Here is the situation. I have suffered from depression before. Never as bad as this. Here is what happened to me in the last year. I am not sure if my situation is organic or situational or both.

1. Job has gotten stressful. They have raised our standards while leaving our unit understaffed. Only recently have they decided to hire, but that threw everyone under the bus for over four months to the point where we barely had time to breathe and were receiving twice as much work as normal. This was especially bad since it exacerbated performance issues since I had ADHD-My job is very stressful to begin with-I work as a claims rep for an insurance company. I am constantly arguing and dealing with negative situations..Hence my reason for wanting to go back to school. I am not trying to sound arrogant, but the job is beneath my level. I have been told that a number of times by people outside the company-I went on an interview twice and was told by two people that I was "too smart" for what I was doing. One lady who was an attorney recommended I go back to law school. The job is a bad fit-lots of routine tasks and not a lot of intellectual stimulation. I was on a performance warning for the first time ever which I don't think was fair considering the staffing issues were not my fault. Putting it this way-the job was bad before-the increased workload pushed me over the edge. I work in our Pittsburgh office. 6 people either quit or went out on leave in our Philly office. It's not just me..one girl I work with has been having panic attacks and might go out on leave. Our department has become the "hell hole" in the company and it is widely known..people in other units are aware of that and everyone that can escape is doing do... It used to be an ok job that was not fun but didn't drive you into the ground either. I have no motivation to escape right now. I can't even think about getting another job. I am so burned out it would coem through in the interviews.

2. I was supposed to be in grad school this past fall at an MBA program-something I have been wanting to do since I graduated from undergrad (never planned on working without a graduate degree for this long), but I had some family/personal situations to deal with which kept me from going back.My mom is bipolar and possibly borderline schizofrenic, and I had to try to get her back on track-pointless since she doesn't want to get help. She is a worry-she will probably lose the house. I am an only child and there is no one else to step in. My parents are divorced. My dad had prostate cancer which prevented me from going back two years ago. ***This past summer I had my own health condition. I developed a condition called allergic esophagitis where I could not eat for about 4 months. I became depressed because of that. They couldn't figure out what was wrong with me until it was too late-class already started-I had to withdraw from program since I was not emotionally well enough to start a rigorous program. I was literally having to puree my meals. I am going to be 30 in May and feel as if I am too old to change careers, and I feel as if I have wasted my potential. I am "gifted" and people have always expected me to succeed..I feel as if I am a bust and will never achieve what I want to achieve or could achieve.

Now I reapplied for this year and found out two weeks ago I am on a waiting list. I am not sure how I could go from an admission with a scholarship to a waiting list in a year. The school was aware of my situation and the fact I didn't go back because I was not well. They are telling me that they had an increase in applications for this fall..they said I had to be re-evaluated in terms of this years application pool which I don't think is fair considering my circumstances. I was good enough to get in last year..

I just feel as if my life is over. I have been on Lamictal for a few months. It has not helped me at all. I started Wellbutrin last week. Not noticed any differences. When I get down which is quite often, I don't have a mid-level of down anymore. I go from somewhat ok to suicidal ideation and wanting to curl up in a ball. There is no in between anymore. I don't talk to friends/family. My dad had to come knock on my door this past weekend since I was not returning my phone calls. My grandma keeps calling me. I can't return her calls. I don't have any joy in my life anymore. I have thought about drinking/drugs and getting a call girl to try to help me feel better. I wish I was joking around. I am a moral person and never thought about this stuff before (well at least the drugs and call girl-I have drank from time to time)

I have been off work a month. I am on short-term disability. I am not getting better. I want to get better and get out of this whole. . Medicine has not helped me so far. I am not sure how I can get better. My therapist sucks. She doesn't give me any advice... I have tried self-help books such as positive thinking. They have short term effects.. I take a ton of vitamins. I don't think I am bipolar despite the fact I am cycling sometimes. I get depressed because of situations..if everything is going well I don't get down. I am not sure how long it will take me to get better or if there is any easy way out. I have been considering checking myself in for intensive therapy in an inpatient setting to get this over with. I am not sure what else to do. I hate being this way. I have never been this down.

I have three main questions.
1. Do you think my situation is organic or situational?
2. How long did it take you to get "better" from your depression?
3. Any tips/suggestions to get myself better and out of this hole?


This post has been edited by pittguy578: Feb 28 2008, 12:31 AM

Hi Pittguy,

Well, your first question is best left to a MH care professional. But if you are on pMeds, I would assume that you have already address one. As far as your second question is concerned, the real question should be, 'how long did it take you to find the right medication?'. Because the is the trick. It took me around 11 years to find the exact right med although I did get some temporary relief from some other meds. But it took me about 36 hours to attain relief when we seemingly (only been on this med a year) the exact med for me. Then there was another year to fine tune it. But in reality, I have been more than fine the past year.

