*WARNING* Sexual Content


I posted this in another forum but need help here too.

I will briefly state how my problem came to be, then my latest fear/worry.

While young, I had a content childhood, fancied girls, one female teacher. At 14 (1997), I first noticed a male's eyes. I was confused. I then began to notice that men could be attractive. I began to have unpleasant thoughts, dreams, and fears that I am somewhat homosexual or bisexual. The thoughts depress and taunt me. I have been suicidal for years. Im scared to have a girlfriend in case I leave her for a man. The thoughts are 24/7 and only calm when drunk (sometimes) or asleep.

Some of the thoughts:
- Am I a repressed bisexual/gay? Am I in denial? am I internal-homophobic? Am I sexual orientation ego-dystonic?
- What if I do something with a man before I realize what I'm doing?
- What if I gradually turn fully fledged gay and start to like my thoughts?
- What if I can't perform for a woman.
- What if I get a gf, then fancy her brother?
- Was I gay as a kid but didnt realize it? What if there was some sign but I didnt recognize it?
- Was it really MY childhood? How can there not be an indication.
- After a drunken night: "Did I announce Im gay, or did I do something gay?". I call up friends to ask what I did.

Some behaviour:
- I once had to walk behind a friend coz I was scared that I would lean into his face with mine.
- When in the passenger seat and the male driver reverses, puts his hand behind my headrest and leans near me, I lean nearer the window coz I am scared that something will happen.
- I try to avoid being near men, or looking them in the eye.
- When I see a man and woman, I wonder who is more attractive.
- When masturbating over women, an image of a man might pop into my head and I have to stop.
- I can't watch/hear about/see men and women doing anal sex, or even lesbians with dildos doing anal, as my mind says: "it would be similar for two men and now you know what it's like". I've ran out of rooms when a friend puts on straight porn as I dont have time to check if its vaginal. I once panicked over an obscene "cartoon" as my mind told me that anal was happening although you couldnt see the penetration.
- Googling "Am I gay?", and asking gay forum members if they hate being gay, etc.

I wondered if I was just afraid of coming out the closet, so in 2003, I told my friend that I might be bisexual. Initially, he was disgusted, but is now standing by me. I told my mum that I might be gay (I preferred not to say "bi", just incase it turned out I was fully gay), and she was horrified. She cusses me and stuff, but at least I know Im not afraid of coming out. I told another friend, an aunt, a cousin...I accept that I might be gay/bi, but why does it have to panic and depress me? Sometimes I wish I were actually gay/bi and happy, so I could just get on with life. Ive had no relationships with women (just 4 kisses), and nothing with a man.

I wouldn't be so sad if I felt gay/bi from early, but this has just interrupted my life. Recently, I have tried not to figure out my sexuality, and just accept that I have all kinds of thoughts including arousals around my cat and very close family members. It is very disturbing. Recently, I have learned that people can have obsessions over their sexuality where heteros fear being bi/gay, gays fear being bi/straight, bi's fear being straight/gay, etc. I am not in denial to the extent where I consider myself straight anymore. I felt it as a kid, but not now. However, I do spend all day obsession over my sexuality. I might be bi.

But, there is one issue that causes me panic, breathlessness, chest pains, and anxiety. It has me gagging for air. I hope the mods let me mention this. The issue of anal sex. I accept that some people like it. But my mind is telling me that all men are PREDISPOSED to being gay because of certain aspects of their anatomy.

Some caller on a radio show said that men have a place in their (place where digested food comes out) where they enjoy being touched. It immediately sent me into panic.

My mind can't stop obsessing over how God/DNA/Evolution/whoever, would actually make an AREA [of the male anatomy that most straight men don't use] where you would like something to rub against!! It's like we were made to be gay?? I sometimes wish I was GAY so I would be able to move on, but the thought of being gay - or confronting my ACTUAL GAYNESS - makes me want to die even more. I am so confused: how can their be an area of that place where men like being touched, yet I've read that anal sex can ruin that body part, resulting in having to wear nappies/diapers. It is so contradictory. I can understand people liking to do that, but not a specific PLACE where men would want to be touched, just as women have points in their REPRODUCTIVE organ where they do want to be touched. It would suggest men should do homosexual acts and that all men should be gay. That's what my mind tells me. I can accept that some people find the whole area pleasurable, funnily, but not one specific area of it, as if a thing was put there specifically to encourage gay activities.

