I am going thru a very difficult time, it's been since one whole week that, i've found out from my 18 year old daughter that, she is doing strip dancing to make an income. i've confronted her, and we talked about it. she insists that, this is what she loves doing, and she's very happy.
I am in a lot of pain and feeling helpless, with what i am going thru. we have talked, and as much as i tried to explain to her that, i find her way of making a living unacceptable, and it can do much harm to her in the long run, she will not listen, and tells me that she's got it under control.
"God" is this scary for me, because i feel that i am not doing enough to help her get out of this situation that she's in.
i have stressed to my daughter, that i am her mother, and always will be. i have also stressed that, the i love her dearly always, no matter what, and i pray that she gets herself out of this job soon.
also, i have told her that i can no longer help her in any financial way, with her car insurance, or buying another car, until she changes her course with her life. but reassured her that, i am here for her always.
yes i am feeling very depressed, also i am not telling anyone in the family, being the grand mothehr's, her dad, her cousins and uncles about the way she's making a living. the only one that know is her 22 year old sister.
my 22 year old daughter, decided she doesn't want to have any contact with her what's so ever for now. but i am her mother, and continue to call her every day just to hear that she is alright.
every free time i have, and she has we do get together, but it doesn't happen to often, maybe once or twice weekly.
i often wonder how other mother's handle this kind of a situation?
the other day i was on the verge of crying, and needed to reach out. i was working at a shopping mall, helping my 22 year old daughter with her business. on my break i went upstairs to the food court, and looking to sit down with someone to talk to, and share my pain with.
i saw an elderly lady, looking thru the window of a book store, and i reached out to her. telling her that i needed to talk, and had no one to listen to me.
she's given me her undivided attention, and i broke down in tears telling her about all that i am going thru with my daughter. she listened, and reassured me that, my daughter will be ok, down the road, and "God" will continue to give me the strength to love her unconditionally.
it was a conincidence, for this gentle old woman, who's been there for me, she's shared her pain and tears with me, about her elder son of four children being an alcoholic, and the suffering his family is going thru. at the end of our conversation, we were both in tears and hugging and praying for each other, that "God" will protect us all, and help us to get thru our difficulties.
i am feeling very tired and hurt still, with thinking that, maybe if i was to tell someone in the family, they might be able to help her get out of this living she's in.
but i don't feel that i have that right, because it will hurt my family, and also the fact that, she's of legal age, and it's her personal life, not wanting to disrespect her privacy.
deep down i feel like i've lost one daughter, like she's run away, from all of us. yet she's still here, cause i see her, and talk to her.
i need words of support and advice, just to hold me up thru this very difficult time that i am going thru.
thank you
rachel

((((((((((Rachel))))))))

I am sorry you have hit such a rough patch, I am not a mother so I can only imagine how hard it must be to be in your shoes right now. I am glad you told your daughter you loved her no matter what, she can be very lucky to have a loving and caring mother like you. I hope she will soon realize this is not the right path for her. I think she needs to be the one to realize that and know that she can always come to you when she is ready to quit this job.

Hope that helps a little
Take care and bless the older lady

Keep us posted!
SN

Sometimes letting go and letting them make their own mistakes is soooo hard. I am a mother of 2 boys, 24 & 19. My 24 year old had gotten mixed up in drugs. He was pretty bad but he hid it from me. When I found out (he told me) I told him to move back home so we could help. He did but I had to stand by and watch my son fall before he was able to stand on his own. It took a long time but my son is now clean. Has been for about 3 years.

My 19 year old just went away the other day to military medical training in Texas. He is my youngest and it was harder to watch him leave than my first son. Him leaving, made me feel like my job as a mother was over.

Both of my kids know my house is always open to them. But I cannot condone certain behaviors and I let them know it. I do what I can to help. I want them to be able to talk to me but I have to draw the line at being a friend or mother. Sometimes I have to just be the mother and tell them they are screwing up. it hurts. But I have to stand back and watch them. They will learn as will your daughter. What she does is no refection on the type of mother you are. Remember, when they are this age, they think the world revolves around them. It's a part of life. They feel that they are adults and don't need to be told what to do. Know what, there are ways around that. My oldest lives with his girlfriend. They were having problem and almost split. Both hot-headed. They would come over my house and I would "councel' them on relationships but in a way that during the conversations, THEY came up with answers. Mom's find ways of communicating and getting their opinion heard. Sometimes we have to be a bit sneaky. It's a learning process on both sides. I love my kids with all my heart. I had to let go and let them learn. Thats part of being a good mom. As long as she knows you are there for her, she will be okay.

I was reading the other day that young adults frequently don't reach real maturity until they are in their mid to late 20's. I can believe that as I have two in that category. It's really tough, I know, because you can't tell them what to do but you can see them making mistakes. Even though they seem not to be listening, I think underneath they hear what you say and your values are more ingrained than you think they are. I sure hope so. In the meantime, it is both frustrating and upsetting. Hang in there.