Your third question is very complicated and will take some time if my thought can be any help to you. First and foremost it getting on the right medication for you. This could take some time or you might get lucky soon. Perhaps a pDoc with an additional degree (PhD) in Psychpharmacology might get you there quickest. And from what you describe about what has been told to you and how you describe your current job. Add to that you even have seemed to think there may be an answer but availing yourself to intensive therapy. Quite frankly, I think that is a good idea too. It sounds to me that you need to get to the source of your troubles, both psychologically and situationally.

In short, get well, pursue your dreams and give yourself all the time you need to attain them. Societal woes are really short lived, things like finances, etc. can be resolved once you truly pursue what you love. Keep us posted in how you are doing, there are a lot a people here that probably care about your future, I know that I do.

Peace and Love.....wayne

not to diagnose but from the way it sounds your situation could be a bit of both. how long did it take me to get better? since i'm bipolar i got good days, bad days, and rock bottom days. to get yourself better? i would switch therapists if you can, if you don't have a good one, recovery is too hard. let your doc know that your meds aren't effecting you in a very positive way, let them know in detail how they make you feel. it can take some time to find out which ones are the right meds for you, trial and error. i know it's easier said than done but be patient. don't put your depression on a schedule, you might feel better sooner than you think or it could take longer... be careful not to set yourself up for a 'timed disappointment' should you not feel better as soon as you want to. i know it's hard and nobody wants to feel down all the time. just don't give up the more you work on your depression and yourself, the sooner you'll start improving.

(to your post)
1. it's not your fault that your company is doing cut backs in your department. try not to stress about it if you can help it. if you have a good manager, try to get them to add a note to your performance review in regards to the under staffing that is going on your place. you are protected by mental health laws, they can't just hand out written warnings. get familiar with your state laws in regards to mental health, that way you can be prepared should your job do that again. that's something i would do.

2. i'm sorry to hear about your mom and your dad, that is definitely not easy to deal with. do the best you can, it's very hard to see a loved one deny any sort of help. all you can do is keep trying. as far as your mba program, i'd be mad too. but if it's their policy then their is nothing you can do. research the school's policy to make sure that that is what happens to everyone who has a situation like you, if that's the case - i'm crossing my fingers for you to get in again this year! i hope you get back into school to finish and to get a job where you aren't under-appreciated.

Thanks for the reply. I think the STD disability people are going to need a second opinion. I am being treated by a nurse practioner.
I am scheduled to go back to work on Friday-that is not going to work.

I am not playing around anymore. I am going to University of Pittsburgh medical center tomorrow and seeing what they have to offer. I have 60 days to get myself better before my FMLA runs out and my STD runs out ( I do have LTD but no way will go on that)..

I may also run the suggestion by them that I may want to he hospitazlied on a short term basis for intensive therapy with a good therapist and some updated drugs. I think if I am having constant suicidal ideations that would be ground for a hospitalization.. I am tired of feeling like this. I need to take control.

It's good to hear that you are on your way to taking control over your depression! Let us know how the visit to the medical center went tomorrow (that is if you like!). Talk about how you feel and see if they think that a hospitalization would be best, sometimes in-patient programs work better than out-patient or vice versa depending on your situation!

It was actually the men and depression thread that sort of got me remotivated to beat this again. I felt like giving up.
I am tired of feeling powerless and wanting to die a couple of times a day...this is so unlike me. Everyone thinks I am witty, funny, and always happy (I usually am). This is totally out of character for me.

*I didn't even really know there was an in-patient option. I thought people have to really have "irrational" and suicidal to go into the hospital

Hi pittguy,

I am glad to hear you are being proactive about your treatment. Just remember, you are the most important member of your treatment team, without you, they would be sitting around twiddling their thumbs. lol Really though, be sure that you reveal everything, the more they have to work with the better. Your descriptions will guide their decisions and inpatient treatment will probably mean that you will get the best of the bunch. At least you have an opportunity to ask for specific help. See if there is a Psychopharmacologist available, they will be able to determine what might be best for you. Be sure to let them know all the medications you have been on in the past and be specific about your reactions to them. This will enable your pDoc to better understand exactly which NTs (neurotransmitters) might need a bit of support to get you moving in the right direction.

And I concur fully with 'adorabelle's' suggestion that you fully familiarize yourself with your state's MH laws. And you might take a look at the Federal Parity laws as well. If your employer knows that you fully understand your rights, they will be careful how they deal with your absence and subsequent diagnosis. You can't have too many tools in your tool box. It is best to nip any issues in the bud before you end up having to fight for your rights. To often, employers are not really aware of our rights when suffering from a MH issue and will act before they have realized just what they can and can't do regarding our employment status.

All the best and I want you to know that I fully support your decision to get intensive treatment now rather than wait until it is imperative. Keep us posted as best you can and we will be here for you when your return from your hospital stay. Good luck and bravo for making a full commitment to your recovery. Remember, half measures avail us nothing, keep focused on your recovery. Everything else will fall into place once you have your depression under control.

Peace and Love.....wayne