer, sleep promoter and anxiety destroyer... too bad it's illegal and shunneed by society.
Xanax - EH. It helps, but more in a bandage-over-problem kind of way. Knocks me out!

I have told psychiatrists that these treatments work, but they just ignore me and put me on more SSRIs and turn me into a zombie.

Also, before you talk to me about how tripping or cannabis made my anxiety or depression worse, consider the fact that I've been the exact way for almost 3 years, and I just started using cannabis and other psychedelics 1 year ago. Open minds please!

Thank you so much for reading.

- Izzy

P.S.S: I understand that it's all in my head. I'm a third year neuroscience student at UC. I understand the mechanisms of serotonin and norepinephrine etc etc etc. I'm just looking to identify with other people and hear the words coming from people who are suffering with these symptoms as well.

Syntaxerror:
Efexor does make you very nauseous (and you may well puke) but only for the first two weeks or so, after which the side-effects go away and you start to feel calmer (it's prescribed for GAD and depression). How long did you take it for?

I'd seriously recommend that you either go back to the doctor, or to another doctor. Those symptoms are not normal, which I'm sure you know, and not that I have anything against weed, and I can really understand why you use it, but I'm sure you also know that while it helps in the short-term, over the long term, you get paranoia, psychosis and stuff....

Growing up in a traumatising home, can also have lasting effects and it may be that the diagnosis you were given was not comprehensive enough - the only way to know is to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist who can listen enough to unravel the individual strands and address each one. Klonopin, weed and Xanax will help for symptoms, but won't address what is causing those symptoms. And, as you also know, neurochemistry is complex and not entirely mapped out yet, so the solution is not immediately obvious, you'll need to work with someone to tweak your brain and finetune it.

Please seek some medical/psychological help again, even if you feel disillusioned with them. I have had good ones, useless ones and utterly brilliant ones. Don't give up, for your own sake. It sounds dreadful to live with what you're going through and no-one deserves that kind of life...

Thanks so much for the response. I took Paxil for 4 months and Effexor for 2 months, and was dissatisfied with both. Coming off of Paxil was the worst, especially with the zaps and the irritability. I can't convince my mom to take me to a doctor, for she just thinks I want drugs and that I'm going to challenge the psychiatrist again. I hate it.

you're only 19... It's such a pity you feel like that! My mother too was once convinced that I wanted to see a psychiatrist only for meds, but she changed her mind when I end up in the ER (and I was about your age or maybe 20). Your symptoms are very severe and there is absolutely no doubt you need not only meds, but also therapy because, as I said, you are so so young and you deserve to have a normal life (or something as close to it as possible), you need to be helped and to have the chance to live...

I like your nickname very much! keep telling us what is going on

take care and hugs!

Thanks a lot, colourless butterfly! Just curious, how did you wind up in the ER? I know my symptoms are severe, but no one seems to really believe me because I've been complaining about them on and off for 2+ years! I hate living like this so much.

welll... I wanted to kill myself (not very proud of it) and then i got scared. it was more a panic attack than the overdose..i guess

(((((( to both of you))))

What?