I felt so bad that I saw my GP and am waiting for cognitive behavioural therapy to either deal with the thoughts, or confront my sexuality (whatever it is), but I cannot carry on like this. My mind craves reassurance that proves this isn't true or to find out why it's there. It seems like a twisted joke (not for gays though). It's like biology is contradictory, giving man a genital, but encouraging him to use the other place. I have 4 months left of a degree. I cant afford to break down like this now. I need facts that PROVE that men dont have specific areas (where digested food leaves the body) where they would want to be touched. So women have pleasurable areas (where a baby comes out) but men (where you wouldnt expect)? That means that we are POTENTIALLY GAY. Is this true? Why is there even heterosexuality if this is true? Are men supposed to be gay?

I need to know if Im gonna do something gay - even if its "BY MYSELF" - coz I need to stop it beforehand. HOWEVER DRASTIC. I have to burp in order to get the CARBON DIOXIDE out my chest coz my breathing has changed coz of the panic!! I dunno what to do. WHy do people insist on discussing anal TO EVERYONE. No one talks explicitly about vaginal sex or activities. I seem to always be there when anal is discussed.

Please, I need help and reassurance, possibly from a gay fears sufferer (HOCDer, gay fears OCD) or gay man. I cant take it. I need help. If the mods hide this too, maybe they dont want me to post at all. But I need to say what is wrong in order to to get the help. I cant just say "I feel bad". I need to tell you why,even if it is detailed. I have this obsession. I need to be open. My chest HURTS AND I NEED IT TO STOP. GOD!!!!

WHy is my life like this!! Why do I have to learn about (that place) against my will? (that place) info just comes to me regularly to mess me up. Maybe I was meant to be gay!! I cannot even finish this post coz then I will be waitin for help and the mods will step in and censor it. Im being left to DIE.

My mum came in my room yesterday, and saw me gasping and asked what was wrong. I said I had a stomach ache, but then couldnt hold it in and burst into tears and panic and gagging. I was hysterical and uncontrollable like Ive never been. I said I need my cousin to come down, he is a wise man, he hears peoples issues, a deep thinker, etc.

My cousin rushed down, and tried to help, but really told me that the issue is how I deal with this. I guess I wanted reassurance and facts to negate what I heard, not to be told basically "you need to deal with this and distract yourself". When I had a similar worry about anal, a gay man on a forum PM'd me and told me a bit about the matter and relieved one fearful aspect, but now another has come up. I crave info and facts that do not spike me (send my anxiety up), not tips on how to label my thoughts as per the OCD rulebook: facts or experiences can kill a worry I have. It's that simple.

I had my cousin, friend, mum, aunt all here watching me as a quivvering, trembling mess. But they dont understand what Im going through. I need actual help. My aunt did say (she works in the NHS) she would try to get me moved up the CBT waiting list, but I am desperate now. I dunno how to deal with this. Some will say I am in denial and biggoted. I am not homophobic at all (except when gay men make unnecessary anal joke references). In fact, I feel I know what gays feel, certainly, in their realization/confusion phase. I get on well with gay men on this forum such as suburgatory.

Please help me as I am suicidal, I cant eat, and am ruining my degree. I need the mods to allow this post to be visible so that I can get answers. However, please be delicate in your answers, only giving necessary info. I have HUGE anxiety about this, especially news I dont want to hear. PM me if you wish. I need reassurance (bad in the long run for OCD, I know), but it calms my anxiety.

This post has been edited by suburgatory: Feb 25 2008, 10:47 AM

what frightens you the most? Being gay or having to accept that you were born gay? A person doesn't suddenly 'become' or 'turn' gay, it's inherent: it's accepting the facts and arriving at the realisation that can be frightening. You are scared of being homosexual because .......... ?


We are what we are. Sometimes family conditioning can make us fear those that appear 'different': wether it be finanically, educationally, sexuality wise .........

