My dear 14 year old daughter expressed suicidal feelings on Friday, and unknown to me, she did try to cut herself.

She told me on the way to get pizzas that she was planning to slit her wrists if I had left her alone (she had been crying all afternoon), and I was blown away. I immediately called our dear friend who is a family therapist and he and his lovely wife took care of her for the entire weekend. She was in a safe & loving place where she could vent, cry and talk if needed, or she could just relax.

I didn't find out about the cuts until this afternoon after church, and when she told me she cried herself to sleep on my shoulder and we napped for a couple of hours together. My heart was just broken that my little girl felt this miserable. She is very well spoken and is extremely good at expressing her thoughts, but for the last several weeks she had been moody & tired. I really chucked it all up to teenage mood swings, but now, looking back, there were signs.

She has been worried about my health, my depression, and my upcoming surgery (in May) plus carrying a heavy load at school. She also recently broke up with a boyfriend--but that was for the best-he was clinging on to her and really too much for her to handle.

Her cuts are very superficial, tiny and will heal. She said the pain stopped her. Anyone had any experience like this? I looked at the websites for teen sucide & didn't find much. Thanks.

This post has been edited by lostlady36: Mar 18 2007, 07:52 PM

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling so much.

I'm glad that she was able to talk to you about how she is feeling, She sounds as though she is in need of therapy. Were your therapist friends able to give you any recommendations?

You may find more information under self harm or self injury than under suicide. Self-harm is a different type of problem--the intent is not to kill oneself, but rather as either a relief from unberable tension and pain or to feel 'something' when one is so overwhelmed as to be numb.

KA

Ive no experience, sorry, but just wanted to leave a for you and your daughter.

I'm so glad that she felt that she could talk to you about what she was feeling. It's clear that you both have a good relationship.

If your therapist friends can't give you a reference, talk to your daughter's doctor. My pediatrician was able to refer us to someone who really helped my oldest son, twice - when he was in elementary school, then when he was experiencing problems in junior high. We also went back to him for our youngest son.

Ok guys--good news--Our girl appears to be feeling much better! Of course, we're still leaving the topic open with her and have worked out a plan for her to be with someone so that she won't be alone...for a while.

We spent a LOT of time talking and working out some things, and do have an appointment set for her to be at counseling, and our friends who had her over the weekend are always only a phone call away at all times. We also made an agreement that there would be no scissors in any place but the kitchen & that I could keep count of them at all times (we have several pairs). I am going to start researching this and the signs of impending trouble. I'm pretty deeply connected to her, and I missed the signs. Looking back now there were several signs that something was not right for a period of about 8 weeks.

Part of what helped her to feel better is that her best friend had a rough weekend with a lot of drama and problems...my girl said her problems all of a sudden felt small and not necessarily as bad as she thought. I am still weary and watchful, but now I am more aware. After all I'm only a mom--and don't know everything.

Thank you for all your support and suggestions...each one has been taken seriously and to heart. I will keep you posted.

i congratulate you and your daughter for having such a relationship.

I'm so glad that your daughter has a mother like you that she can turn to. I am so touched by your sincere and selfless caring for her. I never received that kind of support when I lived at home, and I was always condemned and punished whenever I brought up what I was struggling with inside myself - because it would have made my mother look bad to people in church and her friends if she had a "sick" daughter. It's so wonderful that your focus is on your daughter's wellbeing, as it should be. I'm really glad that you were so immediately proactive in getting her help and taking her seriously; I'm sure that went a long way in cementing the trust between you two and proving to her that you were there to help her. I know there are several self-injury related sites that are similar to this one, and they would have a lot of information on warning signs and suggestions for how to support your daughter. Again, I just feel like I have to thank you for being such a strong person for your daughter. Keep us posted on how you're both doing!

This post has been edited by Avery: May 21 2007, 10:55 AM

Hello lostlady,

I was very depressed and suicidal at the age of 14. I too tried to slit my wrists but found it quite painful and stopped. My reason for doing it was that the pain in my arm distracted me from the pain in my head and my heart. I didn't get on very well with my mother at the time but one of the things that helped me was when my mother made it very clear to me that it would ruin her life if I was gone. Even though we had our problems, I couldn't do that to her. I'm glad that you have such a good relationship with your daughter - good for you!

