I'm a 31 year old woman, and I think that I've been suffering from different levels of depression over the last 15 or 16 years.

I've gone to MD's, psychiatrists, psycologists... basically every doctor that I can find, and they all tell me that I'm not actually depressed because I am aware of what I'm feeling and am functioning normally. I keep telling them that I'm not fuctioning normally for many reasons.

Let's go back to the last few years of high school... I was a very good student all A's maybe 2 B's.. loved learning and going to class. Well... my mother and her life partner began having violent episodes at home, my mom had been abused many times during my life... I never was, but saw it happenning to my mother.

I began not wanting to get out of bed in the morning... I started skipping classes... just not wanting to do anything... my grades began to drop... I called in sick to work many times just to go home and go to bed.

I moved away after graduation, went to college... same thing... I hardly went to any classes, instead staying home in bed all day, being very non-productive. I went to work, but only because I knew I had to pay the rent and bills. I would go days where I would eat very little... I had very low self esteem, just didn't feel like I was worth any of the compliments I would receive about how intelligent I was, how accomplished I was at work... I still don't feel deserving of the praise I often receive.

This has continued over my whole life.

I had a great job.. making decent money.. surrounded by great people at work... yet I couldn't stand to get up in the morning, I would lie and come up with all kinds of excuses as to why I wasn't at work.
My absences became so great that I found myself stealing from friends just to get by.

I was caught and convicted of identity theft about 2 years ago. No monetary harm actually took place, but I know that I was very guilty of what I was charged with... and other instances that still aren't uncovered yet. I didn't even fight the charges... it was almost like I wanted to be caught because I thought I would get help... but no... simply probation, no offer of counseling of any kind, even though I asked for it.

However, it did result in my losing my job... I've ended up turning to the adult industry to support myself.

So now... I find that I'm not only suffering from depression... but I have great guilt over my crime... plus now my lifestyle.

Don't get me wrong.. I don't hate what I'm doing, the money is good, the hours are easy.. and it's not a horrible thing.. I even enjoy myself sometimes... but it certainly isn't where someone of my intelligence should be. I'm not bragging.. but I'm really not a stupid person.

I have begged and pleaded for a doctor to actually listen to me, to listen to my whole story and realize that I am severely depressed. They continuously tell me that it's not "real" depression because I am fully aware of all my emotions, and prioritize my life.

I don't know what else to do or say... I've thought about threatening suicide, but then I'd just feel guilty that I lied... I'm not suicidal... I'm a depressed insomniac.. in need of someone to talk to.. someone that can somehow help me... I don't know if that help should come in the form of meds, or merely counseling, but I know I need something... and obviously I can't convince anyone that I truly need help.

Where do I turn?

Hi and Welcome to DF Marie

I think its great that you acknowledge that there is something wrong and that you want to sort it out.
You are on the right path.
Depression can stem from all sorts of things and even through depression, we can still be aware of our thoughts and emotions.
Counseling may help you incredibly.
It sounds like, that all that you have been through in your life, you have very little self esteem. It could not have been easy growing up watching your Mom being abused.
Starting with counseling/therapy can start you off in the right direction and then see where it goes from there. It can be incredibly hard work and it takes time, but is a good start.

Trace

Welcome to DF, marie2008,
I functioned well and was able to feel emotions for years while being depressed. I felt something was wrong, but didn't seek treatment until my late 30's. Fortunately, I had docs who would listen to what I had to say and was referred to a psychologist for testing, evaluation, diagnosis and a treatment plan. After a severe psychotic break in 2001, I was sent for re-evaluation and testing again. The battery of tests can reveal a lot about your mental status. Mine had deteriorated greatly. Has any of the docs tested you? I don't understand why the professionals you saw would tell you you aren't depressed because you can function. Can you locate another psychologist and start therapy? Growing up in a dysfunctional family (seeing your mother being abused) is a good place to start with therapy. I grew up in a dysfunctional (alcoholic, emotional abuse) family, which caused "mental scarring" and severe problems in my adult life (PTSD). MH professionals are supposed to listen, take concern, give you feedback...not make snap decisions about your MH or judge you. Can you try therapy again?

My neice is in the "adult industry" and manages the dancers at a "gentlemen's club" in the City (San Francisco). She makes good money. She paid for her undergraduate college education without student loans. She will begin graduate studies soon.
Sheepwoman

(((Marie)))) just to let you know were all here for you


Torch xxx

Marie

Just to let you know - my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry to hear of your experiences - as I read your post, I felt myself crying at how unfairly you have been treated. I am glad you have found this site, hopefully you will begin to find some support here and then I hope and pray that you will also find the support you need in the outside world.

I am thinking of you and send you my very best wishes.

Anne