Hi, this is my first time posting on this forum, i found it while searching for forums on depression, i wanted to see if reading other peoples problems would make me feel better about my own but so far it has not worked.

It's 3.02am and i cannot sleep, i have spent the past 2 hours crying and wondering where my life is going, what my purpose is and why im the way i am. I still do not have answers so i thought i would try and write my problems to see if it will help.

I grew up in a loveless family, i cannot remember a single day when my mom would tell me she loved me, i dont even remember a hug from her. My dad wasnt around much, he had a new life with someone else and only came to see myself and my siblings whenever he felt like it so all i had was my mother. The older i got the more rejected i felt by my family, my mom met another man and settled down with him. He hated me for some reason, i was not the oldest child, my mom had 5 children at that point and 1 (the eldest) had already left home to live with my aunt and my older brother was never at home either so i suppose i was classed as the oldest in the house, so of course i got the blame for everything my younger brother and sister did. Then one day my moms boyfriend started sexually abusing me, i wont go into anymore detail about it but it went on for about 2 years. He still hated me though, probably more than he ever did. Whenever my mom went out to work i had to leave the house too, my mom would leave before the sun came up on some mornings and no doubt i too had to leave not long after my mom left, i was never allowed back into the house until she arrived home, the only time i was allowed to stay in the house was when he needed his sexual pleasure then i was turfed out of the house again, no food or drinks. There were a fe occasions where he would beat me with his belt and on one occasion he beat me with one of those childrens plastic golf clubs. I was bruised all over my body and my mom did nothing about it, she stood by and let it happen, whats worse is that the police did nothing either, i was not allowed to make a complaint because i wasnt 16.

I finally plucked up the courage to run away from home, i ran to my dads but never told him what had happened, i figured that because i never told him "no" i must have deserved it and that it was my fault (truth is i still feel that way) I did tell my half brother about it though, he ended up telling his mom who told a social worker and i remember that same solcial worker taking me to my moms house and asked me if what i had told my half brother was true, she asked me in front of my mom, her boyfriend and a few visitors that my om had round. I was ashamed and ended up telling them it was a lie, nothing was ever said about it again. I was forced to move back into my moms house, not because they wanted me there but because they wanted the money. He never did touch me again though, he would get drunk and beg me to get into bed with him sometimes but he never did touch me again, he would also spy on me whenever i got changed. For the 2 years i stayed there i slept with a pair of scissors under my pillow just incase and i know i would have used them if he ever tried anything again.

Years went on and my life did not get any better. When i was 15 almost 16 i asked a friend of the family for a lift to a friends house, it was the middle of summer and we had a sudden freak thunder storm and i was soaked. This guy ended up raping me, he kept me in a house for 6 weeks and in total i was raped 36 times. I was found by the police the day after my 16th birthday, the guy claimed i was his girlfriend and only got 3 year probation for what he did, and because i didnt want to go to court and stand there telling the world in detail what he did to me. Some justice system.

I decided to go into a hostel after i was found by the police, everything was going ok for me until i found out i was pregnant with his baby, lucky for me i had a miscarriage so i didnt have to make the choice of whether to keep it or not.

More years passed, i got numb, started to care less about myself, i figured if no one else cared about me why should i care about me, im obviously not worth caring about. I then met a great guy, we had a wonderful year long relationship but we were too young for anything really serious so we split, then after a one night stand i fell pregnant with his baby and had a little girl who is now 12. Since then i have been married (officially divorced on 1st april this year) and had another 3 children. Some would think that having children would have made me happier, it did, sort of, but i dont know how to love them. Giving them a hug or a kiss feels abnormal, holding their hand makes me feel nervous, it doesnt feel right. I feel my children are growing up in the same loveless family that i grew up in and its not fair on them.

I really really hate myself, i hate who i am and what i am and dont know what to do about it, i dont know how to change. At the moment my life is a complete mess, not because of my past but because of my future and where it doesnt seem to be heading. I have nothing, no friends and no family, i have a boyfriend who thinks hes supportive but is far from it. Whenever i try to talk to him about my problems he changes the subject. He, like everyone else, doesnt care. He lives more than 50 miles away so i only see him on weekends. I am a single mom that bearly holds a conversation with anyone because no one visits or calls, i am invisible to everyone. I have joined a gym because i wanted to lose weight and i dont even fit in with any of the people there, i feel like a freak. I am concidering quitting the gym though becuase i am not losing any weight even after 4 months of hard work and because i come out of there feeling like i was the main attraction at a freak circus.

I dont know what to do, im lonely, depressed and full of so much hate toward myself. I am29 years old and i already feel like ive had enough with life. Life hates me just like everyone else does. I really dont see any point in my life, it has no purpose. The only reason i am still walking this panet is my children, it wouldnt be fair to leave them, their dad wouldnt take them if i was to die which means they would go to my mom and her boyfriend and i could never let him do to them what he did to me.

Anyway, i feel i have said enough, i dont feel any better about things though. I will just have to get on with life like i always do.

For those that stayed long enough to read this, thank you for your time.