Contact a gay hot-line! Speaking to someone who knows their sexual orientation can be hugely helpful. They should be familiar with thought patterns of those unsure of who they are. Good Luck!

i'm not sure how anyone can be of much help until you figure it out yourself?

there's nothing wrong with being straight, bi-, or gay -- the important thing is that you are comfortable with yourself & who you are -- that you can love yourself.

it sounds like you don't have a real sense of sexual identity at all, but i get the feeling that you're a straight man that just has extreme anxiety over not being straight.

as a straight woman, i see women all the time that i think are attractive -- it doesn't make me gay. i see women that are so stunning that i can't seem to take my eyes off of them, but i'm still not gay. it's more acceptible for women to feel that way about other women though, but i'm sure that men have to be able to see other men as being attractive even if they don't admit it.

as for the anatomy thing, i've heard that's true -- i think it's when you stimulate the prostate gland -- but i've also heard that can be stimulated externally as well -- won't go into details at all -- but even for women all of that stuff is so close together and easily stimulated from many areas. while i don't think that being gay or straight is a choice, i also don't think that anyone is physically designed to be either way.

please go see the therapist because i think what you're actually showing signs of is an extreme anxiety disorder -- after all, you don't even sound like you would be upset to be gay -- you just want to know one way or another but you're scared to do anything to actually find out.

*WARNING* Sexual Content

Hi MyTurn,

Gosh, I'm not sure where to start with this, but I feel the need to respond, because you said that facts or experiences calm your anxiety, and that you get along well with me. So here goes.

I think this goes way beyond the typical struggle gay or bisexual people have with their sexuality. It sounds to me like you have a severe case of anxiety/panic disorder/OCD, something along those lines, and if you weren't agonizing over your sexuality, it would be something else. I think your priority should be to get treatment for your disorder, not try to figure out the answers to specific issues like sexuality. When you get your disorder under control, many things that you've been so disturbed about may just settle and fall into place without so much inner conflict.

You seem to really need to know about the male anatomy, so I'll tell you what I know. Yes, anal sex can be very pleasurable for men. The "place" you're talking about is the prostate area, which is surrounded by lots of nerves, and responds favorably to "massage". A similar pleasure is experienced when a man ejaculates, and the prostate pumps semen out of the body. I think that another reason for the pleasure is the release of all the tension we carry in that area. There's a reason we call uptight people "anal retentive"! As far as damaging the area and needing to wear diapers, that's nonsense. I suppose if someone does something very extreme they could damage themselves, but the area will recover just fine after typical anal intercourse.

I don't think that this quality of the male anatomy means that all men should be gay. The prostate happens to be where it is, and that happens to be fortunate for men who enjoy the sensation. Not all gay men do. I know of straight men who enjoy it when their female partner stimulates the area, and I also know of women who enjoy that kind of penetration. So people of both genders and any sexual orientation can enjoy it, and gay men can take it or leave it. It's not the definition of homosexuality.

I hope that helps, and I really think it's a good idea to get into therapy as soon as possible. Please keep posting, if it helps.

This post has been edited by suburgatory: Feb 25 2008, 11:06 AM

Hey MyTurn. So your unsure of your sexuality and those close to you have not initially shown supportive views, but have come to understand and support you, but perhaps you and they are still unsure of what being "gay" really means. Perhaps, just guessing, that this is why you dislike/find distasteful the idea of anal sex. Maybe, also, you are worried that more of your peers will deliver initial negative responses and that this could lead to a social situation where you might show that your not totally sure about sexuality.

It can be difficult for most people to come to terms with their sexuality, and to be different from your friends. Your feelings may not be the same as your friends; whether you call yourself gay, bi or straight, your own sexuality is unique and important. No two people will have the same kind of sexuality, even if they both call themselves straight, bi or gay. I don't have all the answers, but I hope what I can provide here will help you to think about your sexuality. So what does it really mean to be gay? All it means is that you are attracted to your own sex, where being bisexual means being attracted to both sexes. A lot of bisexuals will prefer one sex over the other. Our sexual orientation is only one part of our sexuality. The act of sex, whether it be vaginal sex or anal sex is another aspect, the physical aspect. Two men can still enjoy each other's company without having to have anal sex, and indeed I know of gay couples who do not like anal sex, and so do not have it as a part of their sexualities. I have many straight male friends who have also tried anal stimulation with their girl friends. I don't think having a sensitive anal area means that men are made straight or gay.

