Where can I begin
I have a major problem ¦I know there are many people out there going through worser stuff than me yet im so depressed and sad ¦and have been feeling this way since I was small.
My problems are too much I am a self harmer and have been cutting for a long long time I am 17 and that™s a problem .
I like older men ¦and that™s a problem I have fallen in love with a 37 year old and he is over the net we have been talking for nearly over a year and we have become very close I love him so much and my love towards him is so strong yet he is married his relationship with his wife is not very well and he suffers too just like me ¦I long for him every minute of the day yet he works all day and burrys him self in work he tells me he talks to me more than he does with anyone ¦and he says he does œLove me? yet I feel I remind him of his past love affairs¦I hate to be so suspicious but I want him to tell me everything about his past love experiences I suffer everyday because he is married and the worst thing is hes far away from me I hate every moment of it ¦and the sad truth is that im unsure whether he loves me like I love him ¦
I love elder men in general ok not over 50 I just like men who are 30 to 45 approx ..but I am commited to him ¦I long for him to email me everyday but its just not possible ¦I hate to see him so down and low and ive already started to save up to meet him yet if I only believe in marriage and the problems is he is my first love ive never felt anything for guys who are my age or in their 20™s its always been the elder men the matured men not the younger ones ¦and I hate myself for loving them because its something I cannot control ¦what can I do ?
Im so confused yet pained im restricted from everything most of the time and I am fed up of being a prisoner in my own home I long to be loved everyday especially by him and only him but I want to grow out of this love before I do something to myself it hurts me day and night and really need his love and hugs only¦he is my love and I am to blame for loving him ¦ive been cutting a lot and it helps too what am I to do ?
Is love a sin ? why cant we be toghther ? how willl I meet him ? I know him soo well but I feel so vulnderable I just need him to protect me *cries*
Help *tears*

Anondead;
 Age is not the problem.  There is nothing wrong w/ being attracted to older people.  Problem is you are 17 and at that age, you might not know exactly what is right for you.  You are still searching to find yourself and figure out what is your place in this world.  What you might want or feel today might not be the same in a few years down the road.
 Second, being involved w/ someone who is married is filled w/ problems.  The person might be using or manipulating you.  Also, you don't know the other partner's side.  I guantee you it's not the same as his.  It takes 2 to make a marriage works.  I'm not just saying that for I have been happily married for 10 years.
 Finally, if a person is cheating on their spouse, what guarantee you have they will not cheat on you.  Think about it and be careful.   i hate to see anyone hurt.

Love is not a sin. Love is actually something most beautiful in life and makes the world go round. Remember fairy tales we were told when little? They're all true in the basic point.

But... (you sensed that one coming up, didn't you   :;):  ?) that happens only when we meet the right person, when we're ready to give our whole and that person is ready to give it back. Sometimes it does not come easy but it's worth waiting for.
I have no doubt you feel strongly for this gentleman. But please take into consideration he IS married. That is a big deal. From what you told us I persume you haven't met him in person yet. Meeting him could change how you feel about him. You feel strongly and some of strongest feelings are fascination, being in love etc...It has not everything to do with love per se.
What worries me however is your reaction to your feelings. I understand you hurt yourself? Please check alternatives to self-injury on this board. Feel free to scroll down the depression& relationship forums. Write what's on your mind. Let it out.

I wouldn't say being attracted to older man is the main problem. Some women experience that through their entire lifes. I would concentrate on my emotions and ways to deal with them. Give yourself a break. Make it about YOU. You sound like intelligent nice young lady who has her whole life ahead of her. Everything is yours outthere. Including love you hunger for.

You don't have to deal with all the burdains of your emotions on your own. Have you considered talking to someone in your family or maybe to a friend, I don't know, doc, therapyst?
Wishing you all the best. Keep posting. Hugs. :)

I stand by what Gonz and Leonarda have told you, Anondead.  What do you mean by being a prisoner in your own house?  Are you homebound?  Do you not go to school like other 17 year olds.

