hi i was diagnosed with depression since 17, probably had it since about 14 if not younger (now 31). Had some success with AD's but continue to have bad episodes and am again having them changed (been on seroxat, dothiepin, sertraline, citalopram, mirtazapine and now being changed to amitriptyline.

My daughter is the most important thing to me and when i had my worst ever episode of depression (suppose this is still part of the same episode which has lasted nearly a year) but about 8 months ago i felt the worst i ever have and i know if i didnt have my daughter i wouldnt be here now. i call her my lifesaver :-)

Thing is even now i get a lot of suicidal thoughts but i know i could never act on them because even tho i often feel my little girl would be better off without me, a mum who gets depressed, agitated and short tempered, i also couldnt cope with the thought she will grow up thinking i didnt love her enough to stay alive.

I just feel that although i wouldnt give her up for the world having someone dependent on me creates so many challenges.
I dont want to get up in the morning but i HAVE to. I often dont want to face the world but i have to. i am off work sick at the moment and when i can relax (which isnt often bcozi get agitated depression) i want to just sleep or not face anyone or anything but again i HAVE to.
i often cant sleep at night staying awake until 2-3 am but then i dont have the luxury of sleeping in if i can bcozi gotta get up to get her ready for school etc.
the last medsi was on made me so tired andi have heard amitriptyline is very sedating but i wont be able to even give myself time to get used to these.

i hate the fact i get so impatient and have no tolerance for anything, it makes me feel like a terrible mum. i dont have the energy to 'play' as much as i should. its enough of an effort what i do manage with her.
I wouldnt give her up for the world but i feel such a terrible mother. she deserves better than me. i just want to get well so i can be the patient, 'coping' mum i was for the 1st few years of her life.

i read about people saying they cant get out of bed and sleep all day etc, that was me a few years ago and now even when the depression is even worse than it was then i physically CANT do that - i have no choice!! i cant let a three year old beautiful little girl look after herself.

i just want to get well again - i am physically and mentally drained from all these years of up and downs. sometimes i wisah i could just give in for a while and stop fighting this...just hide away from the world and hibernate but again i cant!
anyone else relate?

80% of the timei feel i have a mask on that shows i am fine. i wish people could see thro it. i had to organise a birthday party for yesterday. i have heard people who are depressed saying "oh i couldnt do that if i was low" - this is something you HAVE to do, i cant let this interfere with my daughters life any more than it already does.
I think because people see me fighting it and because i havent (cant) just 'give in' they underestimate how i feel. then again i dont want to keep telling them because i feel they will look at me and think "here she goes again2 so i keep smiling and trying to laugh and getting on with things but i just want to hide.

I can relate to all that you have said, my kids are now my only reason for living. Look at it as a positive if you can, you get some inner strength from your little girl. One of the Docs treating me once said, when I said I was a useless mum and didn't do enough for my kids, that she was sure my kids would rather have me here, even if I'm not supermum, than have me die and not be around to see them grow up. Be kind to yourself.

Why or why do doctors keep altering our drug therapies GRRR! I have had to learn that drugs are not a cure but a means of getting through the day. I have had to learn not to look too far ahead and accpet that there will be some days when all I need is sleep ....... after 8 years these are less and less and most days are reasonable. Occasionally the drug I take poops out so I have to begin the rounds of searching for a new drug or upping the doseage to compensate.

How old is your daughter? Are you a single parent? Untreated Post Natal Depression can last for several years so ask your doctor or practice nurse for advice. If you live in the UK there are several agencies, many have details in the library.

STOP! What would be a 'better parent'? All of us have problems, niggles, annoyances during most days. Occasionally I can go to bed and think that was 'good'. Some people deal with life seemingly better than I do but hey, I'm not in their life and maybe putting on an act helps them get through.

Making lists has helped me. It means that each evening I can see what I have actually achieved and not be worried about what I have been unable to do. I make sure that Hubby has a clean set of clothes and that our kitchen and bathroom are clean, I lack motivation so household chores are difficult sometimes.

Have you read our children 'room'? You might see that you are not alone, that others feel they could be 'better' parents but hey, NO ONE is perfect. If you child is of reasoning age have a chat and ask how she sees her future, how it could be improved? You might find that she likes things just the way they are!

Keep posting! <wave>

This post has been edited by Lizzy: Nov 19 2007, 07:34 AM

I can relate 100%.

