I'm a 22 year old male, born in Detroit. My dad left when I was about 10, he suffers from severe depression and never wanted to admit it or reach out for help. I can remember being in 8th grade and remembering my first bouts with anxiety. Not know exactly what it was, but knowing that it was unusual. Now I sit here in tears, just wondering if it will ever get better. I seem to have these manic episodes. If im out drinking or something I can have a great time. But in the morning I wake up with an anxiety attack.
I cant keep a job.
I cant stay honest.
I cant be loyal.
Im very selfish.
I dont think about the long term effects of a decision.
I do things I know are wrong.
I do things hoping I dont get caught.
I cant remember the last time I woke up, excited to be alive and have a new day.
I have put on about 30 pounds in the passed 2 years since I dropped out of college. I have never, my whole life, no matter how much potential, been able to succeed in anything. Baseball, I was in all star in high school. I quit the team my junior year. Never tried in school, if I had...id be at Harvard right now. Never been confident. More of a cockiness I walk around with on my shoulder. I know things will help me out...Running, Push ups..working out period. How about going out and getting a job.I will get results, but I just dont do it. I HATE looking at myself in the mirror because I know the evilness that is behind my eyes. I sold my car last week, and instead of buying a new one and paying bills...I went and drown myself in alcohol, picked up women...tried to show off something that I know deep down I am not. I think I have suffered from Depression for about 5 to 6 years now. I have been to doctors, but usually just bulls*** my way through, to get xanax and usually they give me an anti-depressant that I dont take consistantly. I have had 3 jobs since ive lived in Nashville over 6 months. I got fired about a month ago from a killer bartending job I had just because I didnt care. I feel completely numb. I feel that I will be way better off DEAD. I think about how id do it, but then think about my friend who did it last November and what my other buddy must have been thinking when he found him, how his family felt, etc... My mom thinks that the reason I feel depressed is bbecause I dont do anything. I tell her I am capable, but even if I do...I dont see an end to any of these feelings in sight. I feel hopeless, like I will not make it in life. I have ruined all my relationships with my family...basically because I dont care...but deep down I do. I have hurt, and stolen from my family...I have ruined relationships with friends. The only ones I still have are the ones who think that I am bipolar. What am I supposed to do? I have no insurance and all I want to do is commit to a facility and get the help I need. I just dont respect myself..Basically I hate myself and who I am and have become.

Johnny

Hello Johnny,

You sound like you are pretty much at your wits end trying to figure things out. I am truly sorry you are feeling so bad. I think you already know what you need to do. You have been to the doctor, but you say you arent honest with them and just try to get Xanex and dont take the anti-depressants consistently. Why? You know you need professional help. Dont deny yourself of that. Remember also, that your thoughts right now are not true. They are distorted due to the depression. Our minds fool ourselves into believing negative things when we are depressed and they are not realistic thoughts. Please see a doctor. Perhaps a therapist at least to talk to him about all your feelings. Talking things out to a professional is very helpful. You may find out that there are things you need to come to terms with that you are trying to bury. He can help you with that. I notice that the second sentence you wrote was that your father left when you were 10 and that he had been depressed. That would be extremely hard for any child, esp a boy losing his father; all of which could have led to this depression.

If an anti-depressant is what you need, take it. It does not work taking it here and there. It takes 4-8 wks to get the full benefit of the medication and for some possible s/e's to go away.

You can be happy again. Please know this. I have been where you are, just like others on this forum. It was hard not believing all the thoughts I had. Only when I started anti-depressants did I see those thoughts were not true and totally distorted. Long-term stress can cause your brain functioning to get out of whack. It could be that you just need to get your chemicals in balance again.

I wish you all the best and hope you will go to the doctor. You only get one life. Do everything you can to make it a good one!!~!

Gentle Sun