I would like to add a couple of things here:  "Love" on the internet is not like love IRL.  It is easy to disclose a lot of personal information to a person who is far away.  You cannot see how the 2 of you work together physically.  Sure, I am certain you have sent pictures or even had your cameras on to see each other move, but that is not the same as being in a person's presence and feeling how your energies work in the same room.  I have had lots of blind dates with men that seemed like JUST my type, but the moment we met IRL, it was clear that we had no chemistry.  So do not get too interested in ANYONE you have not encountered physically.  This forum is full of people who thought their one true love was just a click away, and when they finally met, they discovered that the stuff they really needed to know about each other had been hidden.  You are in love with what you THINK he is, and that is an illusion.  He probably loves the "concept" of you, but he cannot know the real you until he has spent time living in your presence.

In a year, you will be old enough legally to do as you please, dating grandfathers if you choose.  But please keep in mind:  Older men who go for younger women often have fetishes and very unvirtuous motives.  They prey upon the naivete' of the girl, dominate, and manipulate.  Did you know there are some gross fetish magazines for men who like teen girls who are "barely legal?"  The young lady usually believes that she is getting some kind of prize, winning the guy away from his wife with her better looks and nicer personality.  I can tell you as the wife of such a fetishist that relationships sour because BOTH people are making a mess of it, not just one "biotch" wife or one jerk husband.  The young lady usually thinks that if she can just rush in and be sweet and nice, the man will have a happy life.  Not true.  If he messed up one relationship and is not in therapy to find out how to behave differently, in 5 years or so into your marriage, he will be chatting online with another 17 year old and telling her what a creep you are!  That is how these men are, and no, I do not have to know him personally to swear by that.  Think about the circumstances in which you would want to be treating a 9 year old like an equal, doing thing socially, sharing intimate secrets, and making plans together.  What would your motivation be?  Would you be doing it when you lacked the ability to find friends your own age?  (Could it be that he cannot connect with other women his own age?)  Would it be because you had the need to feel superior to the other person, to be the leader all the time (could it be that he cannot give and take in a relationship of equals?  That he always needs to have the final word, to feel smarter and bigger?)  Would it be because you got stuck mentally at age 9 and actually think that it is "cool" to fit in with younger kids and know what kind of toys they play with because you are afraid to grow up?  (Could he still be mentally a teenager who ruined his marriage by expecting his wife to be the responsible for everything?   Teen fetishists often are like that.)  

I am sorry to be negative about your love.  But I think you have gotten caught up in your own need for "protection" that you are willing to believe your fantasy about him without knowing the patterns these things tend to follow.  No relationship can work if you are caught up so much in unmet personal needs that you are counting on another person to fulfill.  It is key that you work out the need for "protection" before you enter such a relationship (people who seek protection from a lover have a tendancy to choose violent partners.)  Please make a point of doing some reading from the self-help section on what it means to be needy in a relationship if you cannot meet with a therapist in real life.  You will be glad you did resolve your own issues first if this relationship does manifest later.

(((((Anondead)))))
I can actually relate to you... and I can almost bet a few things already... 1) you are very intelligent and/or creative 2) you most likely do not have a father figure in your life, and certainly not living in your home 3) you feel that you "don't fit in" with children your own age 4) you have had to mature much sooner than most girls your age... whether by taking care of a needy parent, or by taking care of siblings, or you've been abused in some way and had to "grow up fast"

Am I right?  What am I batting?

I AM you... When I was 17, I fell for a 28 year old man... I fell hard... the problem?  I didn't want to have sex.  The solution?  He left.  LOL!  He actually married a friend of mine who evidently WOULD have sex with him.  LOL!  They didn't last. (whod've thought?)  When I was 18, I fell for a 39 year old man... he chased me up one side and down the other until I was putty in his hands... It took him about 4 months to get me into bed.  I actually lost my virginity to this man at the age of 18... after all... I was "in love"  We saw each other for months... he "took me here...." and "took me there..." always telling me how to act, what to say... it didn't set well with me  But because I was "in love", I stayed with him, though I did leave to go off to college, meeting "boys" there... Boys who liked the same music as I did... boys who were quirky and funny, but immature, boys that were adorable, but just boys... but I remained true to him... saving myself for him... (how sickeningly sweet, eh?)

Soon, he decided that our living apart and being 21 years apart in age wasn't going to work out..., and that "for MY benefit" we should part... But WHY? I asked... is there someone else?  "Well.... as a matter of fact...."  

He HAD met someone else... someone his age... someone he could actually TALK to, carry on a conversation with, without having to teach how to use a salad fork! LOL!  Someone who knew who Perry Como was, and Lawrence Welk, and all the people that meant something to HIM... I was stuck on REO Speedwagen, Prince, yada yada yada...  We were decades (literally) apart.  

