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 Oct 10 2007, 06:58 PM
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Junior Moderator
Group: Admin Team-Moderator
Posts: 4,145
Joined: 20-July 07
From: Australia
Member No.: 17,697
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I had a mental break down in the head yesterday and am feeling the after effects today but wanted to post this before I return to sleep because I dont know how to stop this cycle in my head. How I can feel great one minute and then the next I am falling apart.
Number One Me - The person you see on here, more of the time, caring, understandting, a bit too talkiative, talking jibberish at times, loving, gentle, bit too much colour on the screen, bit of a perfectionist and this list could go on, I feel ok at this point.
Number Two Me - The person who is so sure of herself the one that is indestructable and can do no wrong. Will take on the world at this point. I am invinsible, I am rich, I am successful, I am everything I am really not, but at this point I see that I am healthy and able to withstand anything. I say do anything I feel like, with out consequences.
Number Three Me - THe person who crashes hard and hates herself from this moment and loaths the site of herself and all that she does and says. At this point I cant stop hating myself in all that I have done previously in life.
Number Four Me - Ther person who has now come down the other end and is full of guilt and apologises, returns things, tries and fixes things, but it all does not seem enough at this point. So tired from all that has happened and I have done but cant seem to rid the guilt from my head.
Then from out of nowhere after doing all I can to free myself of the guilt I go back to person number one again and the cylce begins again, I am still carrying the guilt but I can never seem to break the cycle and its starting to really bug me.
Is this how my life will be forever,
I am on medication and see a few doctors all this helps
but cant stop going through the cycles again.
Isabeau 
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IS-A-BOW© AJWe're our own dragons as well as our own heroes,
and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves. 
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Oct 10 2007, 07:08 PM
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Senior Moderator
Group: Admin Team-Moderator
Posts: 10,440
Joined: 5-July 07
From: California
Member No.: 17,342
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Isabeau, sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm not bipolar, so I don't know exactly how you feel, but I know what it's like to feel out of control, reckless, guilty,hateful, and to change moods for no apparent reason. Hmmm. Maybe I do have some bipolar in me. I don't know how many meds you've tried, but keep trying, until you find the right blend for you. It's different for everyone. I hope you get some comfort from all your friends here who love you. 
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~Burgy
Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix.
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Oct 10 2007, 07:15 PM
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Junior Member
Group: Junior Member
Posts: 117
Joined: 3-October 07
Member No.: 19,459
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QUOTE(suburgatory @ Oct 10 2007, 08:08 PM)  Isabeau, sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm not bipolar, so I don't know exactly how you feel, but I know what it's like to feel out of control, reckless, guilty,hateful, and to change moods for no apparent reason. Hmmm. Maybe I do have some bipolar in me. I don't know how many meds you've tried, but keep trying, until you find the right blend for you. It's different for everyone. I hope you get some comfort from all your friends here who love you. they say bi-p, it does match a roller coaster life but so does border personality disorder, i was diagnosed as bi-p11 but i see more of me in bpd, i hope u work it out but remember tomarrow can always be better and as the others have said , there is a med that will balance you, hope you find it
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Oct 10 2007, 07:21 PM
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Senior Member
Group: Senior Member
Posts: 463
Joined: 7-September 07
From: Florida
Member No.: 18,822
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QUOTE(Isabeau @ Oct 10 2007, 07:58 PM) I had a mental break down in the head yesterday and am feeling the after effects today but wanted to post this before I return to sleep because I dont know how to stop this cycle in my head. How I can feel great one minute and then the next I am falling apart.
Number One Me - The person you see on here, more of the time, caring, understandting, a bit too talkiative, talking jibberish at times, loving, gentle, bit too much colour on the screen, bit of a perfectionist and this list could go on, I feel ok at this point.
Number Two Me - The person who is so sure of herself the one that is indestructable and can do no wrong. Will take on the world at this point. I am invinsible, I am rich, I am successful, I am everything I am really not, but at this point I see that I am healthy and able to withstand anything. I say do anything I feel like, with out consequences.
Number Three Me - THe person who crashes hard and hates herself from this moment and loaths the site of herself and all that she does and says. At this point I cant stop hating myself in all that I have done previously in life.
Number Four Me - Ther person who has now come down the other end and is full of guilt and apologises, returns things, tries and fixes things, but it all does not seem enough at this point. So tired from all that has happened and I have done but cant seem to rid the guilt from my head.
Then from out of nowhere after doing all I can to free myself of the guilt I go back to person number one again and the cylce begins again, I am still carrying the guilt but I can never seem to break the cycle and its starting to really bug me.
