i feel almost physically unable to talk to anyone in real life about my feelings, and stumbled upon this forum through a google search. i feel like i need to talk to someone or else i'll just self implode. your opinions, or just your understanding, would really mean a lot to me.

i'm a 19 year old female college student currently studying pre-med. i have a lot of great friends, i get good grades, i have a bright future, a loving family, enough money, a great job... and i am thankful for it. on the surface my life seems great, yet for some reason i am miserable, and i am starting to think there is something wrong with me.

i started drinking regularly at 15 and using hard drugs at 16. it was never very serious, i was only a weekend user, and the only thing i used regularly was ecstasy and speed. but i was willing to try anything and did some reckless things. after about a year i gave it up, but i continued to drink fairly heavily (3-4 times a week) and still do to this day. after quitting i had a horrible 6-8 months filled with a devastating episode of depression, severe paranoia, insomnia, and hypochondria. i went on anti-anxiety medication for awhile, stopped taking them, and was perfectly fine for nearly 2 years. i blamed this on the drug use, which undoubtedly disrupted my brain chemistry.

in the past 2 or 3 months i have felt something like the darkness i felt 2 years ago begin to creep back into my life. but this time, something is different. it started with an inability to sleep. i would have difficulty falling asleep and would wake at 6 or 7am every morning even if i had just fallen asleep 2 hours before. i felt restless... i started abusing my friend's prescription sleeping pills. after awhile that didn't work, so i combined them with any kind of OTC drowsy meds i could find, usually benadryl and gravol. i have not fallen asleep without the aid of some type of drug once in the past 2 months. after this, i started to notice a numbness. i've never been a particularly emotional person, but now i literally feel like i have no emotions. i'm not sad, i'm just... empty. i have been unable to cry for about 8 months. all of my emotions seem so shallow and meaningless. my life, which i once fancied to be a new adventure everyday, has grown tiring and tedious. the thought of having to sleep, wake up, work, sleep, wake up, work, for months and months makes me want to kill myself. my future career as a doctor no longer excites me... it just makes me feel tired. so much work. why bother? half the time i feel dazed and confused, half asleep, unable to concentrate... my mind is almost always in a fog of thought and i only barely interact with reality. sometimes i feel so depressed i feel like i can't even move, and i just sit perfectly still and stare into space. my thoughts become disjointed and seem to skip, and i'll sit and think the same sentence over and over again for 10 minutes. "i should go for a run today. i should go for a run today. today i should go for a run. i should try running today. today after work i should run." etc. over and over and over again, for no reason. then sometimes my thoughts just jumble together into a pile of nonsense that aren't even coherent thoughts anymore, just noise that fades off into blank silence. i do not infrequently think about suicide. i think about how terrible i feel, and how little those around me know about how i feel. i want to reach out and grab them in scream in their faces and tell them i feel like ****ing s***. i want to tell them that there is something i wrong. i fantasize about killing myself, or attempting suicide and failing, and about how people would react... i don't think i actually want to kill myself, i think its more a desperate attempt to finally tell people how i feel. i'm so emotionally crippled and unable to express my feelings that i feel the only way to get the message across is by hurting myself enough so that other people notice and finally realize i'm not okay. no one suspects. i keep my grades up, i show up to work and do my job well, i go out and socialize. i seem more functional than the average healthy person, but underneath i feel terrible and i feel like i can't take it much longer. i feel on the verge of cracking, like everyday i'm just barely keeping it together. and it makes me want to run away, drink until i black out, get some drugs again and get ****ed up. i don't know.

aside from this, i do not have other symptoms of depression. i don't have low self confidence, in fact, i typically have unusually high confidence in myself. sometimes i feel like i'm amazingly smart and cool and pretty and that i'm going to be smashingly successful and cure diseases and win the nobel prize and nonsense like that. when i'm around other people, i tend to be really outgoing, and sometimes i feel like talking nonstop, and i feel fantastically funny and charismatic and i just talk and talk and talk and laugh. and i just feel normal, and happy, like a normal, outgoing, happy girl. and i feel giddy, and excited, and i tend to drink a lot, socialize more, and drink to the point of blacking out. i don't act out of the norm, though, so i wouldn't categorize my behavior as manic... just elevated. it would appear perfectly normal if it weren't for the times when i feel low. i usually feel like this on weekends, and when i'm with my friends.

but despite my happy-go-lucky public demeanor, i feel this profound, crushing loneliness. i feel with absolute certainty that i will never be able to get sufficiently close to another human being. i feel alone and isolated, despite the fact i have many friends, and have enough opportunities for romantic involvement (which i tend to avoid). i was in a 2 year relationship awhile ago, and no matter how much time we spent together, i still felt alone. i walked away from that relationship one day feeling as though he knew just about as much about me as my quasi-acquaintances. he was heart broken and i felt nothing. i just feel so terribly alone, and i feel doomed to be alone throughout all my struggles, doomed to live alone, doomed to die alone... like i can never quite reach out and make that connection, that i will always hold something back and stash something away that no one will ever see or understand or experience, and that will always separate me from other people.

it feels nice to write this. i have typed out and deleted these words numerous times, in journals, in letters to my best friend, in other message boards. but now here, under the cloak of anonymity, i don't feel so exposed and vulnerable posting this. if you've read this all, thank you very much. i would really like it if you could share any insight. i know none of you are mental health professionals, but as for now i cannot go to my doctor. it'll take me awhile to muster up the courage and conviction to do that. in the meantime i would love to hear from anyone who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or depression. have you felt this way before? does it sounds like BD to you? is there hope for this to go away?

