This will likely be kind of long and I may whine a bit, I am looking for general advice on the randomness of myself...

I am a nineteen year old guy who moved to the U.S. ten years ago.

Since I moved to the U.S I have had a feeling of being disconnected to those around me. I have blocked-out most of my first two years here, the main thing I remember is sitting in the nurses office one day trying to breath properly after being placed in a headlock by one of my classmates, when I try to remember anything it's just not there. I have been told by my parents that I was mistreated a lot by my schoolmates and I think I must have come off as arrogant or strange...

We did eventually move because the school did not help me. A year went by and I think it went okay, it's gone too though. Middle school came and I think I was in seventh grade when my math teacher commented on my ability to say "seven," which started my preteen school nickname of " seven eleven" har har. I joined the school orchestra and played violin then, it was the only time I felt happy really and I even talked to people, though not a whole lot... it's fuzzy too.

I got through that but did my best to destroy any trace of my original accent, though it slips through occasionally when I am interested or in a good mood. Most of the time nowadays though, I feel I must be offsetting to others, like I am too full of myself or I am being callous without meaning to; like a freak really and that I make them dislike me. I am down to one class at the moment, it is the sole enjoyable thing in my life at the moment, and though the other classmates talk to me I still feel that they are doing so out of necessity.

I have gained a lot of weight, enough to dislike myself when I am alone. Lately I have been telling myself that going to the gym would be worthwhile, and then I tell myself that there would be no point.

I have now come to realize that I have created for myself a pattern of failure. People tell me I'm smart but I don't see it, I think they say that because I like to read. I am so sick of these feelings of worthlessness.

Since starting community college, I have repeated my cycle, I sign for classes I would enjoy and desperately need, and half way through the semester I give up. It's been going on for two years, my gpa is shot; I have told my mother already but not my father, I am scared of seeing the disappointment in his eyes. I think he knows though...

I "play" the cello and I wish I could say that with some confidence. I want to succeed at this so very badly on most days, I want to be able to express my emotions through music as so many others can, I do not want to feel so off-kilter anymore. I have problems with failing, one mistake and I go off on myself, I truly feel worthless after I "practice" most days. "what the hell is wrong with me, why did I miss that, what the hell? that's such an easy passage." I turn into some kind of baby, I can not handle messing up. I loathe myself when I play, all I want is to create the sound and life I hear in my head.

It's always "I should be able to do this, why can't I get this right away? Why do I even bother?" I had a lesson with my teacher last weekend and half way through, I shut off, I mean completely numb, I am sure it made him uncomfortable and I will apologize to him this week. He says I am too impatient with myself, that I am improving but that I need to live in the now and not in the future, and he is right, but I am so scared that I will not be able to get into a music program at a university that I do not cut myself any slack. When he says that I am doing okay I always find something that sucks and berate myself into some disgusting wretch. He also has told me that I have talent and a lot of potential to do it, but for some messed up reason I do not believe him... he must hate me.


Both my brother and father are geniuses (no joke) and by comparison I feel inadequate, though I have not had an IQ test. My dad is awesome, we do not spend a lot of time together because he is out of the country a lot but I look up to him so much. My brother also plays the guitar and is a wonder to listen to.

High school was okay for two years. I got beaten up freshmen year and the guy pushed me over and I broke my arm. I was called "broken arm boy" for a while and I got to try codine which was fun. One of the guys who was there is now a friend of mine, he is a cool guy. I sat in the corridors reading (high school libraries are aimed at fourth graders by the way) and thinking during lunch and I could draw during class when I got bored, which was and still is often. Hell I drew a picture in ASL today.

Then my younger brother arrived on the scene and with him came the unlikely title of " (my brothers) brother" what the **** man? I would get so angry at anyone who called me that>< I am tensing up just thinking about it. ugh

I have a quick temper. I enjoy arguing with people, mostly my mother just because she becomes flustered quickly and is stubborn like myself. I think it may be that anger and frustration are the emotions I have become accustomed to and as such I try to provoke those reactions from people I know will tolerate my outbursts. I feel nice when I am angry. It's an evil nice though.

I keep asking myself if I have some manic disposition or if I am depressed. Then I start telling myself to stop feeling so sorry for my life and to get on with it. I have thought of death before, what it would be like to walk into traffic or let go of the steering wheel in a turn. It does not seem worth it, by throwing away my life i think it would be completely unfair on my parents, I was a very premature birth and almost did not make it home a few times and as an added bonus I've got mild spastic cerebral palsy from the birth. I do not have the right to do that to them I think, it would be insensitive to take their work away from them, their emotional investment is greater than mine. Then I wonder what happens if I do not do anything with my life? If I end up like my older half brother, sitting at home living on the dole and getting high each day just to function (My older half brother, not my younger.)

