Using personnal experience , I have started this topic as a sharing experience place , for all of us who were not nurtured and cared for in an appropriate way , Parental abuse takes many forms , physical and emotional neglect , physical and emotional violence , over protection , no protection. An appropriation of ones life , guilt abuse .

At times it takes a life time to be able to say no to abusive situations and relationships , self esteem being shattered or so low that we feel we don't deserve anything else anyway.

Saying Boo to the goose , is a way of learning to refuse potentially uncomfortable situations . Of strengthening those defenses we were not allowed to construct .


One Boo , was seeking medical and therapy help for depression, in spite of huge resistence from an emotionally abusive partner who was a carbon copy of a parent .( I left the abusive partner, as soon as I began to recover )

Looking forward to hearing your Boos
Memory being jogged by spiraling mind , my first big boo was going to art school , against the wishes of parents . thankyou spiral for this reminder , from reading your experience . I'm getting senior moments it seems .

Hugs Hedge

This post has been edited by hedgehog: Sep 10 2007, 02:36 PM

This is a hard topic to talk about, but growing up, I didn't know that my mom suffered from depression and anxiety along with a husband who was so cold, but it would have helped to know that is why we were so ignored, and why she took out her anger on us.

Hi OceanBreeze ,

Your reply is important , and underlines the importance of appropriate explanation to children of a depressed parent .

Otherwise the children very often feel guilty in some way for the irrational anger and withdrawal .

Thank you for sharing this difficult memory .

Hugs Hedge

maybe off-topic

i'm an over-protective parent
my son has grown up with learning disabilities (that he will have to manage the rest of his life), a speech problem that he has overcome, social anxiety that has developed into general anxiety & depression. He has some level of periodic psychosis.

i don't know how to not be over-protective. i know sometimes i make things worse by worrying too much and not letting go -- but i never thought of this as abuse before.

i kind of think i would be neglectful to not watch out for him. i would welcome anyone else's opinions on that even if you tell me something you think would hurt my feelings.

i've made plenty of mistakes, but i've done the best i knew how to do.

Thanks Hedgehog, I have been struggling with this for a while, and it is getting better with counseling. The anger I felt towards my parents is subsiding but there are still some questions unanswered.

(((( SLW )))

I'm sorry if the overprotective phrase made you feel wobbly , by over protection I meant the total control some parents exercise not allowing their children any freedom of choice at all . even shutting out potential friends .

You come over as an appropriately caring parent , of a child who has difficulties , it is difficult at times to let go , and letting children learn from their own experience . The trick is to stay discreetly within reach , rushing in when there seems real difficulty and distress . This is up to each parent to gauge as only you know the distress limits of your children .

There are no perfect parents , but many good parents . I feel that you are a good parent .

Hugs Hedge

My first Boo was going off to college, although I didn't really think of it that way until now. My mother is mentally ill (bipolar and codependency), and really wasn't able to care for her children. My father worked long hours to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. When he wasn't working, he spent most of his time being a parent to my mother. That left us kids to fend for ourselves. It was like The Lord of the Flies, and unfortunately, I was at the bottom of the heap. My siblings had (and still have!!) the attitude "For me to succeed, you need to fail."

I knew things were bad, but it wasn't until I got the heck out of that house that I realized just how bad they were and got help.

(((slw))) I agree with hedgehog and her use of "appropriate." What may be appropriate for one child, might not be for another. Are you getting therapy for yourself as well or coordinating with your son's therapist? What a difficult situation for a parent to be in!

This post has been edited by SpiralingMind: Sep 10 2007, 10:20 AM

SpiralingMind ,

Thank you for sharing your Boo,

It's a huge one , and a real triumph, you must be feeling proud of yourself . for reacting against all the negative messages from your siblings .

Well done !!

Hugs hedge

I probably should be, but I'm not. I'm sure it would help him as well if I was more relaxed about things.
It's not that I haven't considered it and thought about the good it would do him -- it's just that I don't know where I would fit it in right now.
And I know I should make time for myself -- I know all the arguments.

I have some anxiety issues, not never more than a momentary depression. No matter how bad things get, I always know that we'll get through it and that there's an answer somewhere -- I tend to panic, but I never lose hope -- so I'll be OK. These forums have been a kind of therapy for me -- it's meant so much to me to know that he's not the only one with these problems and that they are manageable even if they never go away.