Hi,

And thanks...for all those who want to know...she's doing fairly well. I do know that she' like a creature with a shell at times. Tough on the outside, but very fragile on the inside. I'm watching her grow, and I think the incident and feelings are behind us, but I do know she's had a lot to deal with. Thanks. I will keep you posted.

I can identify with her situation because at 15 I felt the same way and although I considered (and in fact almost did) self harm I guess I could never quite go through with it due to being scared of doing it and also of the consequences for either me or my immediate family. My problems stemmed from my parents divorcing when I was 6 and having to uproot and leave friends behind to attend a new school and live with my mother who was quite severely depressed for a long time. She died when I was 13 from cancer. I never had (or at least felt like I never had), from that point, anyone to love or to love me. From what I felt I would hazard a guess that your daughter would probably benefit from being shown she has all the support she could ever need and all the love as well. I'd say make her feel special and tell her how valued she really is by everyone. That's what I wanted anyway. As a mother you probably try to do all this and more without my saying so! but please don't take offence I'm not trying to patronize you or anything that's just what I would have liked. I do sincerely hope she overcomes this difficult time, do keep us updated.

Update on my daughter...she has turned into an amazing person!

She and I are close, and I am still having issues letting go--and not smoothering her with worry. She recently went to the Bahamas with her youth group to work with children of refugees from Haiti...think of that 14 and doing that! She's been all over the place this summer; Boston to see her dad, gospel music school to study (she goes on a scholarship and they work on all kinds of things such as composing, conducting, theory, structure, and singing, and other stuff. She has a blast).

My daughter has not hurt herself again. And we do talk when she's down. We talk about anything SHE wants to talk about. I also let her keep a journal with her best friend...they share it. I generally don't read it unless I am alarmed by something. My girlfriend, who is the mom of the best friend does read it, and for the most part there isn't a thing in there that any 14 year old doesn't deal with.

I appreciate all of you talking about what you went through. I became completely depressed when I was 14 after having been sexually abused by a family member. I went through numerous occassions where I was molested, and I just couldn't cope. I tried all kinds of coping mechanisms, and finally, it took years to learn that sex doesn't equal love. I am extraoridinarly proud of my daughter for her strength. It took guts to tell me what she was feeling and what she did.

I never did express anything to my mom until I began getting treatment a couple of years ago. I had already been in therapy for more than two years when I finally said something. She profusely apologized and cried, and said, "you should not have had to worry about me, I should have taken better care of you."

It's exactly what I tell my daughter now--she doesn't need to worry about me...I am taking care of her. "Mom duty" as I tell her.

Love to all of you. Hang in there. And if you're a mom--one thing I learned my childhood is not hers, and she is already a much better person than me.

Thanks again, and keep in touch.

Kristina

Thanks for the update, it's nice to hear back from people after things are going better! Hope she has fun in the Bahamas.

Wow... I'm glad that there are some parents who actually bother to respond to children crying out for help. When I mentioned suicidal feelings to my mother at around 15 years of age, I got no response at all. Zero. Imagine that.

I was your daughter at fourteen. I was good at expressing myself and emotions but for some reason often felt depressed. I tried cutting myself, and in fact killing myself, but it was all superficial as well. I felt pretty stupid about and still do, even though I am five years older now. If your daughter has high intellect and understands herself better than most people her age, my guess is she will be fine. If she is experiencing depression, she will find her own ways to overcome it. Nevertheless, I would take her to see someone, just to give her that experience. I have seen a few counsellors and a psychologist since I was about 13/14, and I am still considering seeing my old psychologist, but often times I find better solutions when I analyze the problems myself. Your daughter, however, may be different. Most importantly, give her as much attention as she's asking for. Talk to her when she's sad. My mom was as shocked as you were when she found out I wanted to kill myself & slit my wrists. And as much as I hate admitting it, it was a cry for help. Your daughter slitting her wrists may have been a cry for help as well, but NEVER take the chance. Know for sure. And if it is a cry for help, give her the help that she's looking for. It would help when my mom would talk to me about my depression because adults are reasonable and practical. Even if it seems like your daughter isn't listening or doesn't care, she will think twice about it later. I'm pretty sure at least half of the opinions I've formed on depression have been because of my mother's advice. It was all practical, motherly advice, but it works. Good luck!! :)