Hello people! lol :)

Don't really know hwere to put this so move it if you want to.

I've noticed these thoughts/fantasys/image's coming and going for the past two years now. I'll try to explain them.

Basically i can be sitting in a room quite happily and then something triggers me to go into fantasy land. these are the main situation's;

- There's a plane in trouble and it crashes into the ground where i live hitting my house and surrounding me in rubble. I am then rescued and placed in hostipal into a coma. My family are there and then theres a close call. everyone is hoping i pull out of it i do.

- I am hit by a car. go to hostipal etc etc like the above

- All my family die's and i am in the house alone crying and thinking about killing myself.

- Also being chased by the police comes around often.

I get really emtionally invovled and its like its actually happening and when i come out of it im crying....

Is this just part of depression? anyone get these weird vivid thoughts? or do i want attetion to happen to me and im just bored.

Naother thing which is bothering me is at the moment is i feel like im an alien that im not part of the human race. im just staring at the screen feeling numb and anxious most of the time. Nothing has any meanin to me anymore - the world is just a void.
Im kept awake at night by just staring at the ceiling thinking about all the negatives about myself. i hate myself, i bring nothing to the world, im just a blemish on society. i wish i was never born. I fell like the government is controlling our lives and we have no control over our lives. *sigh*

Basically im all over the place at the moment..

Hi Brit,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I think a lot of people can relate to your thoughts.
There could be a number of reasons for them, one would be depression, not being able to focus/concentrate and tend to think the worst of things. Maybe it is a side effects from your meds, I don't know if you are taking any?
I must say my mind often drifts off during the day to, but I know I am awake............when I am asleep however at times I have very vivid dreams, wake up crying and wondering if the dream really happened.
Those dreams are usually about the things I fear most......I wonder if you fear of dying, of losing your family is part of your thoughts?

Are you seeing a counselor? I would most certainly bring it up if you are in therapy, can't hurt to get a professional opinion on this.

Take care,

SN

Bloody hell... are we the same person?

Every thought you've put down there I have felt at sometime and it feels like i've felt whats happening when i've been thinking it, almost like it's really happening.

Do you find at the times when you are thinking things like that, that you have quite vivid dreams? That happened to me and i could remember my dreams really well... almost like i'd lived them!!! Like they were real! So I looked up the meanings of the dreams. Every time without fail the meaning of that dream has totally coincided with what is going on with me in my waking life, how I'm feeling.

This might sound a wee bit crazy (.. err.. ya think!?! hehe) but I think those thoughts you are having are little messages from someone out there telling you that there are people out there who would miss you if you were gone... that you are loved...

We live in what can be, a very cruel world at times and it's so easy to get hung up on what is wrong and the injustices of it all especially as we are fed cruelty and intolerance by every medium outlet... BUT even though that is horrid, it shows you still feel. If you didn't.. you wouldn't care. And if you didn't care, what is left? Hang on to your care, it's special, it's a sign there is hope. I get weighed down by all the injustices a lot of the time so I try not to watch much news. I can't change the world, I can't heal the world, god I wish I could but all I can do is make good in my little part of the world. With my friends, my family, my bit of the planet.

Look at the petals of a flower growing by your garden fence. Marvel in its beauty. Watch a wave roll onto the beach or a bird in a tree, an ant going about its business. See and feel the beauty on this earth, there is lots of it around, we just aren't fed it. Treat you and others around you with care. We all need some care and it comes in the most unlikely form when we least expect it.

You're not nuts.. you're perfectly normal!!!!!!

Hang in there mate!

jm
x

I think that these scenarios are partly caused by a feeling that you might feel unloved sometimes? I make up scenarios akin to yours in my head and actually bring myself to tears in the car. Then feel selfish, like I am wishing bad things on myself so someone shows caring.

I also get very emotional when someone shows me that they care. For example I hurt my ankle once and someone came over and hugged me. I started bawling and it wasn't even that painful. Its like we need to know someone cares.

I am sure you are loved and cared for but depression is distorting your perception of the attention that you already have. That is, not being able to hold on to those good feelings unless they're actively happening. I don't know how to help you get over this but I can understand!!!

One question...do you hide your feelings, keep in the good feelings as well as the bad? Never show excitement or sorrow outwardly? If so, maybe doing something like what jm described could be a positive outlet for those feelings as well as something for you to focus on that is positive and not sad.

( :

Thank's for the comments. quite comforting that im not the only one.

I'll quickly reepsoind as my dad wants the pc.

Sarah - It could be the side effects of the meds im taking (remeron & seroquel). But i had these thoughts before i took meds so i doubt if its them. They generally come from no where.
I am seeing a therapist for CBT but that's generally to address my anxiety issues so i feel stupid bringing up my depression in front of her, although i blurted out i self harm and tryed to kill myself twice! so this can't be any more awkward.