This post has been edited by foreignfish: Jun 4 2008, 10:09 PM

Hi foreignfish, and welcome to DF.

It definitely sounds like you've had a tough ride of it. As you said yourself, and I just need to be clear, we are not experts

The lack of emotion you feel is something I know I can relate to very well. For me it was always linked to depressive phases - I didn't suddenly 'feel' more when manic, but it just didn't worry me.

There are definitely some depressive tendencies in what you describe. I've never been a drug user, but I would guess that could have some severe impacts in and of itself.

You don't seem to have seen a doctor that much, and I really, really think you need to consider that. The problem with any sort of emotional disorder is that there can be so many different causes. You need to have physical problems such as thyroid, ms etc ruled out before you can really consider mental disorders.

From my personal experience, depression can cause alot of what you describe. You have this facade that you show the world, a fake 'happy' self that hides your true despair. It causes a huge amount of introspection, of self-analysis and worry.

Something else to be aware of is that depression itself can 'cycle' in a similar way to bipolar, where people feel normal sometimes, with severe bouts of depression happening recurringly.

Bipolar disorder really needs to have a "high" that simply isn't normal. My highs made me do silly things - shop, skip across roads, laugh at bus windows, etc. But they seemed perfectly normal and logical at the time (danger!).

There are two things I highly recommend:
1) See a doctor as soon as possible.
2) Keep a daily diary. Start this now, and when you are able to see a doctor, give it to them. It will help them alot, and means you don't have to remember everything. Simply having the goal of completing the diary (even just a line or two) every day can help itself.


All the best.
Hircon

Hi Foreignfish and Welcome to DF

Hircon has given you some great advise.
I second that we can not tell you if you have bipolar, only a psychiatrist can tell you that. We are not professionals.
If you think you may have bipolar and consider going to a psychiatrist, it will help to print out this topic and to start a journal and monitor your mood swings in it.
Self medication is not always the route, as this creates it's own set of problems. Have a look in the substance abuse forum here at DF.
Well done for writing this all down, it must have taken courage.

Trace

Great advice from all.
Hircon, I liked this explanation: "Bipolar disorder really needs to have a "high" that simply isn't normal. My highs made me do silly things - shop, skip across roads, laugh at bus windows, etc. But they seemed perfectly normal and logical at the time (danger!)."

That was always my problem, I thought this was a normal state, then depression of course, which is so much more obvious..

But anyway, fish.
I've had addiction problems myself in the past. For me, I did it for a few reasons, escape, to feel better (or at least what I thought was better), and to numb my emotions. It took me so long to realize that a temporary fix doesn't help anything, it makes things far worse longterm. Even after I gave everything up, which was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, I felt a lot worse for years before I finally sought treatment. But this was after 20yrs of abusing lots of stuff.
I'm far too old to really know what ecstacy is, but from listening to younger people I got a pretty good idea what it does. Anything thats makes you happier than normal and using it for an extended amount of time, is going to have consequences. I don't know if comming down is simalar to cocaine, but the lows after are devisating. Even when I felt what was probably a normal state, it seemed boring and depressing. I used coke to lift me, booze to bring me down, and pot to keep me stable in between. It doesn't work!

At your age, you have a really good chance to live your life right. Sounds like you have supportive parents and a good homelife. Your on the right path, although you've swayed a bit. Knowing what you know now at such a young age, in that you know it's not right to is awesome. I regret that it took me so long to figure that out..
I also think you express yourself quite well and a good Pdoc should be able to help you get to the bottom of this. Don't hold back and tell him the truth. Believe it or not, they've heard it all.
I love my Pdoc, he's only raised his brows a few times at what I say

thanks all of you, your responses meant a lot.

i feel pretty terrible today but reading this made me feel a bit better. from what you describe, i think i am mostly just depressed. i was confused because occasionally i feel good, its not a constant thing... i don't know. i will make an appointment with my doctor though. thank you.

I'm glad we could make you feel better, and I'm also very pleased you'll see your doctor.

It might be worth printing out your first post and giving it to him to read. I know it will be a huge step, as there are many personal details in there, but remember that they keep it all confidential and they need to know as much as possible to help you. You won't be judged on previous decisions, especially with depressive tendencies - it literally stuffs your head around.

Best of luck, and let us know how it goes.


Hircon

Congratulate yourself making the appointment with your doctor. It is a first (and hardest) step towards recovery. It's a good idea to print and take your post with you to the appointment. We often forget to relate all the details to the doc. Be open and honest about how you feel and answering any questions. It's the only means the doctor has to build a treatment plan for you. As for Bipolar, it takes time (long history of your MH experiences) before a pdoc can give you an accurate diagnosis. GP's do not have enough MH training to diagnose much other than depression.

Let us know how your appointment goes.
Sheepwoman