I told my boyfriend I had a doc appointment, and he asked why; I said because I've been sleeping too much. (It's true.) I didn't want to just come out and say I was depressed - that would open up a whole conversation I'm not ready for. I've kept it to myself for the most part, somehow, by avoiding people.. I don't want him to feel bad. He'd worry. It's also why my mom doesn't know- she'd blame herself, for whatever reason (she'd find a reason) and I don't want to deal with that.
Anyway, it resulted in the following conversation:

"So what did they give you? Like a stimulant or something?"

"They gave me an antidepressant, actually."

"Oh. ..Weird."

"Why is that weird?"

"I thought that was only for people with clinical depression."

"Well.. sleeping eighteen hours a day is sort of a symptom of depression, actually."

"Oh. Well, you don't act depressed."

"..."


So what do you say, when someone tells you that? I'm sure it's a line that's heard often.

I wanted to ask him what he thinks depressed people look like. How he thinks they act. But like I said, that's a conversation I didn't want to open up, and I haven't said anything about it since.
I'm just curious to see what other people have said.

This post has been edited by astralis: Jan 30 2007, 04:11 PM

I havent really told anyone other than some very close people to me.
I cant really say any special comment, but my answer to the thing he said would probably be You just dont get it, and then Id probably try having the long discussion with him about it.
I know the you dont get it comment is not nice, sorry, but thats what Id say in a flash second, then come back to a discussion about everything.

Evin

I say well what exaxctly do you want me to look like

Go with the "what's a depressed person supposed to look like"

They are confusing stereotypical "crazy" with "depressed".

But, I can't say that I've been told that. When I am depressed, I look depressed. Sometimes the symptoms are sleeping, sometime it's "looking serious" or grumpy...sometimes it's anger or drinking (especially for us guys). Everyone is still different.

If I was in a good enough mood, I'd tease someone with "sorry, I'll put my depressed hat on so you'll know" Or would that be a different article of clothing? hmmmm

I would go curl up into a ball on the couch, pull the shades down, and sigh a lot. Then I would ask the person "How about now? Do I look depressed now?"

But that's just me. I have a demented sense of humor sometimes.

He might be just new to the topic and need a little help understanding it. Someone who hasn't experienced it might not know how to react right away. You could enlighten him and hope he is supportive.

i get the 'you are so bubbly and happy all the time' speech from a LOT of people. hah. if they only knew.

Im sorry your boyfriend reacted in this way. Its not easy when people have little understanding about mental illness.

Good on you for going to the doc though, thats a big step in itself.

Take care, keep talking.
SO6

It sounds a little like the response of someone distancing themselves from any blame associated by your depression. I'm not saying he has any blame in it. But people have a perception they should have fixed it, it sort of puts them in a position that they are not helpless, saying that they "didn't know", or "you didn't look depressed". I think it just comes from an unfamiliarity with the subject of depression.

I was in depression for 3 yrs and outloud about it. I always looked really good and happy. One day after numerous seperations from my girlfriend I decided to attempt. Before I did I called to say good bye, while sobbing on the phone, probably pleaing for attention or acknowledgment, she told me go ahead do it! I called my mother as well and she also did not beleive. So, I did it! fortunately it went bad, was found and was admitted to the hospital for 4 wks. No visitors. Still didnt beleive me, thought I was now seeking shelter. I no longer speak to either party. Seek professional help, and if your family is supportive tell them. It can make a huge diiference.

