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This post has been edited by Dispatch: Dec 21 2006, 07:19 AM

It's NOT a stupid idea at all, D... and I will get mine together too and post later tonight after I take the hubby to the airport... Great idea! (((((D)))))

Hi all,

I'd like to start off by saying, Dispatch, your idea was (is) GREAT. In fact, I was looking for something like this.


As a young adolescent, I shoplifted. I stole things I liked, didn™t like, didn™t care for. I just did it. I was coming up from a major depressive episode. I felt good. I felt great. I felt a rush. (maybe that is just a consequence of breaking the law. I later was caught and got in some trouble.) Anyway, after my depression, I felt like I was flying a little higher than everyone else, sometimes¦That has only happened once, though. I had another bout with depression since but no manic symptoms.

so, I have a question. For any of you who have bp, when you go on those shopping sprees or commit "irresponsible" acts, what do you feel like when you're doing them? are they impulsive acts?

Impulsive acts?
Like seducing a man for sport when I was already married to a man I loved?
Twice?
Destroying both my marriages???
Ugh.

It makes more sense now that I've been diagnosed BP2. When I get into a hypomanic phase, I feel like I have power over everyone, and I am so deep into my own world that I don't consider the consequences.
I've hurt a LOT of people and divorced two wonderful men, just because of stupid impulsive choices that I was too stubborn to admit were stupid impulsive choices...
I PRAY PRAY PRAY that awareness and medication, along with BP2 to become less about the manias as one ages, will help me NOT to make the same stupid impulsive choices in the future.
But the possibility is always there.
The depressed me thinks the hypomanic me is a total tramp.
The hypomanic me thinks the depressed me is an asocial schoolmarm.
The "me I want to be" is just trying to stay balanced.
I have lots of other BP2 manifestations in my life (financial chaos, job instability, etc) but this is the one that hurts the most, because I've hurt so many people. Now that I can admit to myself that I did something stupid on impulse, I've finally dropped the charade that something was wrong with my marriages. It wasn't that "he didn't understand me" or "he didn't give me enough respect" that ended things. It was just my stupid impulse, combined with stubborness and pride that wouldn't let me recognize it for what it was. And now that I recognize what it was, I feel guilty. So, so guilty.
Sorry if this is too explicit. It's a lot of stuff in my head right now. After years of being treated for depression, this new BP2 diagnosis is a lot to take in. It's the piece that completes the puzzle, but I still can't figure out what the puzzle is supposed to look like...
Dang. I think I just wrote my way down.
I'm going to bed.

Hey everybody-  I was just diagnosed with biplor 2 and am on depakote and Lamictal- love that Lamictal!
Anyway- I am VERY impulsive-  I have shopped us into horrible debt and still buy crap I don't need b/c I can't control myself.  I self-medicated for close to 15 years- alcohol and coke with a little meth thrown in.  I was in trouble with the law, also, but got out of it.  A few years ago I got a tattoo out of the blue and am now inpulsive in that area too- got a couple more.
I, at times, get up at 1:30- 2am and literally feel fine all day-not tired at all.  I rush around the house and start numerous projects that never get finished.
I was extremely angry and irritable before the depakote and lamictal- I had this horrible pressure that seemed to be deep within and I could barely contain it and at times I would break things and scream.
That's about all I can think of right now :idea3:
Dispatch- I think this is a really good thread!

Kalley

Great thread as i'm wondering if I might have Bi Polar, so to be able to read your experiences is so helpful, thanks

This is an excellent idea.  I will need a bit of time to compose a proper post, but I will be back to participate.

SC

Ka11ey, I seem to also have this things for tattoos.  When I am in a hypomanic state I always seem to think it is such a great idea to get a tattoo ..... I now have several.  I was ok with it as long as I got them where they could not be seen if I had to wear heels, hose and a business suite at work....but the last one was a bigggg tattoo on the inside of my left ankle and it is very obvious.  Needless to say when my happy times were over, I was very upset with myself.

Glinda,

Thanks for your response. It's okay that it was explicit... I just hope you don't continue to feel [I] guilty, you have to account for the fact you were hypomanic. it's kind of like on good days I can admit to myself that depression plays a role in my performance, thoughts, feelings. On a bad day it is all my fault; there is no such thing as an illness which causes people to be depressed.

oh, by the way, during very depressed times, has anyone denied they were depressed? i think that a lot when i'm in those dark places.

I was officially diagnosed with BP 20 years ago. LOTS of experiences before that and I didn't know why they were happening. There is some question as to whether I'm BP 1 or 2. I exhibit both. My last manic episode lasted about 6 weeks, levelled off and then I fell into severe depression. I just got out of the hospital after a 28 day stay. Whew!!!
Sheepwoman

Hmmmmmmmmm....

BP Stories: Lets see where to begin at age 6 or when things got out of control?

