I'm 62 years old and am trying to stay positive rather than suicidal with life's terms.

I've been major depressed all my life and have other mental illnesses. I use paxil for depression (it seems to work best).

I dealt with depression with alcohol for 30 years, got sober 11 years ago and now just use prescribed meds.

last year lost a job I had for 20 years and switched careers. I've had 5 jobs since (lost to business slowing and companies closing) Was homeless for 6 months moving my mobile home from a park closing as a result from a hurricane. Fell in love and was taken from her for $7,000. Had to go bankrupt from a lot of debt. My truck blew up, but I patched it up for now. My current job has been slow the last month and It's been hard making pay and have to take off work due to slow business again! Was supposed to get social security but have to wait 2 months even though I'm signed up. I'm broke and can't pay my basic bills.
I can't hardly afford to drive to work from gas prices.

NOW, I woke up this morning to find termites flying in my mobile home. WHAT NOW? I just don't have the skills to cope with everything and at my age I just want to end it .

Depression is bad enough by itself! My low self esteem and worthlessness feelings are overwhelming. Add life's problems and I don't think staying alive is worth the trouble.

I try to stay grateful for what I have, but life just comes at me with it's downs.
Just as I think it can't get any worse, it does.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but what can I do?
I know it can get worse, but can't find a reason to endure it.

I'm sorry to hear of all the trials and turmoil in your life, (((((JW))))). Sometimes it feels like life is conspiring against us, and it just doesn't seem fair or even humane. But it sounds to me like you're a very strong person, and you've had plenty of successes in your life, too. Congratulations on your sobriety of over 11 years!

The economy is really making things tough for a lot of people lately. Just 2 more months and you'll at least have some help from social security. Please don't let these circumstances make you feel bad about yourself. That's just depression talking. It has a way of making us feel worthless and hopeless. I'm glad Paxil helps you. I'm on medication for lifelong major depression, too, and it has definitely helped.

Please hang on, (((((JW))))). This too shall pass. Please check in with us whenever you feel like talking. If you feel that you're going to attempt suicide, please call 911 for help. Take good care.

Thanks for the reply Suburgatory. I guess this is the only place where I can share and someone will understand the depression.

I feel alone with this so much sometimes.

Im sorry to hear you are having such a rough time of things lately.

I cant offer you much advice but i am sending wishes and positive thoughts that things will improve for you soon your way.

Hey, JW-

Good Morning from my side of town.

When I read your post it felt like I was looking in a mirror. I am going through much of the same kind of deafening depression based on a combination of biological and situational situations. I am sober since 1989 and have struggle with major depression since childhood. I went through a surprise divorce late last fall after 16 years of marriage - found out I had been completely taken to the cleaners financially - am in the process of having my home foreclosed and looking for a place to live, which feels impossible at the moment.

I also have gone through 2 additional career changes in the past 6 months in order to try and circumvent the foreclosure (didn't work) and even at work they have keep switching my desk and my manager every few weeks. Now I am at a good job, but there is no actual building yet and we are training at different "like" facilities in the region so I am commuting everywhere everyday. Nothing feels stable. Concrete. For a recovering alkie, this type of situation is dramatically difficult. I find that we are people who do better with set schedules, routines and our feet firmly planted in the ground and in reality. As a depressive, I think it's much the same.

So. You and I are under double whammies, I would say. At least for the moment. I don't have any answers. I just wanted to acknowledge you and your pain. I had to go looking at apartments again yesterday and I started out strong and full of faith and all it took was the first dark and dingy basement apartment to out me right back onto the edge. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and poor self-care for many months and have finally had my meds adjusted to a better formula. But meds are just meds - they aren't meant to keep us from feeling, just to level the playing field in out body chemistry. The feelings are still awful and bleak.

But I want you to know that I am still fighting - going to meetings, talking about my situation, reaching out here and other places where I am hoping to find more support from like-minded people, and just taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME. My praying has gotten deeper and much more profound. Not because I am a goodie-goodie, but because I am at the absolute limit of my rope and i am trying desperately not to die. I don;t want to die. I just want the pain to go away. And I think it will. Albeit, slowly. It's the little things that I can find that are positive right now. It's all I have. I cry a lot, but I am starting to have real smiles once in awhile, as well. Just one day. One phone call at a time. One minute at a time.