I feel disconnected most of the time. I have two friends who I see each week and they are great guys. Randomness: I really do not like being touched at all and yet people find great joy in doing so. My sense of touch is overly sensitive most of the time and when someone puts their hand on my shoulder or pokes me I jerk quite violently; it makes me so very uncomfortable. People used to touch me just to see what kind of reaction they could get from me, and of course it was quite a show. The friends now have gotten over the novelty of seeing me jump from actually jabbing me and now just do the fake "I was going to jab you motion" so I spaz-out. I should be used to it but I can not seem to control it unless I am relaxed, which is honestly rarely. They do not seem to care that it makes me uncomfortable.

I do not think it is normal to not be able to remember the last... honestly ten years of my life properly... actually I can not really remember most of my life. It's all mostly bad stuff... but not the actual events... wtf. I think I may have gotten messed up so often that I flipped the switch that lets my memory run out my ears, I know its there but its like I am in a dark room and there is no door. I can remember the teachers who were nice to me though, music mostly. They are all smiling.

I know this is random and longwinded but I would like you opinion if I am depressed or not. I plan on finding a therapist once my parents get back from Turkey in a week. I just want to get on to the good parts of my life, I want to be proud in what I do and in myself instead of feeling emptiness in everything.

Thanks

Hi and Welcome to DF Hey

It seems as if you have given yourself some high expectations and seems as if you are trying to live upto the picture you have created of your father and brother. You sound very talented, but seem to be very over critical of yourself, which could bring out anger and resentment. We are all human and we all make mistakes, absolutley no one is perfect and we learn from the mistakes we make, so how can you learn if you don't make mistakes? You are you, you are unique, live for you and not perceptions of what you think other people think you should be.
I find it fairly common for people not to remember events in their lives if they were traumatic, it's the minds way of locking it in, so we don't have to face it, but it will come out eventually. Do you dream, have nightmares?
Therapy is a great idea and can help you unlock all that is inside and confront it.

Trace

I dont know about advice, but I can tell you that I have somewhat the same issue, regarding memory loss. My childhood was rather disturbed, because of an abusive biological father and bullying in school. But oddly enough, I hardly remember anything that happened before I turned 13, and practically nothing from before I was nine. Some flashes of memories here and there, but the bad stuff, like the arguements between my parents (I know they argued very violently, but I cant remember it), or how I used to end up in fights with all the boys in school.. Its as you say, a black hole. The mind surpresses what we cant emotionally handle.

I think it is important to get help, and have someone proffesional help you go through the surpressed memories. I think that is the only thing that can help you through the problems you have now. I might be wrong though, but it does sound like you need someone qualified to talk to. I do know that some things, that we believe we can just get over, never disappears, and end up haunting us in different ways years afterwards. And after years, the connection between behaviour and issies in the past might be less visible, and more difficult to fix...

As I said, this is a familiar, but problematic area for me. I hope you get more advice!

(((Hey))) Have you ever been assessed for Aspergers (a form of Autism) this can make you aloof and "full of yourself or callous" as you put it, also your sensory issues with touch is typical of Autism, alot of People slip through the net and get to your age without ever being diagnosed.


I'm not saying you have it, but it's something to look into and see if it sounds like you, it might explain alot!

I hope this helps you


Torchxxx

Thanks for the responses. I have not been tested for anything. Where do I get that kind of testing? I also would not mind getting tested for ADHD as I (think I) express multiple symptoms of some form of that disorder. What happens in a therapist's meeting anyway? Do I just blurt out whatever rises to the surface or do they ask me questions, who initiates the conversation? I am dreading being asked "And why are you here today?" kind of question, it seems wrong. Also, I am wondering why I would put this amount of trust into someone I do not know over someone I do? Unless it is due to the fact that I do not trust anyone with in my social circles as it is and that having someone who is detached from my lifestyle would act well as a reality check or at least a place to leave my emotional baggage. Who decided that they have the ability to help someone overcome their self doubts? Since they are human, wouldn't they be flawed/broken too, and how does something flawed help another broken thing become whole? I guess a good example of that working would be cutting a diamond with diamond dust. I guess it's just a trust issue.

Oh and if I were to be introduced to medication, what should I expect from it? I do not expect to become magically better or more confident with myself right away, but it is a lovely thought. Does increased confidence translate into increased drive and energy? Should I expect myself to start to care about other people or am I stuck not understanding their reactions for the remainder of my life? Do I try and find a Psychologist first to help me determine if I need a Psychiatrist or Psychotherapist or both?

Again, sorry that this is scatterbrained and dull, but I do appreciate your input.