Well way back in 1980 way before I was diagnosed as anything, I went into a deep deep DEEP depression. Don't know why or even how I came out of it, never thought of going to a pdoc back then.( Ohh the Stigma!!!) haha
Then I went into the biggest Manic & I mean Psyco MANIC phase of my life. I was 16 and had pretty much stopped going to school, was spending lots & lots of money, my senior year of HS 1983 I was driving a 1984 Corvette. But that was 2 years after I had already started to spend money. I traveled, went all over the world, always took my best friend and always paid for everything.  

All this time I never once thought anything was wrong, , I felt great and was having a wonderful time, didn't think it would ever end.  This on again off again(mostly On), Mania went on from about 1982 till 1991 or 1992. I know that during that time I spent enough money, that had it been invested right, I would have never had to work a day in my life.

Ok explaination--I was a trust fund baby, my Grand Mother had setup several for me that I received starting from the time I was 16 untill I turned 23, I got the majority when I turned 21 & again when she died.  

Ok I know I know where were the parents of this Manic 16+ year old boy who seemed to have gone wild?  I was the youngest of 2 I have an older sister. By the time I was in HS, my Mom had had enough of my Dad. It was my Mom's family that had money, & when they got married my Dad was going to be the sole provider so all of my Mom's money went into "Storage". About the same time she started going through menopause, so she had pretty much gone wild herself. So she wasn't around much, and my Dad that had built a house closer to his Business and tried to get my Mom to move there with him long before they split up, had moved into that house, and it wasn't in town, so I hardly ever saw him.

So there's a pretty lousy reason why from 1981 to 1992, I spent over $(Don't want to think about the amount) & have nothing to show for it.
Just a few memories, some good some not so good. During this whole time frame I was self medicating with Alcohol & Pot. And never thought anything was wrong with my life.

Then it all came to an abrupt end another very VERY Bad Depression hit & hit Hard, hospitalization the works. I was originally diagnosed as cyclothymic, but that changed when I started to be honest w/the doc, and it became BP, back then they didn't have different types i.e. I, II, III etc.
The first AD I ever took was one of the old Trycylics(sp), it snapped me out of the depression, but caused another Mania/Hypo-Mainia phase. And when I felt good I wouldn't go to the doc and would stop taking the meds.

So for most of the 90's I self medicated & only ever had a little hypo-mainia, and some depression spells. Thought that was the way life was supposed to be. Did go through 2 or 3 pdocs during that decade.

Then in 2001 I lost it again big time, total hospitalization the works, the weird thing about that was I had been taking AD's and a Mood Stabilizer that I got from my GP, he would pretty much write me a script for anything I asked for, and I had done all the research, had been on and off lots of different AD's and MS's, so I guess I was self medicating with the help of a GP.
After the hospital, and my breakdown at the begining of 2001, I started seeing a new shrink, he got a cocktail together that worked for me and he's also the one that labeled me BPII, Rapid Cycler.

The meds he had me on were working just fine, but I was taking a handfull in the morning and a handfull at night. So that's when he told me about Lamictal, and how I would only have to take one psych med a day. So we weaned off the others rather fast, I thought. And started the Lamictal, I worked my way up to 150mgs a day, couldn't tell a difference the way I felt from what I was taking to the Lamictal, except that I had lost my appetite. I've lost over 25 pounds, and the pdoc says it's not the Lamictal, but maybe the Anxiety, he wants me to have a bunch of blood work and other test done so I've made an appt with my GP.

And then the entire 1st week of January 05 is a mystery to me, I lost my memory, I couldn't function, I was mean & abusive(at least this is what I've been told and I have no reason not to believe it). Even now I can't remember what happened for the most part of that week.  I do know I went to the pdoc at least 3 times, K met me there once, and took me the other 2. I also made an appt with an over qualified Therapist(too many credentials after his name), but no MD so he can't write a script.  I like him he's a couple of years younger than me, and he's using CBT with me, so far so good, I've been once a week since Jan, just getting ready to go to every other week. He says CBT is supposed to be short term Therapy.

The pdoc added a smaller amount of the AD I was taking to the Lamictal, and lots of Xanax XR. See my profile for the whole list of meds.

For me anyway the whole BP thing is getting worse the older I get, although that could be because I went so long off meds, and self medicated. But my anxiety level has jumped through the roof. I'm having Panic Attacks just about everywhere, the more people around the worse they are. I get paranoid for no reason. I never had Panic Attacks or paranoia before.  

I had Anxiety, don't know why, but found a doc back in 1989 that wrote me a script for Librium 25mgs up to 6 times a day prn. That along with all the drinking, were the calmest times in my life. But I felt like a zombie, stayed up late didn't get up till 2pm or later, but felt OK, not manic just OK. Then he retired, and you just try to find a doc that will write a script for Librium, let alone the amount I was taking. Shortly there after came pdoc #5 or 6 don't remember, but this one was different, he wasn't just a med check, less than 15 minute appt.  He was the old fashioned Freud type shrink (think HUFF from Showtime).  So I didn't need a therapist too.  He started me on Wellbutrin, back before the XR or XL, and since the old Regular Wellbutrin doesn't stay in your system for very long I was having to take it 4 times a day, (Pain in the A**) that worked for a while then my Insurance switched a year or 2 later, and I stopped going to the pdoc & stopped taking the meds. that was around 1996, so from there till 2001 is when I went unmedicated, well self-medicated.