Please keep posting. Hang in. many hugs to you -

Foxfollower

i am in the same boat as you are.i am 53 between jobs,suffer from depression,my health is failing,behind on my bills trying to work but so weak and hurt all over.i just pray alot and take one day at a time.its nice to have a girl friend but all that emotion mixed with depression i think only makes it worse.a friend can be more conforting to me.i try to find folks like myself to share with.all i know there are others in the same boat as you so please keep coming back here to share with your friends at this home. best wishes and prayers to you -wht-

Wow, so many things going against you all and yet here you are reaching out for support and help and right there helping others. I think that you guys are amazing to face these things and to keep fighting it. Especially to be a recovering alcoholic. You deserve so much credit for your strength, but I bet you don't even see it. You ARE strong and good and worth it so keep up the fight. Day by day.

Kaygirl

have not heard from you JW are you ok? for some reason your story touched my old heart.its bad to be depressed and be young but even harder when you are old and lose your strength.please drop us a few line to let us know how you are-wht-

THANKS to everybody who has posted to this thread. I feel much better just reading them and love you all for helping me . Life can still be wonderful if I can stay out of the way of messing it up.
My life can still be on a not-so-financial success course, but I still need to do the (inside) job of (feeling) successful and worthy even with depression. Some days are better than others. If I take my meds and stay positive, I have a better chance to feel ok. If I can help someone, I have even a better chance to feel better. It seems that "things just seem to work out". with adversity.
Through all my job changes I'm now working as a motorcycle mechanic and painter, (I love motorcycles)...and even though this job, #6 since last year, I was just notified yesterday that due to (another) slow period, also #6 I can now only work 3 days a week. Well I guess I need the time off. I have a small overhead now that I'm bankrupt, but just get by with what I make there. SO, this month I hopefully start social security, and have an IRS return, So it seems to be working out?
I ride my motorcycle to work everyday (due to gas prices) and have been adding a lot of miles. So now I'll do fewer miles in 3 days.
I would like security, but can't seem to get all I want, So I live a day at a time like usual.

Maybe have more time to post here.

Good to hear from you! Trust God, clean house, help others!
Hugs - Foxfollower

good to see you back JW glad things are inproving some what for you.do not under stand why, but i have been very concerned about you.guess cause i am an old goat myself! -wht-

Wow I'm sorry for what you're going through. Although I'm still pretty young (22 years old), I've been going through alot lately...If you don't mind me sharing my story with you, so we can encourage eachother!

