I seem to be losing my ability to write. Or maybe the areas in my brain related to communicating are just plain deteriorating from a lack of use. (btw I exaggerate way too much when I am angry) I realize how underrated our struggle is. It's complete @#%$. Well to everyone else. I am addressing social anxiety because that is what is currently fueling my depression and vice versa. besides no one takes it so seriously.

Social anxiety and depression sucks especially cause

-no one can see what's going on inside your head (so they assume all kind of stupid creepy stuff about your character, and somehow our minds assume exactly what they perceived of you)

-no respect. People usually respect people who are struggling/have struggled in life. They treat them better, encourage them, support them whatever. Even get inspired by them. Inside they realize "what a difficult life Malcolm X had". Or what difficult lives rappers had. Or what difficult life the kid has next door because his mom died. The last thing on earth I would do is downgrade any of these legitimate struggles, because although I've never experienced any of these types of emotional external struggles , I still somehow have enormous respect for the people who have undergone their life trauma, and support them. HOWEVER, when it comes to social anxiety, it seems an all to humiliating struggle, because jeez maybe someone else can help answer me? Because honestly I don't know the answer. Maybe it has to do with some of the other reasons I mentioned. Or just the basic stigma. Sure family and friends support, but the subtle humiliation is just there somewhere in setting floating in air. This "illness" feels like a charade, a facade, you feel phony, desperate, needy, and intrinsically people are repulsed by these qualities.

But for those who genuinely care about you , because they are a few. The only reason people are inspired by us is because they are glad they are not like us. Is that evil ? Am I wrong?

I want to live a real life with real goals and struggles coming my way. Not a hard struggle like some pathetic brain neurotransmitter malfunction. Maybe it's so hard because it feels pathetic. And that it is downgraded in the bigger realm of things where people die everyday, lose a boy friend, girlfriend, witness their family die before their eyes, be on a bridge while it collapses, or see your house float away amidst the flood. Many of the people who go through these events become stronger people. I hope we can learn from that, and do the same with our underrated inner struggle.

Sorry for this meaningless text with no direction. I feel angry because I have friends relatives calling me and I keep ignoring because I don't want to show what character I have become.

I too suffer from social anxiety.. it isn't easy to overcome, but it is something that you can beat. I usually have panic attacks when I have to be in any type of social environment. What has worked for me in this area is my AD's and my therapy. I have built up a small enough amount of self esteem, to engage in conversation, and be in social situations.

Therapy is a great start to get you into the right mind set, and to ease you into the transition of being a recluse, to being sociable.... its a long process, but very much worth it.

I really hope you can find that strength in you, believe it or not it does exist in you. You have to fight this illness, and fight hard. But it is a reachable goal, and there is help out there for people like you and I, so reach out for it!

I wish you all the best, and please keep us up to date on how you are doing!

Looking Up

I know about the inner struggle and all the self doubt it causes as I have had to deal with anxiety on many levels. I have been where I ignore the invites from family and friends and don't answer the phone because I don't want to hear that 'something is wrong with me because I don't show up, anymore.'

I am angry about this disorder, too, but I fight back with meds and change. I work very hard at telling myself the thoughts that my brain create that tell my I'm different than other people, they are staring at me, and I don't have what it takes, socially are just part of the disorder. I was able to plan a luncheon at my Mother's with my brothers and their wives on Christmas Day and it went so well that I got positive comments from my sister-in-laws about the efficency I showed with the menu, setting up the buffet and so on.

It really took me a couple of weeks of hem-hawing to get there, planning, cooking and worrying that it wouldn't turn out well, but I made it and it worked out well. I think it's about the first time in three years that I took a step like this, so I guess it's safe to say that I'm proud that I did it, had some anxiety but lived through it and I will do this, again. It's the first time I was in a room with both brothers in years and it was a real wake up call on how I have told myself that they were too much to handle. They are a handful at times, get upset and stew about things that happened in the past. We're all bullheaded, but they had a good visit and one came over to my house for a couple of hours to talk. I think it was good for all of us. Especially my Mom. She's been ill, so it was kind of tense as my older brother can't accept that she's in the physical shape she's in.....

Somehow, we all got through this part.

At this point, I am just taking a stand for myself. If I want to do something, I'll go ahead and make the plans. If I think all this negative thought is real, it closes too many doors in my life. I find that once I get wherever I'm going, I'm fine. I'm just trying to make peace with social anxiety. It's there and I'm aware of the consequences of not socializing. I just get more depressed and feel low. I need to be around people and if they think I'm weird, so what? I know they don't, but that's the anxiety talking.