No one knows why anyone is gay. Some wrongly say that it is a choice, but as you are discovering, this is terribly inaccurate. No one chooses to be gay or bisexual. The sexual urges you are feeling, to either sex, are very natural and something to be proud of. A lot of the bad reactions other people give are usually down to their ignorance - they think being gay is a choice. This is completely untrue, gay people are gay because it is part of their very nature - they are attracted to the same sex. Around 1 in 10 people are gay, lesbian or bisexual, so you are certainly not alone! Homosexuality has been observed in all species of animal, including fruit flies, and has been part of varied human sexuality since as long as records exist. The prejudice gay people have received, especially in the past, means that people are cautious before telling someone that they are gay, so sometimes it can seem like you might be alone, but this is absolutely not true. Many people assume that everyone is straight, an assumption known as heterosexism. As society becomes more knowledgeable about sexuality, this assumption is being broken down and gay people are receiving less and less unfair prejudice.

If, after exploring your feelings, you believe that you might be bisexual or gay, you may want to tell people. This is known as "coming out" can be very hard, especially if you come from a conservative background. You are the only person who can make this decision and this can be pretty scary. If you do want to come out, ask yourself a few questions: Why do I want to come out? It's important to think why you are coming out, so that you can make this reason clear to the person you come out to. Who should I tell? It is best to tell someone who will react well and support you when you come to tell people who you know won't react well. How might people react? It is a good idea to think of possible responses and how you might deal with them. Often people never react in the way you expect, although it can be very reassuring when they do. How you tell them is up to you, but a calm and relaxed environment is often beneficial.

There is plenty of time to explore your sexuality. I wasn't secure in my sexuality until 17 and had no sexual experiences until I was 19. Many people don't even start questioning their sexuality like me and you until they are much older. There is defiantly no rush, and it is good that you are thinking about this now. I don't know if you do, but I had a lot of problems with physical contact. You can still make physical contact with guys and enjoy it, perhaps even on a sexual level, but this doesn't necessarily mean it will lead to something more or make you gay. Most importantly, this is about you and your life. As long as you are happy with yourself then this is all that matters

This post has been edited by Paper: Feb 25 2008, 05:27 PM

i used to worry about being gay,when i was in my 20s,and i think it is normal to find were you stand with your sex! and i just love the female body now

This post has been edited by suburgatory: Feb 25 2008, 09:00 PM

i'm not gay so i dont know how hard it would be to come to terms with - but hang in there and don't be afraid of your own feelings. you are who you are and people who love you will support you.

This post has been edited by suburgatory: Feb 28 2008, 10:41 AM

Hey there My Turn,

Just wanted to say pretty much what Burgy said, that your fears sound anxiety based and part of OCD or something like this. That fact that you find other blokes attractive is pretty much part of being human, not connected in any way to sexuality. When I was going through panic attacks and extreme anxiety I would have intrusive graphic thoughts of anything gory, even when I was in bed with my man. Nature of panic is that it'll target something which really disturbs you, for me it was gore or illness, for you it happens to be homosexual images (or things you interpret as homosexual). I don't think this makes you gay or homophobic. It's just the nature of the beast.
This is only what strikes me about your post, only you can tell if you're gay/bi/straight. Whatever your sexuality is, it's something to feel good about.

I also have gone through this, some of which you describe, I have been there too and sought out where nature lies on this subject, not to mention history. It is interesting to read that much of the prejudices against same sex relations originated in scriptures written by man, or most likely mal translated and rewritten obviously inserting whatever political slant that existed at the time or even the writer's own insecurities. There fore, I cannot go with what is written as law, either political or moral and so look to nature.

