It's now 5 am and of coarse I can't sleep. I'm 20 years old, I have a pretty good job, an amazing boyfriend, a small but nice group of friends, and an ok family. I've also been suffering from depression for the past 3 or 4 months. I am a miserable person! I first I would cry myself to sleep all the time, I would have to take nitequil to knock myself out. I literally had dreams about it that woke me up in the middle of the night. I've been described as the "sweetest person" and I'm literally yelling at people. I got sent home from work because i flipped out on my boss. I've never yelled at anyone , other then family, in my life. I had no desire to do anything, I thought about dropping out of school, quitting my job, and I didn't even want to sleep at night. I didn't look forward to sleeping at all. I didn't know what I wanted to do, all I did was sit on the couch and do nothing. I eventually had to drop all but one of my classes. I have OCD but I can control that for the most part which I'm happy about. I started having severe panic attacks as well. I had one on and off for about 5 hours one time. I was literally falling asleep at a rock concert because of it.

I went to the doctors and he put me on sertraline ( a generic version of zoloft) and at first I felt better. I've been on it for almost 2 months and my life has been an emotional roller coaster. I'll be happy one minute and sad the next. Sometimes during the day I'll get upset or angry or stupid things and 5 minutes later I'm happy. I'll go 2 weeks with out having a single problem and then out of the blue I'm down again. This is where I need help.

My boyfriend is one of the few people that support me 100% and I love him to death. My own mother doesn't support me, she tells me I can control it. Hes bipolar and has been through depression before so he understands. In the beginning of our relationship we agreed that we wanted a stress and drama free relationship. We were fine up until I started having problems. I'm afraid to talk to him and tell him how i feel because I don't want to upset him. Whenever I do say something he usually gets upset and I often feel like the bad guy. I'm so scared to tell him how I feel but sometimes i just get so angry. Tonight I told him that it upset me when he doesn't to my myspace comments and messages and that we don't spend that much time together. I feel that things have changed and i asked him about and his was response was something along the lines of sometimes I'm not sure if we want the same things in this relationship. Then he brought up the agreed drama and stress free relationship ,that we agreed on, again. He says hes constantly worrying if whether or not what hes doing is going to make me upset. He said hes getting tired of it. I can understand where hes coming from and I told him that. He told me to stop saying sorry and do everything I can to get myself better.
I'm trying everything I can not to lose him. If I do I know I'll be a wreck. I would never be able to forgive myself if I lost him due to what i'm going through. I'm afraid of what Ill do if this happens. :(

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Amber i know it can be very confusing for your at the moment and as i am not good at relationship issues myself at the moment i really am not the best person to give you any clues all i can say is hang in their. If your boyfriend has bipolar issues himself he is proberbly just trying to protect himself from joining you on your roller coaster ride at the moment keep talking and allow him a bit of space he will be their went it comes to the crunch try to find some one else you can lean on for awhile,even go back to your doc so he can adjust your meds if needed thats what they are there for after all .
Enjoy your day.

Amber

I am glad that you have sought help for yourself and that your boyfriend understands.
That is a wonderful thing to have.

If he has bipolar and understands your depression, there is no need to apologize for your depression, a he already understands. If you need a place to let out your emotions, why don't you try writing a journal? That can help. Communicate your emotions with your boyfriend, then he will know where you are at.

Trace

Thank you so much for your reply. Your right I'll try doing that.

Thanks so much for your response I really appreciate it. I've already given him space but I guess I can find someone else to lean on for awhile. Even though nobody seems to believe anythings wrong with me or wants to listen.
Thanks again I hope you are well.