I have 2 children, a girl (age 5) and a boy (age 2). I am 31 years old, They are the ONLY reason I am here today. They push me to keep fighting. It caused me to get into the "fight for a better life for them" phase. I continue my meds, and therapy FOR THEM. I continue to push myself to go to work and school, to better THEIR lives. And in turn, my depression is no longer a big black cloud looming over me, its now just a small haze. and is lifting more and more every day.

If it weren't for my kids, I would not of had the will and determination to continue on. Things do get better with meds and talk therapy, and I am so glad that I found this forum as well, because the people here have been a Godsend to me.

I realize that my children deserved better than I was giving them when my depression was worse. But now I am so much closer to giving them the life, and the mother they deserve.

You will too... I can tell from your post and all the smilies when talking about your daughter, you love and care for her very much. I know you can fight this illness, for your daughter, and YOURSELF!

Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Looking Up

Isn't it amazing how we can do everything for our children even when we are depressed? Our child supplements us with extra energy when we feel so low. We would get up early in the morning just to send them off to school or attend PTA meetings even if we have social anxiety or panic attacks associated with depression. This little ones can literally cure us even for a moment. It does not last long but it is enough to make us think that we are still capable after all and that there may still be hope for us to get out of this illness someday. Of course I stopped dreaming ( I don't like disappointments) but that moment when I feel normal is so precious to me.

i have a 10 year old daughter. She has seen me suffer depression for 4 years. It depends on the age of a child, but i have learnt that she too must understand what is wrong with her mummy. I decided i'd much rather she knew what was wrong with me, rather than her just think "why is mummy moody". She does now, and has accepted it well, from what i can see, she is developing into a strong, confident, happy young girl. It is not a taboo subject between myself and her, she talks about my depression comfortably, and we even have a joke about it sometimes. my daughter is now begiining to show signs of pre-teen moodiness, but she openly tells me when she feels like this. I am glad we have this close relationship.

thanku to every1 who has replied so far, it really helps.

sad - thats what i try and think - i know that even children who are really badly treated by their parents still love them unconditionally (dont get me wrong i dont mistreat her - its just that knowing this makes me think that even if i am less tolerant than usual and i get impatient she would rather have me around like this than not at all). i just think she deserves better u know? im not always so bad with it but im up and down everyday so much that i do feel she is so young to cope with this especially as she has already had to cope with a divorce and a relationship breakdown here. poor little thing is only 3.
i do agree that she is also my reason for living and we are 'lucky' we have such amazing beautiful reasons, i just feel she shouldnt have to put up with all the crap this illness brings with it. children are definitely a huge blessing tho arent they :-)

lizzy - i never heard the term 'pooping out' till lately - dont think its used so much here in uk. thats def what happens with mine tho and its an apt description. my daughter is nearly 4 and yea im on my own. dont think its postnatal depression tho bcoz been on antidepressants for so many years (10-11 yrs before i even had my daughter. thanku for leading me to this room. omg dont talk about lists. i have some ocd too (something else to add to the list ;-) and i write lists of what lists i need to write, my bedroom is scattered with mini lists that need to be made into one list - i cant do anything without one unfortunately i think its become a habit now.
i kow no-ones perfect but i remember before i had her (had to have ivf) - used to say if i ever have a baby i will be the best mother and i know i havent lived up to that. my mum says im a born mother and i know when im well i am but when im not i know i shout too much and get impatient so mkuch quicker than usual. i am irritable and a pain to be around. i have noticed lately she shouts more and i cant help thinking she is learning it from me. dont get me wrong i am not shouting all the time but....im afraid how this will affect her.

looking up - thanku ur post was so positive and i can see how much you love ur children too. i know i definitely fight much harder than i ecver have since i had my daughter its just that i happen to have had the worst ever episode 8 months ago and am finding myself slipping back constantly rather than getting better. i kinda wish i had been like this when she was a baby bcoz she may have noticed less.

mom - yes i know exactly what u mean. my daughters party yesterday was an example. i could literally feel the walls closing in on me at times. i felt drained and exhausted but i knew i had to do it for her. thank god i managed to hold myself together until he got to bed so she will have good memories of the day.

hawaiingirl - thats great u can have such an open and honest relationship with ur daughter. my little girl is much younger so i couldnt really discuss things with her yet, she is too little but i hope we can have such an understanding relationship when she is older. i agree that when ther are old enough it is important to discuss it so they dont get the wrong impression and think it is somehow their fault.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER - DSH

ok im not sure where ur supposed to put the trigger stuff but hopefully thats ok. another thing that worries me about my daughter is i have history of self harm. i control it much better now since i have had her but have had relapses. i hide it from her (feel like **** sometimes bcoz i want to take her swimming but this is a very rare treat seeing as it takes me so long to apply cover cream etc) but obviously when she grows older she will notice scars. i worry how i will explain it to her , what to say and the effect this will have on her.