Nature, there exists same sex fraternisations, which to me as another 'animal' on this planet, I can accept, be it bisexual or homosexual or even heterosexual and countless positions in between. I see life as to learn and enjoy and ignore the prejudices of others as prejudices can display an insecurity about the self.

I believe I have just come out to myself as gay or at least bisexual and with that, a passive type which has it's own problems, I need an approach, as I cannot approach because of my own insecure feelings, I want, but cannot take.

Unbeknown to me, even my choice of clothing where I feel at my best, I just found out is attractive to my own sex, though the signals are now out of date, there is still some codes still about, I have long wild hair and wear black leather and I am not a biker. I wear lots of silver jewellery,and all of it has a meaning to me, I design and make it so. I wear three key chains, because I am so good at misplacing things and to stop the panic,my wallet is on a chain, as are my keys and my mobile phone. What was it someone asked what I was, a bottom, if that means passive, yeah I think so

And, I am at art college, the only male on a course with thirty four females, they are my friends, and I get the comment that I am a good friend, because I do not pursue them. I thought this was just being a gentleman, but have been told, nope they feel I am no threat to them, either that, or I am totally different to any other male in their orbit.

So many signs that point, and now, I am happy, content that I may be different, it is just I need the right kind of person to move on.

I have had episodes of OCD although a fear of being gay wasnt one of my obsessions.

Have you ever been to ocd uk? Its a site run by an ocd charity in the uk but members from other countries do use it (im not sure where you are from). Its a good board for sufferers of Obsessive compulsive disorder.

My first thought when I read the post was that you ought to discuss OCD / Anxiety disorders with a professional. You may not have one, but you sure have enough symptoms to warrant a discussion.

I hate to break it to you, but the only way your going to get over this fear of yours is by facing it head on. You can learn more about sexuality, but don't expect it to fix the problem.

Let me give you a bit of personal advice:
When I first hit puberty, I was attracted to females and males. Because I looked at guys occasionally, I automatically assumed I was gay. As self-full fulling prophesies go, I basically made myself gay. I was so focused on it, that I did not let myself develop normally. Back then, I was an extremely anxious person. It more or less haunted me for several years. Eventually, I decided to accept that I was gay.

One time, when I was probably a bit hypomanic, I decided to go to a gay bar and kiss a guy. I figured it would be fun, but I was indifferent to it. I wasn't really attracted to any of the guys, and I only noticed the females there. I still had an outstanding time though! Learned a lot about the culture. Others' may have had sex on their mind, but I wasn't thinking about sex at all. That made me realize that my sexuality is extremely complicated. I like looking at other guys, but as it turns out, that's pretty much it.

This story does have a moral; sexuality is complicated, but if you constantly worry about it, you are doing yourself a disservice. Sure, you may be gay, but you can't actively change that. You need to accept it. If you do, you might be surprised at how much better you'll feel. I don't believe there is anything wrong with homosexuality.

If you want a further complication, consider this:
Depression really messes with my sexuality. When I'm depressed, I'm rarely attracted to either sex. So, sometimes I'm attracted to both sexes, and sometimes I'm attracted to neither.

What do I call myself? I finally decided it doesn't matter; labels are arbitrary. Ultimately, I decided to call myself bisexual because it pretty much incorporates everything. I feel free to be attracted to who I want, when I want, and if I want.

Just please don't beat yourself up over this. It's a road that leads nowhere healthy.

Just to add to the discussion, my best friend is a gay man, and he's a great man: intelligent, articulate, excels at a tough field, top of his class in law school, volunteers in ways that help society, as good a friend as one could possibly ask for, and his same-sex marriage is healthier than my traditional one.

His sexual orientation isn't even a factor when I consider who he is as a person.

Its no more important to me than the color of his hair .. though of course, its very important to him and acknowledging it - first to himself, and then coming out publicly - was a huge and difficult step for him.

This post has been edited by Amaroq: Apr 30 2008, 12:15 PM

There is nothing at all wrong with being gay or bi. I'm bi myself, and to be honest, I consider myself to be exactly the same as everyone else. Not to mention, I've got quite a few good friends who are bi or gay, and they are all great people.

The way I see it, if you're straight, you're great, if you're gay, you're great, if you're bi, you're great :)