I'm sorry that you're having such a rough night. I hope that getting things out in writing has been helpful. have you talked to your dr about how you are feeling, they might be able to suggest options like meds or refer you to a counselor or a group you could talk to about what you've come through and how that affects you now and work toward a different future for yourself and for your family. it sounds like you love your kids a lot and that they are a good reason to keep living and fighting. Sometimes it just takes one reason. Sometimes that's all I can think of. You aren't alone.
~doulos~

Hi ((((((((((((((((((Shrek)))))))))))))))))))

Welcome to the Depression Forums. This is a safe and supportive place and I hope it brings you some relief to share your story with us. I'm just so sorry that it is such a terrible story. My heart really goes out to you for all the pain you have been through.

((((((((((Shrek)))))))))))) You don't mention receiving any type of counselling or professional help so I'm guessing you haven't had any?? These experiences of sexual, physical and emotional abuse are way too much for anyone to handle on their own. It's great you have joined this forum and are reaching out for support here. But I really hope you will also seek support in real life. I know there are other members here who are survivors of rape and all types of abuse. I hope they will share with you how they found help. You should not go through this alone (((((((((Shrek))))))))

Please keep talking to us and I hope that we can provide you with some support and help you find a way to get treatment in real life.

Wishing you all the very best.

Love,

Joanna

Shrek,

I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for you that you were forced to endure all that you have. I really can't. And talk about no justice.... Unbelievably, I am at a loss for words. I want to tell you something that will really make a difference for you, but I don't know what they would be. So I'll just spill myself here.

As I was reading, and my heart was breaking for you, I was also thinking about the injustice of your childhood, your identity, your security, your place in this world, all being taken away from you. And they were. You weren't allowed a voice, and no one spoke for you. I can't even imagine what that can do to someone's mind, but I know it can't be good. These facts Shrek, are what made you feel the way you do today about yourself. As unfair as your childhood was, the way you view yourself is equally unfair. You don't deserve that. And you also don't deserve to be beat up again, at your own hands.

I would bet, that since your internal resources haven't ever been tapped or tested, that of course you can't figure out your place. Clearly you mastered the skill of survival, and that is a very signifcant trait about you. It means strength and determination. You have those 2 things whether you realize it or not. Those are good things. When you need to, remind yourself of your own accomplishment to survive your childhood, despite the injustices. Many people don't.

I raised 2 daughters and while none of the 3 of us ever had to even think about what your life was like, I did manage to recognize the importance of making sure my kids knew that I loved them. And you see that too. Hold on to that. You are not the mother to them that your mother was to you. Remember that. You may not be able to give them all the things you wish you could, but you can give them love, and you can give them security and that is worth the world. Certainly you can think about how nice it would have been for you to feel safe and protected and be able to depend on (a) parent to always take care of you. THe fact that you didn't have this is the ultimate heart breaker, but you can do this for your kids.

I know it is hard to express love when you never saw it, felt it or had it. I can imagine that. But try your best, even if it is only in little ways. There are so many things you can do that in and of themselves, may not seem significant, but added together, they are very significant. If you are able to write, take advantage of every opportunity to write it. In birthday cards, tell them how much you love them, even though it is hard for you to say. And you can even tell them point blank that if they feel you don't show it, it doesn't mean that you don't. You do, you just don't know how. (And how could you?) Put a note in their lunchbox, telling them you love them and to have a great day. Put notes all over the place where they will find them, when both of you least expect it, and it accomplishes tons. Take advantage of any opportunity that comes past you to make them feel special for whatever it may be. Pats on the head are good for them! Pat them every time you have a feeling of love for them. Tickle their cheeks. Draw hearts on paper together. Imagine if you literally could not speak, how would you convey this message? Let them know you will always be there for them, they can always talk to you as you WILL understand. When you really love someone, it shows whether you say it or not.

You can do this, you have those traits that make it possible. I'm no doctor, (no duhhh) but I think you need to try and emblaze on your brain, that who you feel you are, isn't your fault. You did not do those things to yourself. You were young and had no rights and no control. It wasn't your fault and it never will be, ever. Try to learn that as it is the truth. Try to fantasize who you think you could be, had you had a different upbringing. You can still be that person. You just have to find a way to let go of the child that endured and move on to the person you are now, which is a strong and determined woman, and who has yet to show the world, (even yourself) what your capabilities are. Give yourself a chance. Please do that. You may discover that you are the coolest person on the earth, you just have to find your voice and flex your muscles.

The tangible side of me can't NOT say that if you were able to find a good therapist for yourself, you might be amazed at how helpful they are. That is a very good thing for you to do.

Who you THINK you are, and what you THINK you are, are absolutely not true. The voice that is telling you this isn't yours. It's the sad and depressed voice of the little girl that was confused and didn't understand why..... You haven't been given the chance to figure that out yet. Give yourself a break and know that you DO have lots of wonderful things inside of you, you just have to set them free. And as you do, your world will begin to make more sense to you. And you won't feel so lost or so alone.

A conversation with you could go on for pages, but it would be better said and better heard if it came from a trained therapist. In the meanwhile, keep writing here. You have taken a 1st step for yourself, that is a good thing. There are a LOT of very good people here, and everyone understands pain and sadness. You will have friends here, just write to us again.

Best of luck to you -
Always Trying

This post has been edited by Always Trying: Apr 19 2008, 12:31 AM