Hey.

I am 42 years old and suffered depression for as long as I can remember. I first was on meds 10 years ago after having my son. 18 months ago I was about to have a complete breakdown and went back on the meds, I was being treated for major depression. I recently went off them because they weren't working, I was feeling really down all the time.

The reason I went off them was that yes, they did help tremendously for the first year and I believe that was because my chemical imbalance was out of whack and it fixed it. I think the reason they stopped working is because it corrected the imbalance but that it is just my mind which believes I am worthless. No amount of medication is going to change that, so really what is the point in taking the meds. After a couple of rocky weeks (and I did reduce slowly) I am feeling okay.

I have had counselling on and off over the years but I can't get rid of that belief that I am useless. Logically I understand that I am not but emotionally I can't seem to get it. I have been through a lot over the years and it has made me a better and stronger person in some ways, but then I think well I've worked so hard to get where I am emotionally and yet I am still no happier. I still hate myself.

My mum and I had a very troubled relationship and I thought when she died that I wouldn't feel a lot of what I did when she was alive, but she has gone and the crap is all still there. She is still in my head telling me how bad I am.

I have no real friends or social life, it doesn't seem to happen, it's like I don't know what to do and the thought of it scares me so much.

Thanks for listening, I just wanted to be heard by people who really get it.

(((((((((Maggie)))))))))))

You have treated your depression in the past which is fantastic. I see you have been to counseling too.
Many people take both meds and see a therapist, as it really helps.
That feeling of worthlessness is depression and possibly something that your Mom instilled in you, so therapy can really help you to confront this and put it behind you. Sometimes it takes a while to find a therapist or counselor, that will "click" with you.
You seem very isolated, which can also bring on more feelings of worthlessness. We are glad that you are here, cause you are not worthless and you are not alone here.

Trace

Familial relationships are a major portion of our mental make up. Unfortunate experiences during childhood, teen and adult years need to be resolved before we can move forward. My mother was a constant negative drain on me. It was after her death that I was able to work with my therapist to correct the damage she caused me. I still have "flashbacks" but am able to cope with them and not be depressed. I have severe chronic depression associated with Bipolar. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (a lot of hard self-work) and meds are working for me.

Meds are not a cure-all or a quick fix for depression. They do help with the imbalances which enables us to function better. Meds do need to be monitored for effectiveness over time and adjusted as needed.

Have you considered meds/therapy again?
Sheepwoman

Thanks for your replies.

I am considering going back on the meds again. I have moved recently and intend on seeing a local doctor to discuss this.

I am not so sure about therapy again, but I know the chances of feeling better without it are slim. Each time I have gone to therapy I get hopeful that maybe there is a chance that I can overcome this, but then crash further into depression when it looks impossible. It is easier in some ways not to get my hopes up.

Sometimes I feel like I just need to accept that this is who I am and not fight it anymore.

I am tired of constantly overeating, seeking approval from my hubby and everyone. I tend to put on a front at work and I know they have seen all parts of me and accept me, but I still feel the need to "perform". I don't want to do this anymore.

On one level I know there is nothing wrong with me as a person, but that's not how I feel.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Maggie,

My doctor thinks of the medication as "training wheels" - a chance to work on changing the negative self-beliefs without the crushing weight of the depression behind it.

Working with him has certainly made a big difference for me.

Find yourself a good therapist: drugs and therapy can work hand-in-hand on this.