Here is the other half of Anger Management:

ANGER MANAGEMENT II

ANGER INVENTORY (RATE 1-5) RANK YOUR ANGER IN THE FOLLOWING SITUATIONS:
1. NO ANNOYANCE
2. LITTLE IRRITATED
3. UPSET
4. QUITE ANGRY
5. VERY ANGRY

__ You've overheard people joking about you or your family
_ You're not being treated with respect or consideration
_ You're hounded by a salesperson from the moment you
         walk into a store
_ Someone offers continual, unsolicited advice
_ You've had a busy day and the person you live with
          greets you with complaints about what you haven't
          finished
_ Someone comments on your being overweight/
           underweight
_ You're singled out for correction while the actions
          of others go unnoticed
_ You're in a discussion with someone who persists
           in arguing about a topic s/he knows very little
           about
_You're trying to discuss something important with someone
            who isn't giving you a chance to talk or express
             your feelings
_ Someone is given special consideration because of his/
            her popularity, good looks, financial position or
            family status
_ TOTAL

ANGER STYLES

ESCALATING

DO YOU ESCALATE TO RAGE?_
DO YOU TRY TO CONTROL, BUT LOSE CONTROL?_

"Escalators" blame and shame the "provoker".
"Escalating" often leads to abusive situations.

Some reasons we escalate are:
1. feeling "I have no other choice"
2. to demonstrate an image of strength/power
3. to avoid expressing underlying emotions
4. fear of getting close to someone
5. it's a learned behavior (but, it can be unlearned)
6. lack of communication skills

Consequences/Problems:
1. desired results may be short-term
2. possible physical destruction
3. impairs relationships
4. compromises physical and mental health
5. legal ramifications

STUFFING

DO YOU TEND TO "STUFF" YOUR ANGER?
DO YOU TEND TO AVOID DIRECT CONFRONTATION?

"Stuffers" can deny anger...They may not admit to themselves
   or to others that they are angry.
"Stuffers" may not be aware that they have the RIGHT to be angry.

Some reasons we "stuff" are:
1. fear of hurting/offending someone
2. fear of being dislikes or rejected
3. fear of losing control
4. feeling it's innappropriate (not ok) to be angry
5. feeling unable to cope with such an intense/strong emotion
6. fear of damaging/losing a relationship
7. it's a learned behavior (but, it can be unlearned)
8. trying to use a different style than the one I was raised
    with

Consequences/Problems:
1. anger comes out-regardless
2. impairs relationships
3. compromises physical and mental health

With the information about "escalating" and "stuffing", you can identify your style (if you find yourself in either catagory). If you don't fall in the one or other, you have managed to control your anger in a positive manner. This is another tool to use to change yourself into a more positive person.

I dont understand?

Jamin,

Maybe reading the thread that preceded this one would help you. It is way down on page 2 or 3 of this room, so I'll give you the link to it. Basically, this is all (both threads) tools to help you recognize where your anger is coming from and ways to deal with it.

Anger Management I

Karen

I don't understand my anger. I can be at home in a wonderful mood and for no reason it switches. All the sudden I am angry and yelling and so mad I have a hard time controlling it. I didn't use to be this way. Why am I like that and how do I fix it.

Most people do not understand the underlying cause of anger. I would see a professional for help in recognizing your anger and how to work in getting it under control or changing your behavior. Did you read Anger Management Part One? These topics are only introductions to self-help and not meant to be a "fix" for your mental health issues. We can give you support only and this is not meant to excude professional help.
Sheepwoman

Ok, so I got a score of 28 is that bad, it looks bad.

Hi Isabeau,
I was there as well. (I'm a guy, if you didn't already know).
It really depends on your mental condition of the moment when you take the 'survey'.
With me, I was completely down in the dumps and my negative self-talk was running rampant.
No matter what, in situations like that, your score is looking 'not so good' since your
negative self-talk is playing ugly tricks on you.
Getting a grip on anger and being able to turn it into a positive force in your life that leaves
room for the assertiveness and respect to stay within proper bounds of discourse takes a lot
of work. My T compared it with doing a PhD on yourself and I have to agree with him.
My work consisted of doing AND presenting in Group therapy:
1. Escalation-prevention plan.
Describe every little thing that that causes me to get my anger to rise, even in very little things
and classify them according to severity and step-up to other levels of escalation.
2. My personal time-out plan.
Describe how, where and when to decide to take a break from destructive/inappropriate behavior
and how to negotiate this with those that are involved.
3. My personal abuse inventory from earliest to Now.
Very self-confronting, because it requires one to face the uglyness in ones-self and how it
may have impacted others.
4. My family or origin description.
Huge! and Hugely difficult since I had to go back to the deepest and most deeply repressed
memories and desribe them in detail. For me this was the most difficult and triggering part
bacause it bared all the skeletons in my closets and all the rotting corpses in my emotional
backyard, including those of my own previous healthy selves that were murdered.
Thank God no real ones.
5. Letters to those who played roles in #4 above.
Whether you send them or not, it is the contents and personal honesty with which to confront
what happened and for me it opened a way to the forgiveness that I am still working on.
===
Along the way, there were many personal evaluations in Group where influnces of social-
(male vs. female) entitlements were examined and where building of personal toolsets of how
to modify one's behavior in a more constructive, assertive, empathitic and respectfull way.
Inappropriate anger is LEARNED. We are Taught to become anger-addicts and very often
the teachings are base of what society expects from us and what society sees as valid
role-models. Throw in abuse, brutal sanctions and violence and you get abusive, brutally violent
people like I used to be. I have learned to modify my anger behaviors but it is an ongoing battle
that will not end before they shove me into my wooden sleeping-bag. I have decided to start
liking to constantly learn.
I hope this, coming from a recovering Anger-addict, helps you a little.
I wish you all the love, strength and light on your path.
Lupercus.

