I am so utterly sick of myself. I feel overwhelmed with self-loathing and distaste. I look in the mirror and I can't help but mock myself, to and past the point of tears, because I ******* hate the way I look. I feel ugly and literally disgusting. I look at myself and I can't stand it. I don't understand how anyone that knows me can be around me but not hate me.

Tonight my family and me went out to dinner (me, husband, sister, baby niece, mom, and step-dad). And I was trying so ******* hard to be in a good mood, even though I had this dark, sick feeling inside myself. I was trying so hard to make an effort to be normal, to be outgoing and a participant in conversations, etc. But everything I said was the wrong thing, and all I did was irritate everyone at the table. I was too ******* manic. I can't control it. I was trying so hard to be happy, and it just flew over the top, and I was too hyper and excited, I couldn't tone it down. But I thought, it'll be okay, everyone will notice I'm trying. But no. I was ******* torn apart. And a couple of times I tried to bounce back still, and have a good time, but I was shot down over and over again.

I feel like I am half a person. I feel like half of me hasn't grown up, is still locked somewhere inside me, underdeveloped and ugly. I hate my personality. I've tried over and over to change it, to be someone else, to mold my core into someone that people like to be around. I just can't. I despise myself. I get so frustrated I just attack myself with fists and nails, and I leave bruises and gashes, to punish myself for being so ******* disgusting and unlikeable. It gets to the point where I literally make myself sick. Already I know that I'm going to spend half the night sobbing and throwing up, and it's ******* pathetic, and I hate myself even more for it.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. Does anyone else deal with themselves as their own worst enemy? I know the answer is yes. I just feel like I can't ******* deal with myself tonight. I'm feeling very jagged and raw around the edges, and I want to hurt myself, and I just can't take it. Where do I put these intense feelings of self-hate? How do I channel them out, away from myself? I have so much rage in me, directed brutally at myself, and I don't know where it's coming from or how to get rid of it. I don't even want to try. I just want to curl up in a corner and be forgotten.

Avery, honey, I hope you don't hurt yourself tonight. The physical pain will not remove the emotional pain you're already feeling. Obviously you have a husband and family who love you--it sounds like it is you who needs to be convinced that you're lovable. Who knows how or why we end up with some of the notions we have about ourselves? Whatever the reason, you have feelings that are not healthy for you, and it would be good for you to get some help working through them so that you can enjoy life more and not always be the "worst enemy" you fear you are. Have you ever seen a counselor or therapist?

I hope you'll get some rest, some music or a movie. You tried, and that's all anyone can do on their own.

I totally understand your feelings. I deal with them on an almost daily basis. I cant offer you much advice because I am in a similar situation still and obviouslyhavnt found a way out.
You have a loving husband and family so there must be something good in you that you don't see. I know mppl have said stuff to me like that before and it doesnt really help... sorry, hind of lost for words. Guess I am just hoping that it will help knowing someone else is in the same boat.
Take care
des.

You evidently have people who love you and do not share the same feelings about yourself. We sometimes overreact in situations that we can make stressful trying to be something other than ourself. Self- hate and loathing are some of the results of the overreaction. Trying to be relaxed in company is very difficult when manic or depressed. I am bipolar and know how this can affect me when in company. It's that little self-control wizard that gets out of line and makes us do things that we normally would not.

Are you currently under treatment by a pdoc or a tdoc? If so, have you brought up what happens to you when socializing with family or friends? It would be beneficial if you did so these issues could be resolved.

I know it's so hard to like urself at any given time, but we need to love and nurture our inner-self more than anything else in the world.
Sheepwoman

Yes, it is very difficult. I feel like I can never really be myself in front of people. I feel like I'm always falling short, and even when I try to be what they're looking for, it's not good enough. And I feel like people are always ready to assume the worst about me, if I say something that comes out wrong, for instance, instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt. I don't even get a chance to explain my side of it, it's just blown into something huge where I'm a bad person for trying to upset everyone around me.

I need to get back into therapy, I know. I'm waiting on new insurance to start up, and then I'm going to go back to therapy. I want to try CBT, but is that something I should request when attempting to find a new therapist in this area (I just recently moved)?

CBT is a therapy I endorse. It worked wonders for me. It's a lot of self work, but I think in the long run it is well worth it. I'm currently still in it as there are so many changes I have yet to make. Change does not come easily and may take years to make it successfully. CBT is a great confidence and self-esteem builder, which is very important in the role of recovery.
Sheepwoman