i'm angry. i'm angry that my father has the right to drink all day long. i'm angry that he molested me. that he has no remorse and has never even acknowledged it. i'm angry because i'm screwed up for life because of him. i'm angry that my mom was on pills. i'm angry that she was so checked out she didn't do anything about it. i'm mad that i can't call her.. she up and left me. i'm angry with god.. he took my mom. i just want to be normal. and not habitually shower all the time. and not feel like cutting myself- which i haven't in a long time.. still want to tho. yes i'm throwing a pity party for myself and i'm sorry.. i'm not immune to feelings like everyone in my life thinks. i love my job, but basically i watch people die. can't do a darn thing about it. they come in. i love them. and then they die. i know i know somebody's got to do it, special person, blah blah blah... but you know that? my favorite lady just passed and i'm hurting. 45 with cancer. and she understood. and i loved her. and she's gone. and maybe that's the real reason i'm angry. what tipped it off. i hate cancer. funny- i'm trying to go to med school for oncology... i want to irradicate it. and it's killing people i love meanwhile. i wonder how god feels about it.. how could he allow this to happen.. millions of kids at st jude- that's where i want to work. all have cancer. 15% will die. too much- it's all too much... sorry guys, i had to get it out

(((((((bijou))))))),

You have every right to be angry, and I think it's great that you got it out. I used to let my rage build up, and then I'd go volcanic every so often and be very destructive. You have the right idea.

I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse and neglect. But I think it's wonderful that you've turned it around and done the opposite. You give love and peace to people who are suffering, and close to death. That's a beautiful thing. Please try to remember the miracle of what you're doing.

ty... usually i can keep it in perspective, but occasionally i just snap. thank you for hearing me w/o judging.. (hug)

((((bijou)))))

No-one here will ever judge you for your actions/words/feelings. You have every right to feel this way and dealing with it is a good sign, I also keep things in until I can't cope any more and then get so mad that I can't control it. I think it's self destructive in that respect and really does us no favours.

No-one should have to suffer the things you did whilst growing up but Burgy is right you have turned that around and you are a supportive and caring person fosucing on helping others in life.

I'm glad you haven't cut in a while, there is an SI forum on here, just PM a moderator for the password for it if you haven't already, although probably wouldn't help if you have strong urges, but it is good just to have some support at the hardest of times and we all understand how hard that can be. I hope you can work through this in time and we are all here for support

get your anger out , dont let it out front of people , you might hurt them, but dont let it affect you or anyone is a negative way

my mother-in-law was molested by her father as a child and it affected the rest of her life.
i'm not sure she ever got angry about it -- she turned all the blame inside and just hurt herself in so many ways.

she didn't really keep it a secret per se -- she didn't talk about it much, but the whole family knew about it and she would talk
about it if the subject came up.

but -- many people deny & hide it out of shame.

I am so glad to hear you say that you are MAD -- and even though you're feeling sorry for yourself right now, something we all do -- it doesn't sound like you're ashamed of what happened to you -- that you know that it wasn't your fault but something terrible that happened to you. That is all so very good.

I think you're a special person for working with the cancer patients -- so don't blah, blah, blah about it. Not many people could do what you're doing day in & day out -- I'm not sure I could. My favorite aunt -- more of a big sister/second mother since she was just 12 years older than me -- died of cancer when she was 50 -- and many other women in my family have had cancer or died from it -- I almost feel like I'm a time bomb where that's concerned. Maybe one day your work will affect my life??

Maybe all the pain that you've been through adds something special to what you're doing -- makes you even more of a comfort to those dying people??
Anyway -- you sound special to me -- I'm sorry you've been so hurt in the past and that you're still hurting. I hope you find the answer to your pain in addition to the answer to cancer.

((((((((((bijou))))))))))))

I want to thank you so much for being such a wonderful person. I'm so sorry you are hurting right now, but it's very good that you are expressing your pain. We are all here to listen and offer whatever support we can.

My Dad just died of cancer a few weeks ago. While he was in the hospital he was cared for by some of the most loving people I have ever come across in my entire life. People like you, who care for the terminally ill. I was and am SO moved and grateful that there are people like you in the world who make the last days of people like my Dad (and their family) so much easier. This was the first time I had ever come in contact with hospice carers and I am absolutely blown away by what extraordinary people you are. I just want to thank you SO MUCH for doing what you do. I can imagine just how much this job must take out of you. Please know you are a truly remarkable person to be able to do this. I can't thank you and people like you enough. The world is a MUCH better place for having people like you in it.

I am SO sorry you are in pain right now. I wish there was something I could do to help. Instead I just want to tell you what an amazing person you are and I'm sending you lots of love and hugs

Please take care.

Love,

Joanna

This post has been edited by Joanna: Mar 10 2008, 04:17 PM

Hey bijou,

I am so sorry, very much, for all the pain you had to go through. Your work sounds hard and fascinating in one breath. I think it is wonderful, all the love you give for those people in need. It is good for you as well; to share, to connect and to give. Sadly, the end is waiting in the corner, and I am sure the pain is not at all easy to carry on after worth. But the love you gave will not be forgotten, as you can see after reading Joanna's story. How magical.

I think it is great that you are releasing and letting things out in the open.
Keep doing so. We are here. Supporting.

Take good care of yourself,
Hugs, Keren.

thank youguys so much for listening to me... it is so great to have my feelings heard and to know they matter...

bijou --

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain right now. It sounds like ALL of your hurts are snowballing. That happens to me too. One low thought, leads to another, then another... I understand. And we're listening.

But please know that what you're doing with all your personal pain (turning it into something positive and constructive) counts for SO very much! Taking your world-weary experiences and turning them outward to comfort others is tremendous, bijou. I'd imagine you find something therapeutic about that or you wouldn't be passionate about pursuing oncology.

My brother's wife (like an older sister to me) lost her 6 year battle to breast cancer last June -- she was 42. And like Joanna, I lost my father just a few weeks ago to pancreatic cancer. He survived beyond his initial diagnosis 4 1/2 years -- he was a dead man walking (he was a statistical odd ball; pancreatic cancer, as you probably know, is one of the quickest killers. Upon diagnois, most die within 6 mos.) Both my sister 'n law and my father were able to take advantage of some of the newest, cutting edge treatments available -- made possible thru the latest research and technologies. It bought us more time with each of them -- time for which my family is eternally grateful!

What am I trying to say? Cancer has been a life-changing force in my family. As it is for soooo many others. People like us need people like you! Until the cure is found, the fight may seem futile. But afflicted folks and their families can't walk the road alone. My father was in hospice for 5 very long months. I was one of his primary caregivers. It was the most personally demanding things I've ever had to do. Intensely painful and rewarding at the same time. I was fortunate enough to be with him the moment he died. His passage was the most peaceful thing I've ever seen. Life changing! The oncology doctor and nurse on the hospice team, who attended to my father AND my family, were incredible people. They were vital in guiding us through the storm when we couldn't see beyond our own tears and fears. I could go on and on... But you get the gist. Don't lose heart, bijou. People like you bring light to darkness! Giving, in that sense, is an amazing way to channel your anger and hurt into good.

Hang in there. You're gifts and your passion are worth so much...

Best,
HopefulOne

This post has been edited by HopefulOne: Mar 10 2008, 08:24 PM

I'm so sorry for all your losses, Bijou. I'm here if you need some support. I'm also sending lots of hugs your way.