I was born in Canada and I got married just about 4 years ago to an American. Hubby's wonderful, I couldn't ask any better! But in order to live in the USA legally, I had to go through immigration to get my greencard. We have spent at least 4 thousand dollars so far and going through so much with the immigration, trying to do it the right way, I do have a green card but I need to get a new one now, because my first one only lasted for 2 years because they wanted to make sure I didn't only get married to an American just to be able to live in the USA. So right now I'm still waiting to get my new greencard that hopefully will last 10 years this time around. I got pregnant 4 months after we got married, that was awesome, but about 7 months into the pregnancy, I don't know if it was the hormones or whatever, but I had this huge meltdown, no sleep, no eat, anxiety to the point I was going to die. I had never been depressed or anxious ever in my life before, this was all so new to me, I didn't know how to handle it. Well I guess I just dealt with it and eventually gave birth to my precious son. He's my life! Well, hubby went through several jobs, where he would make tons of money for a few months, and then barely nothing for another few months. We lived in a roller coaster ride of money for about 2 more years. After my son's birth, I struggled with depression and anxiety for a whole year. I didn't want to go to the doctors because first I didn't want to look like a failure as a mother, a woman and a wife...I don't know why but there's this thing with us women...haha...And medication was very scary to me. I finally decided to go when my hubby and even my parents encouraged me to go. God bless my family, they are the best people in the world. THey may not exactly understand what I'm going through but at least they support me! Anyways. The doctors discovered I had hypothyroidism (when your thyroid gland is functionning too slow) and they said it was very common for women to suffer with depression and anxiety when they had issues with their thyroid gland. Anyways, they put me on medication to replace the thyroid gland hormones and they also put me on an antidepressant called Lexapro. Boy did that change me tremendously! I felt like WOAH, is that what it is to feel "normal" again? Needless to say, I was feeling so much better. Finances were doing better so we decided to move from our apartment and buy a house. We were young and stupid and bought a house for much more than it was worth. We stayed there for 2 years until we couldn't make the house payments anymore, then we tried to short sell the house, we had a great offer on it but the stupid bank never accepted it so we had to foreclose our house. Back to ZERO. I can't tell you how many things we lost, and we also had to move back into my mother in law's house because we couldn't afford much, due to the circumstances. That's pretty humbling when you have to go from your own house to your mother in law's house with a family...We also had quite a few debts so hubby had to find a second job and work pretty much 7 days a week, 12-14 hours a day. It's been going on for about 8 months now and we're still in the same situation. But I had been feeling pretty good mentally so I stopped the lexapro and got pregnant again, feeling pretty good until 5 months pregnant, then BAM, same thing again, I guess me and pregnancy hormones don't get along very good. It was even worse this time, I couldn't get the thoughts of wanting to die out of my head and I kept begging hubby to take me to the hospital before something horrible would happen. I felt so very selfish for feeling that way being pregnant and having another precious little baby on the way. We went to my doctor and he put me right back on the lexapro and lorazepam (for anxiety). It's been now 2 months and I'm barely getting out of this hell hole...I'm 32 weeks pregnant I can't can't wait for it to be over! So hubby is still working 2 hard jobs to make ends meet (tree trimmer during the day and waiter in the evenings), we're still living at his mom's, trying to pay all our bills AND our debts, and just last week hubby got in to a fender bender but his car is a little corolla so it doesn't look too good. And I guess it would cost over 1 thousand dollars to get it fixed. Of course we don't have that kind of money. My parents live 3000 miles away, I miss then so much and they miss us and their grandson sooo bad. And now there's another one coming in July, that they won't get to see very often. I hate to have them go through this. Hubby tried to get into the police academy, he passed all the physical and the written tests and stuff, but there was 20 military guys in front of him who gets more chances to start with and they were only taking 6 guys so of course they didn't take him...Now he's trying again on May 17th in a different city...We'll see. It feels like no matter how hard we try or how good things start to get, something comes around the corner to make us fall all over again. Well that's pretty much my story, but there was tons of details that I have not mentionned. I could go for hours! But I know I'm young, and I can make my way through. The Lord never gives us more than we can handle. You can PM me anytime you want, I would love to talk with you! Hang in there, you are NOT alone! Izzy

Oh my...I JUST got a phone call saying my mother in law got into a car accident and her car is totalled...I don't know how she's doing or anything...Just waiting for another phone call...Man...Yet another thing...Prayers needed!

This post has been edited by Izzy85: May 10 2008, 07:17 PM

Izzy =

Please keep us updated - our parayers are with you.

Foxfollower

My prayers with you Izzy. I can identify with so much of your story and also others here. I went for so many years mot knowing that I was depressed and full of anxiety. All I knew was I only felt ok when drinking. After 33 years that just Quit working. I lost 2 marriages a son and 2 homes. That's in the past now and I've learned how to live without alcohol. Now for the past 11 years it's how do I live with depression? Now after studying how it effects me, I'm trying to accept life's ups and downs. I don't want to just take more meds, and get all doped up.

I keep learning that only trusting my higher power will bring some serenity and my dose of meds will enable my chemical inbalanced brain to feel ok at times. When things happen, I also need to say "God doesn't give me anything that I can't handle" and Trust that! I need to stay positive or the depression will spiral me down to suicidal thoughts fast.

I've just been cut down to working 3 days a week, as work slowed (again). I've been just resting, but my mind's been restless, wanting to worry and panic! I try to look at it positive and say it's just a prelude to semi- retirement. I went to work yesterday afternoon to find the owner's wife had closed early to take her husband to the hospital. Another life's down! I'll just pray and if it don't work, I guess I'm not meant to work there either. Maybe job change #7 is coming up?

Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It's so much that I can identify with. Yes it can and does take you to the edge so fast. Yes the meds only make it possible for me to feel (ok) I just need to stay positive and grateful for a minute at a time!!!