Hey (Ho-hum)

[/quote]

Thanks for the responses. I have not been tested for anything. Where do I get that kind of testing? I also would not mind getting tested for ADHD as I (think I) express multiple symptoms of some form of that disorder. What happens in a therapist's meeting anyway? Do I just blurt out whatever rises to the surface or do they ask me questions, who initiates the conversation? I am dreading being asked "And why are you here today?" kind of question, it seems wrong. Also, I am wondering why I would put this amount of trust into someone I do not know over someone I do? Unless it is due to the fact that I do not trust anyone with in my social circles as it is and that having someone who is detached from my lifestyle would act well as a reality check or at least a place to leave my emotional baggage. Who decided that they have the ability to help someone overcome their self doubts? Since they are human, wouldn't they be flawed/broken too, and how does something flawed help another broken thing become whole? I guess a good example of that working would be cutting a diamond with diamond dust. I guess it's just a trust issue.

Oh and if I were to be introduced to medication, what should I expect from it? I do not expect to become magically better or more confident with myself right away, but it is a lovely thought. Does increased confidence translate into increased drive and energy? Should I expect myself to start to care about other people or am I stuck not understanding their reactions for the remainder of my life? Do I try and find a Psychologist first to help me determine if I need a Psychiatrist or Psychotherapist or both?

Again, sorry that this is scatterbrained and dull, but I do appreciate your input.

Hey (Ho-hum)
[/quote]

Your GP can refer you to an adult diagnosis unit, if your in USA or wherever i'm sure they will have similar there.
"Should I expect myself to start to care about other people or am I stuck not understanding their reactions for the remainder of my life?" This is a typical Autistic trait i'm afraid and if you have Autism this will never go away, Therapies can help but it's not the same as therapies for Depression/anxiety, and it's more about helping you understand what you have and other People accepting you the way you are and helping you cope with your condition, it helps if people know your not just being rude/abrupt/thoughtless it's part of that condition, they can also help you to recognise other people feelings but with autism that is very hard, Autism translated means Self, only care about their own needs and see other people as objects to meet those needs, but theres varying degrees of autism and aspergers is a high functioning form.
Do you need routine? it can help with ADHD and Autism if you keep to routines.

Hope this helps

Torch xxx

Continue to pursue your passion for music. I also have a huge passion for music (I think that its the only thing I'm passionate about actually) And the cello is a beautiful instrument, don't be afraid to play it!! It's more unique than guitars are anyways.

I try, but when I start to play with anyone even remotely close to me I do not get what I want. I always feel that they must not want to hear me play or that I am wasting their time, there is always someone in my head telling me to shut up, that I am wasting my time and might as well go walk into traffic. It is always my voice and I always hear and feel it to be a better version of my self. It's so hateful! I hate myself when I play. It's gotten to the point that I can not play a whole passage with out bashing myself and feeling such intense self loathing. I feel that my teacher must be getting sick of it, he is the nicest guy and never belittles or becomes condescending but he must hate me by now. I am in fear of using the bow in case I do something wrong, so I go into auto-pilot mode and it sounds superficial and the pit deepens. I had a lesson last night, I had practiced alone all week and thought I was ready to show him some musical improvement, but as I started the voice started to sing along and by the end of the lesson I felt metaphysically sunken and that I had indeed just wasted his time yet again.

How can I get rid of this voice or at least change him so that I do not have such low self-esteem and do not feel numb and disgusted with myself with EVERYTHING I do? I want to become a cellist so badly but each time I try the voice knocks my legs out from under me and I am left a broken and ****** mess. I'm so revolting! Why do I let it get to me? Where did my happiness go? Why does it feel wrong to be happy and fear the chance of success? **** I'm finding a therapist on Monday, I've had enough of this s***!

Please forgive my whining...

ho-hum

Hey

The therapist will help you with this and I am glad that you are going to find one. As I said earlier, you seem to be very self critical and hard on yourself. Seems this voice is just this side of you and it takes over. Let us know how it goes.

Trace

I take it you've never been to a therapist? well it's a great thing and i believe everyone should go to a therapist at least a few times thoughout their lives. Remember that if you don't like the particular therapist you are assigned to you can always choose to change them. Good luck hey.

Welcome Hey,

So where u from originally?

Sounds a bit like a more severe version of my younger days to be honest.... I know it sounds hard now but as time goes on I'm sure you'll find your place. I know I did. After I left school and went away to college I sort of 'blossomed' into some sort of normal person - I'm sure this will happen to you too.

You sound like a decent fella btw. Dont worry as you get older and deal with more mature people they'll appreciate you for what you are.

About the IQ thing. I bet if you took the test you'd do great at it. Just a guess....