i havent been around for a while, i have been trying to deal with my problems by myself but it hasnt really helped! things seem to be even worse for me atm!

the past week i ahev been thinking a lot about my brother and sister and i feel so guilty about being alive! i keep on having panick attacks! and i had two today! one was with my friend...she has just been given medication for phycosis! so when i freaked out and started shaking and not breathing very well she thought it was the voice trying to kill me! so i felt even wose for freaking out!

i had to take her to her mental health team and pretend not be having trouble myself because as far as they know i am just a freind from school! it was so hard because i was having a really bad arugment in my head about dieing and i had to sit their and try and breath propperly! i felt so bad because i had made her react so badly! if only i could act normaly!!

anyway a few hours later her mum turend up and i was alowed to go home...i had to sit with her because she was scared i was gonna hurt! and i went home and on the way i had another panick attack! but this one was worse, my head was shouting at me! i had to fight myself not to step infront of cars and i couldnt feel my hands or jaw (they kind of went pins and needly) it hurt loads and i couldnt move my hands! i was scary! i am really sad at the moment but i feel like i cant talk to anyone about it! i cant talk to my friends because they have their own problems and whenever i do they just get upset im suck a b1tch!

i just want to lie down and sleep forever!

i seem to be having at least 1 panick attack a day and its scary and not nice! i am not in controll of myself! i hate it! i hate myself for maiking my friend go thru this! i feel so bad! this is why i should not be here! i just cause people so much pain! my bad side is winning! its winning and i dont know if i am sad about that? at least if it does win and i do kill myself i will not hurt people anymore! i will not feel like this! everything will be better!

Hello Butterfly!


Wow what a hard day. You did an amazing thing sitting with your friend while she was having a hard time. I suffer from very dramatic panic attacks like you have described as well. Most the time I just sit in my room and cry . I cry because even in the panic and in the anxiety I know I want to live. Even when my bad side tells me I am worthless and nothing but a burden I know its not true. You are not a burden. People love you and would be very sad without you. Please if you are suicidal and in immediate danger don't hesitate to call one of the hotlines. They can help, trust me I know! Please keep posting here and letting us know how you feel. You are never a burden. It is only threw communicating and talking with one another that we can truly begin to understand and heal ourselves. You are strong, and you will make it.



Not alone, Never alone!


IowaGuy

Please stop beating yourself up. You obviously care about your friend, would you let her talk about herself this way? I doubt it. Depression sucks and no two ways about it, but it's not your fault. I am going through a low time and I know how it feels to worry that you are just a burden to everyone else, but you are not. You are valuable and loved and this bad time will pass and there will be good times ahead. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

(((((((((((Butterfly)))))))))))))

((((Butterfly)))

Welcome back, good to see you again (ps I changed my name)

You are going through so much right now you need to look after YOU.

Could you tell your friend's Mum how you are feeling?

hiya girly
I cant tell my friends mum, sher has enough on her plate with her daughter! i mean she has just found out her daughter has phycosis! that must be horrible! And i am not really sure how much she knows about her daughter problems..i have a feeling i know more about it then her, cos we talk more!

and i cant stop beating myself up, i feel like its all my fault, i know deep down it isnt but i cant stop feeling like this! i am such a faliure and dont deserve to be alive! i was never ment to be born in the first place! i am doing such a bad job at life! its just horible

You do deserve to be alive butterfly, you are not a failure.

Have you spoken to the Samaritans at all?

No i havent spoken to them, they couldnt do anything anyway, its just a person on a phone they cant actualyt change anything! i wish they could! but from experience with the crisis line, it just shows they cant do anything! im all alone!

thanks for the advise tho!

You're not alone because we care about what happens and is happening to you. We don't have any control over anyone but ourselves and we can't make people mentally ill, so stop thinking this. We all just need to take care of ourselves and anxiety really sucks. It's tied into our thoughts and has lots to do with brain chemistry. I know I ignored mine and got a big dose of depression along with it. I don't recommend anyone leave anxiety untreated, especially if the crummy panic attacks come along with it. Most people don't understand how different this experience is and how helpless we feel when we're having one. I know these episodes eroded what little self confidence I had because I was afraid I'd have one in public, and it made me afraid to go places. Eventually, they came on so frequently, I knew that it was going to happen in a situation that would embarrass me, so I went back into treatment, and it was a battle.......

I'm tons better, now and my self confidence is higher that it's ever been. What a difference meds make. I am not stuck in that negative thought pattern that goes along with anxiety and panic and usually proceeds panic attacks and feeling panicky. I really hated that whole process of having something trigger those negative thoughts and that whole physical response thing take over and not being in control of my breathing, feeling like my legs and insides were shaking and feeling like I was loosing my mind. I think it was in the top 10 of the bad times in my life. My thought that it would go away has been a major lesson in life. Symptoms like this usually get worse in time, and mine sure did! Going into treatment was difficult. I'm not the kind of person who asks for help. I'm usually the person who will help other people! I think that might be the toughest piece for most of us. Asking for help. Like it's a major downfall or something bad..... Getting over that thought got me into treatment and I asked for help, listened to what my doc advised me to do, and followed through.

I hope that your symptoms go down and you find the strength to get some help for this, instead of worrying about your friend, first. I found out very quickly, that if I didn't take care of me, I couldn't help or be strong for anyone else. I never want to be in a position where people are making decisions for me. I know what I want and what I need and am taking care of myself, for once.

Love, Jackie

((JKM))