No one can say for sure, but I bet that your daughter will eventually come around and turn into a good person and mother -- just like you are. Keep us posted!

When I was younger I got mixed up in that type of lifestyle. It can go bad real fast. Although some women can do that for a living and still have a normal life outside of the club.
I know that I wouldnt listen to anyone and slowly distanced myself from friends and family because of my own shame.
I had to go through alot to learn. But I did learn. Took almost 2 years. Woke up one day and didnt like the person in the mirror looking back at me.
This is something your daughter is going to have to deal with when she is ready. Its not your fault. When we become adults we make our own choices. We know the difference between right and wrong. Although denial gets in the way and clouds our judgement.

I wish you comfort and peace.
Kristine

Well I don't know how to thank you enough, to all of you, sarah, sadsoul, momof7, and overtherainbow, thank you over and over again. all of you have given me the support i very much needed right now, I pray for "God" to protect you all and bless you.
"God" willing, she will find her way to safety, and i pray it happens soon, before she goest thru the worst of it. i pray each night that "God" carries her to staying safe, and give her the wisdom to know the difference. sadsoul, i can only imagine the strength you have to have gotten thru with seeing your son hitting rock bottom, i am sorry that you too had to go thru such struggles in your life, but again thank you for sharing. momof7, your experience of your past, having shared that with me, will built great faith in me that "God" willing she is going to be alright, i truly needed to hear all that you've said. rainbow, and sarah i thank you for your reassurement, and comforting words, from your mouth to God's ears.
me being of middle eastern backround, with much primitive way of thinking in my family, i find it difficult to lie, or to act as if, and therefore i am also avoiding my family whenever possible, for i feel the pain and sadness is showing right thru me.
i hope that one day i can help all of you, just the same like you've all helped me today, with great words of comfort, and in sharing your experiences.
rachel

We don't have control over our children when they get to that age, but my heart sure breaks for you. We already had one run in with Liz and alcohol, and for now, it's not an issue, but I know that she's alcoholic and she knows what her choices are.

I guess we'll just have to hold each other up in the meantime. I hate to hear that you are distancing yourself from your family due to shame you feel about what she is doing, but I know how it is when they flub up. We always think it's our fault, no matter what or who is influencing them to do these things. One thing I want you to remember is that it's their choice in what they are doing. We need to stand firm that we don't agree, but we're not going to turn our backs on them because we love them.

I'm glad to see you are back and sad to see the circumstances. Motherhood sure isn't easy!

Love, Jackie

(((((((((((((rachel))))))))))))
My niece dances in a club . She's been doing it a little over 3 years now. Right now she isn't dancing as the manager made her the manager of all the dancers. She does make good money and it has put her through college. She is now saving up to go to graduate school when she turns 35. I was appalled when I heard she was dancing. It isn't my way of thinking how she should be behaving. She's not my child and I know she has a good head on her shoulders. I still don't like the fact that she is working in that club, but I have no say in how she runs her life. My sis just goes with the flow. Her father tried his best to get her out of that job, too. My niece does what she wants to do. I am embaressed that she is working in that club and it was hard to tell my friends when they ask about her and what she is doing. At least, she is still communicating with us. She knows I don't approve of what she's doing so we try not to discuss her work situation. I am glad, however, that she is no longer dancing.

I know it's hard for you to talk about your daughters when family asks what they are doing. There will be a few members of your family who may go along with the knowledge of her dancing. You can just tell them that both your daughters are working. If you are asked what type of job, you can say that your daughter has a job but you know nothing about it and try to leave it lay.

My heart goes out to you.
Sheepwoman

Thank you Jackie, and Sheepswoman, i appreciate your support and comfort, even though it's been some time since i haven't been around here. jackie, i am sorry to hear about your daughter liz, my heart goes out to you as well, and i hope and pray that she'll be alright, and you will feel peaceful times with her. this is exactly what i told my daughter this morning on a phone call, that i will never turn my back on her, no matter what the circuimstances are. cause my love for her is to eternity.
sheepswoman, that is exactly the reason that my daughter tells me, there is great money in it, and she loves the attention, the dancing, etc..., and she reassures me that she is safe safe there.
my older daughter my whole family knows that she runs a business at the shopping mall, and works very hard. but for my younger daughter, when they do ask, i just tell them that she's a waitress at some place , while she's working on getting her ged. "God" willing her last part of the ged test is in two weeks.
sometimes it goes thru my mind that, what goes around comes around, and maybe i do deserve this kind of pain, for how i had made my mom suffer when i came out of the closet, and told her so. as much as she cried and cried, i still went on to live my life.
thanks, and i pray for healing for all of us
rachel

I don't know how you feel, but I do think you're being smart. I have 19 and 24 year old sons. They have not let me be in their lives very much, but I never miss the oppurtunity. I also avoid the family's inquiry into their personal lives. (as if I would know). I don't get told the real deal by my sons, but I do try to meet their friends, even though I don't approve of stripper, or groupie girlfriends. I have learned not expect to get the whole truth. I know I never told my Mom the real deal. But the more things change, the more they stay the same. Stick by your loved ones, is what we parents want to do. Seems like you are doing your best, and that should help a lot. If your daughter uses the money wisely, maybe it will be of help to her. I hope you have a good Mother's Day this year.