His reasoning?  "A hard man has no conscience".  LOL!  He actually told me that.  So that was MY initiation into the world of men.  This tender young, "virgin" pursued, ensnared, captured, conquered and released.  But you know what?  I learned something VERY valuable...

I would NEVER look to someone else for my self-worth again.... I would never "bend" to be someone I was not, ever again... and never again would such a chasm of age separate me and the one I love.  

Oh sure, I still LOVE an older man , but let's get real... What possible reason could a 40 year old man have to want a 17 year old babysitter?  Being a parent NOW, I can see that REAL men stick with women their own age, or close to it.  They don't have to salve their egos with "trophy babies"...

go out and live your life sweetheart...

Stop cutting your beautiful self, and find a REASON from within you to live, love, laugh, and learn!

That's the BEST advice I can give you.

wishing you love and laughter,
Cat

Hello wow I never expected so many responses normally im ignored on forums ¦thankyou ¦
Yes I know is that im 17 and that™s a huge problem and yes I don™t have a clue whats right for me because im already confused with everything ¦and yes u do have a point about when u say what I might feel today I might not feel in a few yrs down. I know it™s a problem falling in love with someone who is married I hate every moment of it yet im madly in love it makes me feel worse and causes more problems to me than I have already ¦and yes I even thought about the last point before but I hate this madness for him yet I bet he doesn™t he even care about me and when I confront him he states its all work and hes busy with his work because it keeps him sane and controls him to not cut ¦gosh I just feel all teary when I talk about this yet I really need to speak because ive been engulfing it inside of me and  I really think its time I were to discuss this with someone whether it being a forum “tears- im just so sick and tired of this life ¦

hello thanks for ur response it means a lot to me
yes ofcourse I remember fairy tales when I was little but if only they were all true I want to be a princess someday to someone but it never is im always well u have heard of cinderalla well I feel like that yet with having 3 sisters I have none to attack me instead this harsh world and family do ¦im sick to the point now where its coming im really fed up with life sometimes there I times where I imagine my own death ..sounds bizarre but really not just with this love crap but with other sadness in this life ¦I know im not the only one but ive seen a lot and im seeing more and im literally sick and tired of it all ¦yes he is married and yes it is a big deal and yes it kills me day and night and how can I put it it makes me feel sick till I want to cut n cry myself to sleep I feel awful as it is and knowing he is married kills me I feel so vulnerable because im always targeted people forget that I am human and I too have feelings too ¦u tell me make it about YOU how can I make it about myself when I have major problems with him basically nobody listens everyone thinks im moaning so I just shut up come from college lock myself in my room and never come out till im told to because family life is crap too ¦

I can never talk to anyone in my family they are part of my problems nobody basically understands they know I self harm and boy it was hell when they found out ¦
and I did counselling but left it it wasn™t helping I really hate this mess im in but don™t we all “tears-
:(

hey thanks for ur advice it means a lot I just need continous form of help and I don™t seem to get it from anywhere so I have a last option which is forums but the help im getting sounds pleasing because I know im being heard so thankyou everybody
when I say I am a prisoner in my own home basically im always questioned im restricted from everything and ive come to a point where I don™t want to converse with my family because all they do is tell me how bad I am blah
well I am in college. And that to im dropped picked called every hour of the day making sure I am in college or not run of somewhere ¦etc
sometimes I feel it is impossible for us to be toghther n now im coming to accept I will never meet anyone elder to me because that™s what I want someone elder to me to hold me in their arms there just not immature or rude ( I know not all but some) its just something about elder men that that I really like ¦but I haven™t sent him my picture I don™t feel safe as of yet ¦u know what kills me most is not seeing what he is doing etc like u have stated it certainly stabs me in the heart what do I know he maybe sleeping with another lady im in love with an imagination a picture in my mind hes a painting in my head something that wont be erased and I hate it I know its love I feel it ¦and I hate it because hes stuck in my head he gives me those tingly feelings he makes me feel loved but on the other hand he maybe some one else and that™s what kills me even more n more more ¦.
I feel all teary now it hurts so much everything in life hurts most of the time its unhappiness and happiness that is minor or little comes in flash and is ruined by something its just so awful for me I feel so low I feel so depressed I don™t know im so angered and pained and I don™t know how to put it more but im pretty low ¦

