What is assertiveness? It is a means of clearly communicating what you need to say. The following examples describe ways people communicate. Do you fit into any of these catagories? Changing how you communicate with others will not only improve your confidence but will give you a sense of empowerment.

ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

PASSIVE:  I talk softly and give œcold fish? handshakes. I  don™t stand up for my rights. I tend to avoid conflicts and disagreements. People take advantage of me! I have trouble saying œno?, and then I™m angry and resentful.

ASSERTIVE: I am an effective communicator, able to express my needs and thoughts. I™m honest, direct and confident. I make good eye contact and speak with a firm voice!

AGGRESSIVE: I often violate others by using my power, position and language. I always get my way, even if I need to step on people to get there.  I speak in a loud voice and don™t care where or when I œblast? some-one! I can be abusive. I give vise-like handshakes. I like to get even!

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE: Is a category of behavior and communication associated with indirect aggression. It takes the form of a passive, but non-confrontive style:
I™m sarcastic and sly-often feeling one way, but doing  something else. I like to be critical of advice and direction of others. Sulking, pouting, dawdling, procrastinating and being chronically late are common characteristics of my behavior. Negative and pessimistic, I often feel like a victim and have difficulty accepting responsibility. Sometimes I dress inappropriately for social or occupational activities. At work, I sabotage the efforts of others and often have educational and social failures. I often feel envious and resentful and am subtly antagonistic.

WE ARE PEOPLE WITH FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, WANTS AND NEEDS

SITUATION: A FRIEND OR CO-WORKER MAKES FUN OF YOUR    
                        INABILITY TO DO SOMETHING.

PASSIVE RESPONSE: Say nothing, withdraw, internalize hurt feelings, feel hesitant to try new things.

AGGRESSIVE RESPONSE: Verbally degrade him/her in front of others.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE RESPONSE: Undermine a task that he/she attempt to do-set him/her up for failure without saying anything directly.

ASSERTIVE RESPONSE: Say œI feel hurt and angry that you said those things to me. I™d rather you give me direct, helpful feedback, instead of teasing me.

ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

I have the right to:
Say œNO?.
Be competent and proud of my accomplishments.
Feel and express anger.
Be treated as a capable human being.
Make mistakes and be responsible for them.
Change a situation.
Say, œI don™t know, I don™t agree, and I don™t understand.?
Be treated with respect.
Express my needs, opinions, thoughts, ideas, and feelings.
Judge my own behavior and be responsible for it.
Take pride in my body and define attractiveness in my own terms.
Have a support system.
Be myself and have a separate identity.
Structure my own time priorities.
Request help and receive information from others.
Ask and not assume.
Have privacy.
Say, œI™m not willing to accept that responsibility.?
Be imperfect.
Grow, learn, change, and to value my age and experience.
Recognize MY needs as important.

Whew!  Thanks, Sheepwoman.  There is so much here that fits me, as I am very passive (and very angry about that, I think!).

I will need to re-read this often; there is so much I need to learn!

Karen

Oh my....I need so much work!
Thank you for posting that. I had gotten a list of my 'rights' from the emotional abuse therapist I was seeing....but they were nothing like that! Those make way more sense! *huge hugs* Thank you!!

Blinded,
I would be interested to see what rights your therapist gave you. Maybe some of them would be appropriate to add to the list. Working on ourselves is one of the most positive things we can do for ourselves and is part of learning how to take care of ourselves. Happy that you are reading these topics.
They are steps to learn for coping skills.
Thank you,
Sheepwoman

I threw the list away, but I found a very similar list. Sorry, I never thought I'd be using them again....I couldn't make the information stick. you know how you can hear something 100 times and only once it will make sense?  :idea3:

Here's the list:
The right to good will from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other ad to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answer to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free form emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outburst and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
The right to have your children in a safe and loving enviroment.


These are really close to what you said, but at the time...I didn't feel like they were just. I wasn't well enough to support myself or seek out those to help me. I just wanted the whole thing to go away. Just stop. Be forgotten. Unfortunatly that isn't how it heals.  
I am happy to be reading these as well. I want so much to be able to hold my head up everyday and be proud to be me for once.

Blinded,
Thank you for sharing your list. It will add to the list In the affirmation portion here.

Taking small steps in your life will lead to healing your inner self. Love yourself and you will actually be able to move forward.
Sheepwoman

Thank you Sheepwoman! :big hugs:  :D

I found that list! It was buried in my closet....So here it is. This is the list that is given to each woman when they enter a Woman's Shelter:

I Have the Right

I have the right to be in a safe, non-violent home. I do not have to accept physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.