This post has been edited by hedgehog: Nov 19 2007, 02:29 PM

"I dont want to get up in the morning but i HAVE to."
These words are so accurate for me. I have a 6 month old and it is really hard to pretend that everything is ok.
He is the only joy in my life at the moment but sometimes I find that it isn't enough. I love him so but wish (like you) that I was more present and in the moment with him. Keep your daughter in mind whenever you are down and hang in there. My doc just put me on wellbutrin and I hope that this helps for me. And I hope that you get the right meds to work for you, you deserve it. Being a mom is by far THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE! PERIOD.
Thinking of you and wishing you well.

4 year old son, single mum ex (of 3 years) due to be sentenced to 2/3 years in prison on the 22nd of December, a father in Spain (i'm in the UK) due to have heart bypass surgery next Wednesday, PTSD, major depression with suicidal urges/attemps, psychosis.......the list goes on and on....the last count was 9 different 'labels'.......LABELS....

hellnbak,
It sounds like you have a lot going on over there. I hope that you are getting the support you need.
Do you have people around that can help?
I will be thinking of you today :) Be well

hi.

i am 30 and i have 5 children,a boy nearly 10,a girl nearly 9,a boy of 4,a girl almost 2 and my baby girl who is 8 months.

i too have had problems with depression i think since i was about 13/14,but i didnt get any help untill i was 17.i had ante-natal dpression in my first pregnancy but it wasn't recognised then.i have also been in 2 abusive relationships,and have had depression on and off for the last 10 years,but nobody would take me seriously untill i was diagnosed with ante-natal depression in my last pregnancy,they just kept telling me i was stressed due to circumstances

i tried amytriptiline once-literally-i took one tablet at 10pm and was asleep all the next day.since then i have always point-blank refused to take tri-cyclics.i am on effexor at the moment,currently having my dosage adjusted ,but i havent had any unwanted side effects.

i think its important to explain to children what you can.i remember my mum often being angry and scary,and always wondering what i'd done to upset her as a child.then about 2 years ago i was telling her i had PMT and had shouted at a woman who'd queue jumped,and she said 'oh i used to get that really bad,for 2-3 weeks every month'.if only she'd explained that to me when i was younger!

my eldest 2 know i am on anti-depressants,in fact my daughter knows alot about PND and hormones as well now.i try to explain to my 4 year old if i shout at him for no good reason or if im crying,that sometimes mummy feels sad but its not his fault and i love him,and a nice cuddle always cheers me up.

but i know what you mean about being here for your children.when i have been at my lowest its only the fact that i would be selfish to leave them that has kept me going.

thanku for the replies, i respect all of you for doing what you are doing because i know how hard it is. my little girl is too young at the moment but i think its great when i hear how understanding some children are over this. i hope i will never have to tell her (tho i panic a lot how i am going to explain scars to her when she is older) - keep telling myself one day at a time.
Youre all an inspiration to me, im not the only one going through this.

I have a question - my ex is currently being ok but i have had major problems with him in the past. i have a constant fear that if he ever knows i continue to get depressed at times (and have self harmed a couple of times as he thinks i havent done that for years) that he will try and get custody.
I very rarely self harm now (in fact i have had a wake up call which is another story and am determined i will not do it again no matter how bad i feel) but i always worry that it will be reason to lose my daughter. I have never done it in front of her, i hate even crying in front of her and usually contain it until she isnt around. Ive just been diagnosed as having a type of bipolar too. Could he use these things against me?

Hi stormcloud,

Nope, i have noboby and my son only has me. I feel inadequate and constantly guilty. I feel almost constantly suicidal at the moment.....I'm taking my 'meds' but i just seem to be getting worse........I can only feel that this is not fair on him and he deserves better.......at the moment i would say that my head is in an exremely bad place, and what's worse is that i feel no one can see it......