Thanks to both of you for the nice comments.

((( Slw )))

This is great to hear , that DF helps you to cope with your son . This is what this forum is all about , taking people out of their isolation , having a place to touch ground in , talking to members who understand .

Coming here is a way of self care too , and often the first step in recovery . Slw resourcing yourself is important , as you know , is there anyway you can just take a little time out for just yourself , a nice lunch with a friend , a little shopping trip for something frivolous .

hugs hedge

we just got back from st. croix for a week's vacation -- we did lots of frivolous stuff there.
today, i went with my husband to lunch after he had lab work done -- he's having elbow surgery next Monday.
i'm not really concerned about "things" so much, so shopping is more of a necessary evil to me.

what i really need to do is find time to get some exercise in -- about 20 or 30 minutes on the treadmill & i'm like a new person -- there's no problem I can't solve and nothing I can't get through. maybe i'll do that tonight after i finish working.

when i talk about not having time, it's more that i don't want to have anything else on schedule -- i do things on impulse all the time
besides a full-time job, i have my son's psychiatrist, psychologist, dermatologist appts to make sure he keeps
my husband is in & out of the dr's office all the time for elbow & back issues -- he needs to start going to the chiropractor as well
i don't have to go to all of it, but if I have questions or want to know something, it's easier for me to go and ask during the appt than to try to get the answer later.
i'll get my stuff in when i have them back under control.
everyone that I know, knows about my son's issues. i've alway's refused to act like any of his issues are anything to be embarrassed about and everyone's always supportive. there's not really anything that they can do to help, but it's nice that they listen. almost everyone that i've come across has either had a problem of their own or a friend/relative with issues. the only real help i think that i need is to understand a little more about what I should do with my son and how to let go of him a little without completely deserting him. i'm kind of an all or nothing kind of person so it's hard for me to gradually do things. my biggest stressor right now is that they just don't seem able to find the right med combination for him -- sometimes, it seems like they have it right for a little while, but it never lasts more than a few weeks.

sorry for hijacking your thread like this.

((( Slw )))

It is great to hear that you do have fun times . and you are not hijacking my thread , it was meant as a sharing place ,
and I am very pleased that you came and shared here .Your experience is valuable for all parents with children who have difficulties and mental disorders . You don't mention his age . It would be nice to know .

Do you have a little personal boo you would like to share with us . a standing up to someone ?

hugs hedge

He just turned 18 and a senior in high school -- which makes it harder in a way because I know I have to let go soon in some ways no matter what.
But, i've told him that he could be 50, and if I think he's having a problem -- i'll be there no matter what. If he doesn't want me there, they'll have to lock me up to keep me away. I think it's so sad to see celebrities that have problems & end up dead with no family around until it's too late. I'm sure this happens to regular people too, but you never hear about it. To explain that, he has a psychosis that leaves him delusional & extremely paranoid when it acts up -- the kind of thing that can leave a person in jail or wandering around homeless if they manage to avoid treatment.

personal boo's -- i've alway's been very independent & not afraid of confrontation when it's needed -- so I've never really thought about it in this context.
oh -- when i was 13 my biological mother (her parents raised me and I didn't see her often) got mad at me and said i would be pregnant by the time i was 15 (when she had me) and she would put me in reform school then started to insult my stepmother that she had never met -- we ended up in a physical altercation which was short-lived but kind of put her in her place. i don't recommend ever starting anything physical, but i didn't start it. my grandparents were great, we were pretty poor but i can't complain about my childhood at all. the thing is, that i still can't quite believe that my biological mother came from the same family as the rest of us. she's very materialistic & shallow -- more concerned about appearances than anything else -- the kind of person who thinks they're better than everyone else based mostly on money & looks -- maybe it's just because for her, there's not much below the surface. either way, i'm very grateful that my grandparents took me from her and she didn't ever want me back.

other than that, i was very lucky growing up and never had any other issues. my grandparents always made me feel like i could do most anything that i wanted to do. i managed to get through college using grants & loans & working as much as I can. i've been lucky to get a good job when i finished and i've been married for 19 years. our son has had issues, but he's still here & we're working through them. through everything, i'm always glad that we've had him and while i wish he didn't suffer so much, i would never want him to be a different person. in many ways, we are extremely lucky and i count our blessings everyday. so many people have it much worse.