Justme - I'm glad you can relate. Funny that you mention vivid dreams becuase of late i have had VERY vivid dreams and i can remeber quite alot of them in the morning. Although most of them are really weird lol and quite abstract. Thanks for the advice ill try and take some of it up.
But it is winter here lol. so not much excitment nature wise! apart from blandness.

Yeah hopper. i understand what your saying about not feeling loved, even though i am by my family. like you say its probably the depression distorting the way i think and feel aobut the world.
And yes i do bottle both emotions up i think. and that is part of my problem but im working on it.

Good night.

((((brit))))
it does sound like depression to me.. and i have had those thoughts. and i have cried thinking about myself getting run over by a car and dying, thinking about how sad everyone would be, and what a waste my life had been fighting all this mental illness. ive thought about my space heater leaking carbon monoxide gas many times.. depending on my level of depression, im happy about it, neutral about it, angry about it, or sad about it.

i kind of think it is kind of a transition depression.. like when i was suicidal, i didnt get overly emotional at the thought of me dying..it would be great. i didnt find it overly sad. but there is this severe depression between suicidal ideation and a more mild depression where you think about death, but it makes you sad/emotional.

im not currently depressed and even still some of those thoughts remain.. but now the thought of tragic death makes me sad and angry..how i could die when im finally getting somewhere in life and how something could take that away from me.

talk to your doc about this!

<3

Dreamology. However 'new age' it sounds has worked heaps for me. Try to remember key elements in your dream. Like if you had a dream with a dog in it, look up the word dog and then you can ascertain whether the dog was angry or happy and take it from there. It's unbelievably spot on most of the time! Pretty spooky!

If you want a good site with dream interpretations, PM me and I will send you the one I use.


jm
x

Thanks cina ((hugs)).You always seem to make alot of sense when you post.

I forgot to say that sometimes i get euphoric/high when i think about these things. other times i cry, other times im angry. like you said cinna. It just seems that my mood changes too often. one minute im happy, next suicidel and im hanging myself for no ******* reason, then i'm in between depression and normal but my mind races and i have suicidal thoughts in there somehwere when im trying to do something then i do something else before finishing the other task. Then i feel like im gonna burst out of my skin. intense rage follows then im ok....what gives.
yep all over the place
none of this use to happen when i wasn't on ad's as much.

after my sons accident i had the worst thoughts. they wouldnt let me sleep. or think or anything

Brit,

I am glad you are seeing a therapist but I also think it would be good if you talked about these thoughts too....soemtimes we get so caught up in one direction that other issues stay untouched.
Moods swings and vivid thoughts won't just disappear by getting CBT, you know?
Bring it up, it really won't hurt you and maybe you t. will decide to change tactics or refer you to another t.
I don't know, but if I were you I would most definitely bring it up.
Not being totally honest is not helpful in therapy period

Good luck and keep us posted,

SN

those mood swings are VERY familiar to me.. and well..i was diagnosed bipolar 2. ADs might energize/agitate people who are bipolar. so just keep this in mind if the AD does not work or makes you worse. one moment i would feel like it was all over and have a panic attack from desperation to die.. and the next moment i would go out with friends and feel normal.

<3

Hi there

No, this is not something strange or unusual, I think its part of depression and if you have a vivid imagination its also alot of images are coming to you because of this. I think that the fact about dying and losing family and so on is because youre sad and feel bad about yourself, like you dont deserve to live. I also think the thing about feeling like an alien in the world is about having low self esteem and not having anyone to talk to IRL, is that close to how it is?

I am a lot like this too, so I can certainly relate!!!

Youre not alone!

((brit))

Thanks for the reply's everyone your opinion means alot to me.

I have a check up with the docter tomorrow anyway and i see my therapist on weds. Think ill print this off and show it to both of them and see what they think.
I've not really read up on bipolar. I always thought if you have it, you get manic/hypomanic/. which i don't get. I guess not everyone who has bipolar feels euphoric when there manic?

Hi evin :)

Pretty much on the mark. although i do have friends, close with my brother. but i can't talk about depression and mental illnesses seriously with them. they just don't understand. Most of the time when i go out i feel fine anyway so i don't look depressed to them, but on the inside it's different.

my hypomania= agitated depression.. lovely eh? panic attacks..generalized anxiety..intense suicidal thoughts.. rage attacks.. things i dont have in general.

<3
good luck with your appts!!

I do the same thing, kind of. I have random thoughts about hurting myself, or things that I think would be unusual. When I'm driving I think about swerving into the oncoming lane, or when I'm holding knives or scissors I think about cutting myself. Sometimes I think about leaving town and never coming back. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I stopped speaking. Things that would just be wierd I guess. I don't usaully involve other people and usually they're things I have control of, and am completely able to do at that time.

Re-reading that I think I make it sound alot worse than it is. I don't seriously consider the thoughts, they're more like "what ifs".