Crikey,,,,,,30 but then I know I am negative. Working on it!

Good On YA DAISY, Your on your way


Thanks for your post Its so good to hear from someone who has gone through it. Well Done Its an encouragement to read about and I feel like its gives me hope on a path that I need to take.

I have never really thought about going to a group because I get anxious so much, but as I write I am thinking that is also something I need to overcome social anxiety. The feeling of not fitting in anywhere.

I use to at one stage be able to control my anger better, but it seems to have disappeared and I feel like I am more angry then ever. I do really want to be able to deal with it better.

I get sad thinking about it often, I feel like I cant fix it or control it now, but after reading your post I feel like I can have a go at trying to be better with it.

Thank YOU so so much,
Isabeau

Wow...31

Dear Isabeau,
That is a brave conclusion that you have arrived at and one that you owe to yourself.
I never expected to refind the joy and the serenity of a clear mind before I went into therapy.
Another thing that was very important was that I (re)learned to distinguish between shame and guilt.
I found that Shame is always projected by others with the objective to exert control over you against your desires and sometimes against your own values and is by its nature self-compromising and therefore unhealthy.
By the same token, True guilt invariably comes from within yourself and has to do with your own values and giving you the possibility to correct, repair or truly accept consequences. It is therefore self-empowering and as such a healthy way of on the one hand avoiding denial and on the other accepting responsibility.
It took me a long time to figure that one out, but once I knew the difference, I became much more capable of assertion and avoiding self-defeating and destructive tendencies in myself. That way I became or was able to restore myself to being a much more enjoyable, whole and honest person.
Am I fully there yet? Naw, as I mentioned in previous post, it is an ongoing process that will have no definite end, but I find joy in each tiny little bit of progress and subsequently in every little bit of joy that I can bring to others.
Be kind, be happy, be yourself and don't forget to be kind to and happy with yourself.
Lupercus

This post has been edited by Lupercus: Jan 29 2008, 09:56 AM

QUOTE

Dear Isabeau,
That is a brave conclusion that you have arrived at and one that you owe to yourself.
I never expected to refind the joy and the serenity of a clear mind before I went into therapy.
Another thing that was very important was that I (re)learned to distinguish between shame and guilt.
I found that Shame is always projected by others with the objective to exert control over you against your desires and sometimes against your own values and is by its nature self-compromising and therefore unhealthy.
By the same token, True guilt invariably comes from within yourself and has to do with your own values and giving you the possibility to correct, repair or truly accept consequences. It is therefore self-empowering and as such a healthy way of on the one hand avoiding denial and on the other accepting responsibility.
It took me a long time to figure that one out, but once I knew the difference, I became much more capable of assertion and avoiding self-defeating and destructive tendencies in myself. That way I became or was able to restore myself to being a much more enjoyable, whole and honest person.
Am I fully there yet? Naw, as I mentioned in previous post, it is an ongoing process that will have no definite end, but I find joy in each tiny little bit of progress and subsequently in every little bit of joy that I can bring to others.
Be kind, be happy, be yourself and don't forget to be kind to and happy with yourself.
Lupercus

Its taken me awhile to get back to your post, even though I wanted to, just had a very hard time. But in the last few days I think I have learnt what Shame & Guilty are. I have never really thought of them very different. But just reading your post and how you explained them, helped me understand them better. THANK YOU :) I think I have heaps more to understand on them.

I think I really understood Shame properly in the last couple of days due to what has happened to me. Its exactly how you wrote the meaning is what has happened. I always take things and make them my fault which doesnt help me it just makes me hate myself more. But in the last few days, I think I am starting to do a little better at it.

You inspire me!!!,
Thank YOU
Isabeau

Just need to come back and add I am a STUFFER

"Stuffers" may not be aware that they have the RIGHT to be angry.

Some reasons we "stuff" are:
1. fear of hurting/offending someone
2. fear of being dislikes or rejected
3. fear of losing control
4. feeling it's innappropriate (not ok) to be angry
5. feeling unable to cope with such an intense/strong emotion
6. fear of damaging/losing a relationship
7. it's a learned behavior (but, it can be unlearned)
8. trying to use a different style than the one I was raised
with

Consequences/Problems:
1. anger comes out-regardless
2. impairs relationships
3. compromises physical and mental health

I dont really know why I need to add that, but I feel I had to.
Isabeau