Is this how my life will be forever,
I am on medication and see a few doctors all this helps
but cant stop going through the cycles again.
Isabeau Isabeau, You know I love ya and wish I could take your pain away for you. I'm bi polar two had a bad night last night Just don't know what to say help. But I promise I will always be here to listen. Except now I'm being summond by my current girlfriend and my ex. the two new best friends! May the good Lord help me~  Love ya pal!SteveThe Ball and chain is calling! 
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There is no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. ~Doctor Who~.
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Guest_Deep Breath_*
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Oct 10 2007, 09:05 PM
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Guests
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Isabeau,
Reading over it, the thing that stands out to me me is the sheer weight of guilt. If it's there in such a big way at the end and still there at the start then is it worth wondering how much it traps you in the cycle?
As someone with BPD so much of those things are familiar to me but I have only recently been diagnosed and still trying to understand it all. I do know that my feelings of guilt are at their worst and even some things I thought I had put to rest years ago haunt me more now than they ever did. I can't even cleanse myself of simple things.
Sometimes, big or small, old or new, here or far, it all grows into two burly nasty hands that grab my throat and make me pay for everything bad that has ever happened. Literally it takes my breath away.
I only ask because it sounds familiar. Sorry if any of it puts a thought into your head that isn't real.
I hope it gets better for you,
Deep Breath
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Oct 10 2007, 11:23 PM
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Newbie
Group: Newbie
Posts: 47
Joined: 13-September 04
From: Austin, Texas
Member No.: 674
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It sounds like you are having a rough time Isabeau. Can you see your doc soon? Perhaps a med change would help.
I hope you feel better soon. Cycling sucks.
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Oct 11 2007, 08:57 AM
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Junior Moderator
Group: Admin Team-Moderator
Posts: 4,145
Joined: 20-July 07
From: Australia
Member No.: 17,697
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I always seem to forget I start threads, but am back to reply now  I have only been on one BP medication and will go back on Monday and see what the doctor has to say, I dont feel any different being on it, just the same. The anti-d medication seems to be working and the OCD seems to have lowered its impact on me. Will have to talk with the doctor and see what he has to say, that just reminded me I had to take a blood test before I went back might have to change the appointment. You, could very well be on to something there, the guilt maybe plays a big roll, it never seems to go away. Being here just makes me feel not so alone with what I am going through, it feels like its ok to ask to reach out, I love it here and everyone I have met, he really does help being around people who care. SUB  HUGS across the ocean to YOU DEEP BREATH  I like what you have to say, it makes me think, its good STEVE- THANK YOU for always being there to listen to me TERIPEC Thank YOU, I think I am seeing what you see in you, I been diagnoised like you, but its more the other DARRELL I HATE cycling too, I never knew it was called that. HUGS
TO EVERYONE
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IS-A-BOW© AJWe're our own dragons as well as our own heroes,
and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.
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Oct 11 2007, 12:31 PM
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Moderator
Group: Admin Team-Moderator
Posts: 2,626
Joined: 6-October 06
From: Mississippi
Member No.: 10,620
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QUOTE(suburgatory @ Oct 11 2007, 09:12 AM) (((((((ISSY)))))))
I hope the doctor can find better treatment for you. I hate to see you suffer!
Well, even though you're going through hell, you still manage to be an absolute joy to everyone here. Here, Here! I'm so sorry you're going through this, and though I don't have bipolar, I had many of the symptoms on a med that didn't react well with me last year..... I'm sure what I experienced was nothing compared to what you're dealing with, but still, despite it all, the same person is always there underneath those feelings. I like to think of it this way - my depression blocks out the sun, but it's still there, behind the clouds, waiting for me to rediscover it. I just hope you can find a treatment that rolls back the clouds so you can see the sunshine again, too. Take care, Dewayne
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If life is a joke, then I don't get it. - Dewayne  |
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Oct 16 2007, 11:23 PM
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Platinum Member
Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 2,511
Joined: 18-August 07
From: US
Member No.: 18,374
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{{{{ISABEAU}}}} Hang in there. You are a wonderful person even when you go through the different cycles, I have seen you go through them all, and you are just someone who gets a mind-virus.. Flush it out with lots of water & good thoughts, I'll be here for you. I've said it before, but I am so impressed at how self-aware you are, to be able to recognize all these cycles, even if you can't stop yourself. 
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The Cycle In My Head |
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Depression Forums - A Depression & Mental Health Community Support Group > OTHER DEPRESSION & ANXIETY RELATED ILLNESSES > Bipolar Disorders (Manic Depression)
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