...I guess sometimes people don't understand...
:rose:

Littlestar and Levani, I think you are both expecting a bit too much from people who just don't know or understand what depression is. First of all, there's a stigma still attached to it, despite the fact that it is so common. So right away, people are scared of it if they've never felt it or been close to someone who's felt it. Sucidal feelings are even more difficult to deal with because - think about it - you're making someone feel responsible for bringing you out of this and, if they fail, they know ther are going to have to live with that. That's why this site advises people who are suicidal to seek professional intervention. So, Levani, you need to try and forgive your mother because it would have scared her to death so, for her own emotional protection (I'm a mother myself and nothing terrifies me more than the thought of losing my son!) she decided to disbelieve you. Although I know you were desperate for emotional support at that time, please try to understand and forgive her. Again, the best bet is always to seek professinal intervention. Now that you are back from the brink, you should be able to try and talk to her so she can understand. The same holds true but to a lesser degree for you, Littlestar.Saying you don't look depressed sounds like ignorance for a start. But we are all ignorant of something until we know about it!And, again, it's easier to disbelieve something than to deal with what might suddenly imply a respnosibility on his part to "fix things" for you. So when you feel ready, maybe you should try and explain to him that depression has many faces, and that he is not respnsible for your depression, you are. But that you'd welcome his support!

This post has been edited by BayingAtTheMoon: Feb 7 2007, 06:38 AM

I think he didn't really know how to respond... and that was a sort of non-confronting thing for him to say, to perhaps brush off the seriousness of the situation. To me, that's how i'd view it.... but at the same time, no it would not be nice to have that said to my face.

Before I knew I was depressed, I was constantly told I looked "too serious" or never smiled. At the time I never connected this with depression. Funny now, that i'm "out of the closet" so to speak, people tend to avoid saying things like that.

I used to wear my depression on my sleeve, until I found myself pushing away the very people I loved. I finally told them about my mental illnesses and have since received support from them. For the most part, I wear a "mask" around strangers or new people I meet. So what they see is a happy person. Who you tell is up to you. If they love you and truly care about you, they will not be put off. If you don't think someone will understand, then don't tell them.
Sheepwoman

Like we should have a huge monty python-type arrow pointing down at our brains from the sky screaming 'this person is depressed' ....... GRRR!

When I was deeply depressed I began to hunch over - trying to burrow into the ground away from the World. People thought it was the start of osteoporosis!!!!!

Only my GP can tell! He knows by my body language and stopped me once in the street - many years ago - to tell me to make an appt at the surgery to sort it out. Certainly when the meds are working I don't curl up as much. And as I can be the life and soul of a party - because at that time I feel better - no one realises how much a chronic problem depression is for me.

When I'm anxious I can't concentrate properly so rarely smile if I'm trying to follow a conversation - it seems my brain won't reach a smile as well as concentration! I'm sure I looked sullen for many years.

Hopefully your medication will lift your mood. Then you may feel easier about explaining to your boyfriend how you were and why the medication has been recomended. But don't expect miracles. Only sufferers - this is true of any illness or condition not just depression [I've been through radiation therapy too] - will really have any clue at all!

i've only told people who are also depressed (not intentionally, i just have a depressed family, and two depressed friends.)
although i did kinda say it to the world on a little backwater forum and one person joked that i was crazy, and another called me a fool for not helping myself and finally start living. the second one had a good point though, i tried to do more activities and it worked, until i had no time or concentration to do it anymore and went back to my normal self.

If its someone who barely knows me i go with the "Well most idiots can't"

Family i say "well we don't look related but we are arent we?"

I think I'd interpret "but you don't look depressed" as "wow, I never knew that you were going through that/what depression really looks like."

It's like when I realized my soon-to-be ex-husband was "abusive." I had heard about abusive husbands before, but I had a steorotypical view of men beating their wives to a pulp in order to use that term. So I didn't recognize what was right under my nose at first because 1)people don't like to think their loved ones or themselves have a problem, and 2)I was ignorant on what abuse really was, how it can be verbal, emotional, financial, etc. Sooo... I think the same can be applied in regards to depression. Someone seeing someone else behave a certain way and not having it "click" that it is really depression because of all the steorotypes and not wanting to feel like they missed something that was right under their nose when they could have been helping you.

I know it's frustrating when someone doesn't understand but the best thing you can do is give a face to what depression really is and what it looks like, and they can learn from that.

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