I have the right to make mistakes. I do not have to be told that I am not good enough.

I have the right to make my own decisions and be respected for my intelligence.

I have the right to follow my own interests

I have the right to focus on my needs. I do not have to be in a relationship that does not encourage my well-being.

I have the right to challenge another person and to discuss the problems this person behavior creates for me.

I have the right to believe that I have a good memory and can remember things accurately.

I have the right to change my own mind.

I have the right not to answer a question.

I have the right to care for myself. I do not have to feel guilty or responsible. I am not obligated to fulfill the needs of a man who was mistreated emotionally or physically by his parents, served time in jail, or has a drug or alcohol problem.

I have the right to have a man arrive on time. I do not have to accept excuses for behavior that is unacceptable.

I have the right to express how I feel. My feelings are important and deserve to be listened to.

I have the right to have trust agreements kept with me regarding my body, my emotions and my child or children.

I have the right to have a man who is sexually faithful.

I have the right to be proud of myself and my achievements.

I have the right to provide a healthy environment for myself and my child or children.

Like Ados I find myself to be passive. I easily withdraw with hurt feelings. I also find myself to be angry for being so passive at times. I feel stupid 'cause I'm aware of my attitude but I'm too scared to speak up. But well, being angry with yourself is a terrible waste of energy, isn't it? I'll try to make some changes, one step at a time.

Thanks Sheepwoman!

Autumn

Wow.
I am normally assertive in a positive way. I generally have no problems expressing my opinions or speaking up when I perceive an injustice, and so on. I can speak to people confidently and directly.
But my how things change when wrapped up in depression. I am a different person. Knowing that the illness changes my personality in such a drastic way is a defeating feeling.

This post has been edited by wheels: Oct 23 2005, 04:19 AM

Autumn and Wheels,
Thank you for your input. Deoression can change your responses from assertive to passive or agressive. It takes one step at a time to learn the proper assertiveness for yourself. Try to practice using assertiveness in one situation until you feel comfident enough to expand into other areas. You will find that people will respect you more for your positive responses.
Sheepwoman

Ow boy, I think I lost track again

Sometimes it seems like I just don't bother to talk or speak my mind anymore. Like it's/I'm just not worth it.
*sighs* I don't get it


Autumn

I don't have a list but man do I need help in this area, thanks for the lists

You're welcome, KT. I hope you can make these lists a mantra for you on a daily basis. I have them pinned to a wall. When I begin to feel bad, I revert to reading everything in this list.
Sheepwoman

I'm going to print these out and pin these up too! Thanks so much. I need to do work on my passive- to passive-agressive responses.

One more Edit:

I think I read this post wrong, and was keeping in mind my previous knowledge of these different types of behavior, instead of viewing it as a stand alone piece of writing. The way this post is written it makes all of these behaviors seem like they always turn out bad or abusive unless you are assertive, and I am genuinely confused by it. So I will try and give my perspective better today, and hopefully in a more positive way. I see lots of positives that can come from each of these, as well as negatives.

Passive= When something goes wrong and there is nothing you can do about it, having a passive attitude is the only way to get over it. Otherwise you will find yourself in an endless struggle trying to fix it. I know because I struggle very much with this one.

Aggressive= When being assertive fails it is often better to defend your rights to the best of your ability, than sit passively while you are being hurt. Assertiveness usually fails when you are in relationships where people do not care about you.

Assertive= Probably the most useful I agree. When people actually do care about you, letting them know how you feel is the most important thing to having healthy relationships. Otherwise, you will be stuck expressing your feelings to someone that either isn't interested or will abuse you for them.

Passive Aggressive= Like it or not, their are certain types of people that are best avoided, and sometimes you can do something to keep them away. By thinking a bit ahead you can avoid a lot of people that you know you wouldn't like in the first place. This can be on extreme levels like not wearing neo-nazi propaganda, and on more subtle levels by wearing/notwearing the latest fashion. Depending on what you want, (I personally do not like evil or shallow people) you would be doing different things, but being a bit passive aggressive can be a very important tool to keeping undesirables out of your life.

I hope this explains my viewpoint a lot better. I was not doing well when I tried to explain it the last time. This post definately made me think, so good job on that one.

This post has been edited by chaku: Mar 6 2006, 12:22 PM