And what u said about elder men makes me sad because im sure not all men are the same it hurts so much ¦it hurts and maybe its true maybe if we do get married he could be speaking to another 17 year old n telling her what a creep I am it kills its hurting so much right now its killing me alive ¦it pains and im literally in tears ¦because its just not fair lifes not fair I hate this mess and I wish it wouldn™t be so nasty I wish how I wish love wasn™t nasty¦
I just have never been interested in people my age ever its been like this since ive become a teenager ive never felt an electric feeling for a male whose my age or in his 20™s ¦.
I don™t blame u for ur negativity about my love obviously u are more experienced than me in this love sadness yet I have much more to learn I know I need to be pinched to reality and if I don™t get pinched soon enough ill be making matters worse for myself im just not like other girls im like a boring dull Victorian girl that™s how It feels ¦im so sad its just so many problems holding me back ¦

hey katty thanks for replying I can so badly relate to u too
u know how its like im sure and u seem far more experienced because this is actually the first time ive felt anyone for anything ive never really dated anyone ¦and I really don™t believe in dates either it sounds crazy but I just believe in marriage u know ¦in response to ur (?™s ) I have a father ¦.but a father who is far tooo over protective ¦ I have never fit in with people my age ever ive been bullied and mocked about most of my bloody childhood life ¦.yes and the last number 4 thing is so true ¦
I am sorry to hear about ur love troubles because that is what im going through now n u know what its painful,nasty and killing me everyday ¦bringing me closer to options that arnt good. What ur male did was wrong he shouldn™t have abused ur love like that how did all this love start with this 28 yr old and 39 yr old begin ? if u don™t mind me asking ¦.when he use to treat u like that what did u say in return ?
your love was true cat it wasn™t ur fault u feel in love nor it Is mine its all their fault for coming into our lives “tears- it hurts like hell I wish I hadn™t met him ¦I wish I never had this bloody thing for elder men I just feel nothing for a young guy ¦it must have been awful of what that guy did to u about finding someone his age how did u respond to it >

but is it a sin to love someone elder than u or be loved in return  ? do relationships with teens and men actually work or are they all fantasy  ? tell me something that has worked tat there are such things as younger girls being with elder men because it kills not knowing these things are possible “tears-

-hugs- thanks

Anondead,

Let me weigh in as a 37-year-old male.

We are not interested in picking out wrist corsages to match your prom dress.

We are not interested in taking you out to have your braces off.

We think Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff are 'cute', but should be grounded for tarting themselves up the way they do.

We like Bree, not Britney.  Teri Hatcher, not Thora Birch.

We do not care who said what about whom at the slumber party.

In short, 37-year old men have moved on and don't really want to be seventeen again.  That was sooo twenty years ago!  But this guy you're 'seeing' is nuts.  'Nuff issues for a subscription.  Reeeally needs a therapist.  YOU DON'T NEED HIM, AND YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO'S GONNA HELP HIM.  Don't let him hurt you, Anondead.  Listen to us.

Dan

hi thanks for posting
idk im just so confused about this man part of me wants him so much but the other part tells me to let go and that kills me like hell

Hi hon,

everyone else has said much so well, i just want to add that if this man is immersing himself in work like you said, then most likely that is part of his marital issues and will not change with you. also, you said he cuts. at 37 years old, would you want to be with someone stable or someone that has the same issues you do? the same insecurities and pain as you? if you are both wrapped up in your pain you won't be there for each other. you will be centered on yourselves. that's not the way to start a relationship. it will not last unfortunately. it's good to have "friends" that have similar issues because you can understand each other, but not a lover.

I am sure that this emptiness inside of you may seem like it could be filled by this man. but this man is empty himself...how can he fill your needs?

You have received so much good feedback and support here already, wow. People have really shared alot with you. That should make you feel good  :)  I hope  :)  

He is bad news and I think you know that. That is why you are in so much agony. What will you have to think about, to obcess about if not him? Is there a group or organization at college you can join? An interest group? What do you like?

I really hope you try counselling again. I can understand you quitting if you didn't like your T, but try a different one, and keep trying different ones until you can find one to help you. A professional can make a world of difference.

Take care of yourself (((((hugs)))))