Hi! Is this for you a religious problem? A Mom wanting something better for her child problem? Are you more worried about what your family will say/think than your daughter's happiness?

What's wrong with dancing? How much does she strip? Is she within touching of the audience or is she well away? I danced until I was 18 - ballet, tap, French national. Culturally many years ago in the UK dancing was 'seen' as 'low' ......... until Vaudeville took over and girls gradually began to show that they did have talent and were not just there to titilate!

She's 18. You have let her know that you are not happy but it is her life. Instead of being critical, find out more about how she feels about the whole Club scenario. Maybe she feels a sense of being on control whilst she is performing? This is probably a passing phase to raise quick money ;-) and once she has saved what she needs she will find something more 'respectable'.

Continue to be in contact. Have topics to discuss with her rather than each phone call seeming like a critique. Starting with I hope you're fine, this is what I've done/read/seen today .......... listen, watch and wait. Hard I know but if she isn't in danger .............

good morning, i am almost on my way to work, but i have a need to thank you loljohn, and lizzy, for your support, and thoughts.
a strip dancer in this part of the united states is taking all your clothes off, in front of a male audience i hesitate into going to the details, and difficult for me"
thru my eyes i see my 18 year old daughter as an innocent little girl, and pray to "God" that this job will not lead her to danger, or any hurt, because it can, when one can be so naive, and needy.
maybe it's got to do with my religion in some sense, and my roots, but leaving that on the side, i know that if my mom, or her father hears this, it may lead to someone getting a heartattack, for they are quite primitive with their thoughts, and beliefs.
in the beggining when i heard all this it was the most painful thing, and very difficult for me to handle a casual conversation with my daughter, but as time heals all pain, i am putting my efforts in doing exactly that, to have great communication with her, and inquiring about her happiness, rather than focusing on my suffering.
thank you again for all of your support, and being here for me thru difficult and isolated times
"God" bless you
rachel

If she is safe then try not to 'nag'. She is probably proud of her body, I know I was of mine at her age ;-) but didn't need to go stripping to get money, fortunately I was in work earning enough to help Hubby through Uni.. Now .......... parts of me are moving Southwards <g> so I wouldn't be so keen to show 'all'.

I don't think your family will have heart failure, they might moan a bit about the 'younger generation' but then, when haven't the Oldies! Are you more worried about their reactions and how it will impact on you? This does *not* make you a bad mother ....... this means that you are letting your 'little girl' go, she is finding her own mistakes and hopefully will be open enough with you to discuss her road in Life. It might not be the road you would like but if you show an interest she can talk herself into the 'right' road.

Are you in the US or home?

thank you lizzy, i appreciate your input in this matter, it means a great deal, for i know that, you are quite intelligient, and indeed a sensible person, with lots of common sense, and truthfulness as well.
yes i agree with you that if i stop the nagging, she will be more open with me to share her life experiences, and i am defineteley acting that out with her. thank you for this idea lizzy.
this is a very serious matter, and it can cause a great deal of chaos, i know this as a fact, from past experiences. when one of my sisters married out of the religion, my parents have disowned my sister, and ripped a part of their garments, as if though she has died. they did not have any contact with her for over 5 years or so. it was awful, cause they had also influenced all of the rest of the family, not to have any contact with her.
also, when i came out of the closet to my mom, she acted as if though i died as well, we had no communication for quite some time. also most of my siblings had not accepted, and it was no communication with them either, so very painful and hard it was.
the first reason as to why i will not tell anyone in the family about my daughter is that, it is her life, her boundries, and her private life, it is up to her if she wants to tell her dad, or her grandparents from his side of the family. as for my part of the family, she knows very well what can happen, so she doesn't want to lose that contact with my mother in any way, or upset her in any way. therefore i know for sure she will lnot tell my part of the family.
i've given it a great deal of thought, and the answer is NO i am not worried of what people might think as to the kind of mother i might have been, that, my daughter has decided to go down this road. but, if i had to live my own life time experiences again, i would of just lived my private life without having to announce my identity to my family, because it will forever be sinful, and unacceptable.
therefore, i did suggest to my daughter to keep her life private if she chooses to stay on this course, and she had agreed as well, that this is her private life, and she is happy and careful.
i've been in israel for most of the winter, about three months, and i returned around mid march back to new york.
i realize more and more today that, we don't have to go announcing about every part of our lives, if it is going to have a negative impact on our loved ones.
frankly, if my elder daughter did not tell me about my younger daughter, i don't think i would of ever known, cause my younger daughter had told me that, she wasn't going to tell me, thinking that it might hurt me knowing all this.
unselfish she is, and loves me she does.
hope you and hubby are well, and thank you for your valuable support lizzy
rachel