Ugh. I have been fighting depression fiercely this last 2 weeks. My husband leaves for Kuwait on thursday. I will be totally alone for 5 weeks. So I have been switched to Zoloft (50mg) and taken down from prozac from 60mg to 40mg. I am now going to CBT. I have written a list of things I can do for that month he is gone because I will just stand there totally lost and not know what to do if I don't have the list. I take Adderall twice a day. It seems to be the only thing that is keeping the thoughts at bay. Doc doesn't want me to stop them yet. I have done major cleaning in my house so that during that month, I can just focus on CBT and my list. I have been feeling pretty good this week. Until yesterday.

Yesterday was when I realized he is leaving in a week. REALLY realized it. So he and I sat on the couch holding hands all night watching TV. I think the trigger was the realization of how close it is. So I sat there most of the night just staring. I couldn't focus on anything. My brain didn't seem to be working. No thoughts, no feelings. Just darkness. This is the beginning of my spiral. I had only taken one Adderall yesterday because of the timing. So this morning I got up with the intention of taking my pills and doing something to keep me busy.

It took me 30 minutes before I could take my pills. My depression came on so fast. I mean I woke up with it but I thought I would have a window of opportunity to take the pills before my brain started working. The thoughts started right away. This time they are not saying "you're no good', 'you're stupid' etc. This time is "he's not coming home." I have abandonment issues. Just that everyone who has come into my life has left. Either died or just left. That is why I don't want friends. My dad died when I was 4. My mom's longtime boyfriend died. He was like a father to me. My mom died, my brother abandoned the family, over the years, boyfriends, friends, etc have come into my life and now I don't ever hear from them. I am talking long time, grow up with these people, kinds of friends. All gone and for no reason.

I know my husband is going to a safe place. Realistically, I know he is coming home. He is not directly in the war. More off to the side of the war. We are madly in love. There is no reason he shouldn't come home. But I have this fear that he will be taken away from me too.

So I have been sitting here. Like a lost little child not being able to find my way. The depression is at my door and forcing it's way in. I was expecting this but no matter how much you expect it, it still feels out of control. I am trying not to cry. I don't think I will make it through the day though without crying. I don't know what else to do. I thought maybe the pills were starting to work. The side effects have stopped so I thought that it (pills) was in my system. They still don't work. Adderall works but I don't think it is going to be enough. I am not suicidal. I want my husband to go. But d***... this feeling is never going to end. What else can I do?

I know this must be so difficult and scary for you. And sometimes expecting the depression/chaos that's going to hit only makes it more terrible and frightening. Sometimes knowing your 'patterns' only increases anxiety and paranoia. At least that's how it ends up for me. I also have an abandonment disorder; sometimes it gets so obsessive that I have to follow my husband around literally everywhere he goes. I become so terrifed that if I can't see him, he's going to die or leave me or just disappear. It's frustrating because I know it's seen by those who don't understand I'm dealing with real (if irrational) fears think I'm just being clingy or needy. It really upsets me.

But I would say be proud of yourself for planning to focus on your CBT, and I think it's a great effort to make a list to focus yourself when the time comes. Those are good, proactive ways to look ahead and help yourself when you're going through this. I'm not sure how probable this is, but is there a friend or family member who could stay with you, at least part of the time, while your husband is in Kuwait? Or maybe someone you could stay with? Perhaps having someone you know close to you will help distract you from your loneliness until he comes home.

I also know that when my abandonment fears start overwhelming me, it helps to force myself to focus on the rational. My therapist suggested this to me, and that is to sit down and write out my fears and then answer questions like: What proof do I have that this is the ONLY way this is going to end?, etc. Or I just try to write down all the things I know are rational thoughts, like I know my husband isn't going to disappear if I fall asleep before he comes to bed.

I hope I haven't rambled too much, but I really wanted to try to offer some support and encouragement to you. You're looking ahead, trying to anticipate and prepare, and I think that shows that you're strong enough to get through this. I know that a lot of people here on the DF are willing to listen anytime you need to vent, so keep posting whenever you need some support!

What your feeling is REAL! I want to confirm that for you. ITs not unreasonable to fear and dread things you have experienced. Realize that its going to be double because of your past experiences. So you need to distinguish wich is the "today" feeling and which is the "yesterday" feeling. This may help you. I know its helped me.
You need someone. We all do. Even I do as much as I deny it. I dont care for people in general. Most are let downs.
I really have no answer for you other to try and find a counselor or someone you trust that has a shoulder to lend.

The feeling of impending abandonment by your hub leaving for Kuwait is real. You must believe; however, that he WILL be returning. Get him some calling cards so he can call you. You will then have RL conversations while he is away.

Having a "to do" list while he is away will keep you focused and distracted during the day. I know you will be very lonely at night. Do you have anyone you could call occasionally? Having someone stay with you is a good idea also.

CBT can help you while you are alone. You can bring up your abandonment issues and how to build coping strategies around them.

Above all, keep posting in your thread. We are here to listen and give you support. You won't be alone with us nor will you feel abandoned.
Sheepwoman

I have been living for awhile and have had the experience of people 'leaving' by either death or just life going on. I know what it is to feel lonely and have no one around who doesn't really know me. I started a new job about 6mo. ago where people have been working together for years and went out of their way to make me feel like an outsider, and it really hampers the motivation of wanting to go to work and get the job done.

Sitting around never is good for depressed people as we focus on our cups being half empty. I know I can get the anxiety on a roll and upset myself with these negative thoughts. I think you are on the right track by having a list of what you can do to keep busy. Look at what you are really interested in doing and persue these kinds of things. I know years ago, I lived by myself for the first time at 37 years old. Talk about lonely! What an adjustment that was!!!! I had to sit down and figure out what I wanted my life to be, and the first thing I did was get a cat, of all things! I wasn't as lonely with him to focus on and wait for me when I get home from work. The second thing I did was go out and buy paint and painted the livingroom, bathroom and kitchen in colors I liked. It really made the place feel like my home. I then started to pick up new hobbies and took ceramic classes, which I eventually taught. I guess it was a happier time in my life! I wish I had that much private time to my disposal!

We are all cheering you on that the time will fly by. Keeping busy is a big part of this. Maybe volunteering would take some free time off your hands, too. I did plenty of this as a teen and want to do this if I ever get into retirement, lol!


CBT is a great therapy to get into. It teaches skills to change your thoughts to keep you in a better emotional state. There's plenty to learn and it's a different way to perceiving what's going on. It's helpful to us depressed people who tend to view life with 'dark' glasses.

Lots of Love,

Jackie