Keep trying. I find that if I fight the negative ideas and visualize myself doing this and that and going places, it helps me relax enough to go. It's been a real struggle to do grocery shopping and go to the mall where everyone is a stranger. It's been a lot of work. It well worth the fight!

Keep on working at socializing. It's what we need to do to get on with our recovery!

Jackie

I relate to what you're saying.


I too suffer with depression and social anxiety. It worsened in my teens. Like you, fixentolive, I have had people assume terrible things about me and judge my character/behavior/personality. It is hurtful.


People who classify themselves as "normal" are unaware of how difficult it is to function with depression and social anxiety. If they were aware, they wouldn't be as quick to ridicule or condemn people like ourselves. I went through high school with people calling me "psychotic" and "crazy girl". Can you imagine how much that hurt? Now in adulthood, I still try to cope with life and being treated like a social pariah. I have had strangers ridicule me in public for no reason. I struggle to be "normal" and to conform to certain standards within reason. I struggle constantly to not have my actions or words misunderstood and misinterpreted. And they often are. I've never had a close relationship with my own family so for those who do, you are lucky. I don't even have friends. I do have a boyfriend and our relationship is wonderful but he really doesn't know the extent of my problems. He is aware of my social anxiety and my shyness around people. He doesn't realize that it hurts my feelings to be told, even in jest, that I "stare" at other people. I know this is not true but it is something I heard often growing up when I was being ridiculed for looking different.


~winter_sky_blue~

Fix, I can totally relate to your post. I have chronic depression and at least 3 anxiety disorders, including social anxiety. When I was younger, I pleaded any number of excuses for avoiding social situations. I couldn't even force myself to go because I became physically ill when the time to attend drew close. My depression became no secret because of a number of hospitalizations. I soon got to the point of not caring about what others thought. When told that I needed to go or attend this or that, I would just say, "I can't do that".
A couple of good friends make sure that I can attend some social situations without pressure. I follow them in my own car so I can "escape" at any moment. Most people I know have just gotten used to my unpredictability when it comes to social situations.
It's often maddening because it prevents me from enjoying things I might enjoy. I have tried taking baby steps. For me it just doesn't do much good. I've just had to adjust and know there are things I can't do. For example, last night I forced myself to go out with cousins from another state (great relationships), but was anxious the whole time and was "up" until I collapsed about 12 hours afterwards and only slept on and off for four hours -- here I am almost 24 hours later -- still "suffering" the after-effects.
I don't know how severe your anxiety is. Try those baby steps into limited settings and don't push yourself! Some of us just need to live with it, regardless of what others think.

I feel your pain man. I have social anxiety and it too in turn fuels depression. It sucks not being able to function like a regular part of society. No one, unless they suffer from it, can truely understand it. Most push it off as you being shy or weak. You just have to keep fighting though. It's not terminal unless you let it be.

I am not diagnosed but I think I have slight anxiety. When I force myself to do things -- such as conferences to further my career networking -- I am not the same for a few days until I have recovered. But it's beatable.

I'm finding it hard to deal with my social anxiety at University; my family are so far away so I have a surrogate family in a way in the form of my four housemates. Although one of them has also suffered from depression, she is suprisingly not very understanding about my social anxiety - in fact if i say 'guys i can't go out tonight/ i don't want to go out' she is the first to question me or mutter 'well there's a suprise!', which just makes me feel worse. No one really gets it, although we have worked out a way to get around some stuff and 'live with it'.

Since I've started seeing this guy though (only for a week mind) I've suddenly realised 'D***, this is so hard!' - how can I expect him to deal with it? Obviously with my housemates we have some kind of way about it, but with him its so terrifying! He wants to go out somewhere for a day and I'm not sure I can bring myself to do it. I want to be able to have a 'normal' relationship with him ie. go on dates, go out for the day etc. but I've only just realised how hard it is actually going to be.

I can totally relate to the social anxiety thing.

I'll do anything to get out of being thrust into social situations with people I don't know. Even with good friends, I find one-on-one situations stressful. I prefer a bunch of us together, so that I can remain unobtrusive. I even get anxious when talking to shop assistants sometimes. I'm sure they think I'm some kind of weirdo, or just plain rude.

The ironic thing is that my work requires me to get up in front of groups of people and instruct several times a day. I can actually cope with that, as I don't have to talk about me or engage in any conversation. I stick to an instruction plan, and don't deviate from that.

As long as we're human there will always be prejudice no matter what.

Mental illness is still new and although it's cool this last decade, it'll take another generation to filter out what people perceive and judge because they're too caught up in their own world and unless it touches them personally, the only input they have is TV, unfortunately.