Since starting this pdoc back in 2001, things have mostly been OK, some ups & downs, I think I needed to be on an anti anxiety med a long time ago, but I was honest with him about the drinking, and he wouldn't give me any benzos. At least till I had stopped for over a year.

Now it's just a special occassion thing I just don't like it anymore. And it's been a few years now without alcohol except the special occassion thing, and I did it by myself, AA got old real fast, and I had decided I wanted to stop anyway, so I just quit.

Jees this has to be way too long. Sorry.

HugZ
Tom

Tom, that was not too long at all.  I see a lot of me in you.   ...and everyone else so far too...Thanks for sharing yourselves with us.    :hearts:

Me?    I'm still reaching back to when all this began, before I was ever dx.  I think it all started with my "Self Destruction Tour 80-81".  So anyway, I'm gettin this together and will post soon.  Thanks to all for sharing.  I think we will see a bit of ourselves in each other, and let those who are searching (aren't we all ?)finally find at least somethings that they can relate to.  Just so we all know we are not alone in the havoc this disease can cause and find hope through the experiences of others.    

Later....R   :)    Oh, thanks again all
                                     Bipolars  

Finally, a diagnosis that sounds cool! Thanks, Dispatch!

Live from the "Self-Destruction Tour 1989-90" and "Self-Destruction Tour II 1997" and "Self-Destruction Tour III 1998, 2000, 2004"--they LOVE me in Japan!

G

mine's coming too if I can get my Topamax-fog infested brain organized enough and together to write it out for you... OMG! I'm so brain-dead!

talk about self-destruction... self-hatred.... self-mutilation.... self-gratification Tour of 1962 to present :(

Thank you so much Dispatch for starting this thread.  I've been feeling so alone, like me and my son are the only one's on the planet that go through this.

Let's see...looking back I was cycling all my life pretty much.  My dad is a paranoid schizophrenic with suicidal and homicidal tendencies and PTSD from Vietnam (original dx was bp but they changed it.  I believe he had schizoaffective disorder, but don't quote me on that).  He used to knock us all around and I pretty much lived in fear of him because he's a really big (tall) man and he looked like a giant to me.  So I spent the better part of my childhood cowering in my room feeling worthless and unloved.  

I was about 9 when my mother caught my bro messing mith me sexually and she blamed me, not him.  So again I'm worthless and stupid and...you get the picture.  You get beat down enough you will definitely get depressed.  First suicide attempt was around this time with daddy's meds.

At 12 another family member started messing with me.  Went on for years.  Felt used and dirty and of course depressed.  Second suicide attempt with more of daddy's pills (still not enough though).

In high school I was always hyped up, never slept, doing so many activities I had to skip one to do another.  But then there would be the times when I hated myself and it took everything I had to get out of that bed just to face the day.  But I had a great motivator, my dad.  Get up and get movin' or get the crap kicked outta ya.  So I guess I was rapid cycling throughout high school.  Tried suicide twice more, even told mother who said not to worry, everybody does it (thanks mom).  

The cycling kept going off and on until I was I guess 27, mostly depression.  Oh but the manic times were so good.  I'd spend money, go with guys, drink like a fish, just basically partay except when I was home with my son who I had at 19.  About that time I got it into my head that hubby or I had to die, I didn't care which one.  Told my GP about it and she put me on Zoloft (not the drug for me believe me.  made me worse x 100000000).  Took it for about a year and just quit, I couldn't stand it any more.

My son (he's bp too) had about a 6 month spell where he didn't sleep hardly at all.  By that time I had another son and I was staying up all night with the older one and all day with the younger one.  Finally, my older son went after his dad with a butcher knife over a pair of shoes and I knew I had to do something so he ended up in the hospital (where he got his dx).  I went nuts.  I couldn't eat or sleep or take care of my younger son.  It was almost 2 months of pure hell.  I cried all of the time literally.

And that is what finally led me to a shrink myself.  My bro had been seeing this shrink and stopped and I had asked her to take on my son.  I made an appointment with her and with a very good medical history and the fact that my son and bro are both bipolar she decided that I am too.  And so in 2001 the search for the right med combo began.  I have taken Wellbutrin, WellbutrinXR, WellbutrinXL, Trazadone, Seroquel, Risperdal, Remeron, Thorazine, Lamictal (with the rash), Topomax, Celexa, Lexapro, Trileptal, Neurontin, Zoloft, Effexor, Zyprexa, Ativan, Klonipin, Propranolol, Geodon, and Symbyax.  Symbyax with Trileptal and Seroquel has worked the best although I'm between docs and off meds at the moment.

Typically when I'm manic I can spend all of our money and then some (borrow from the parents) and have nothing to show for it, load the family in the car at all times of the day and night and just hit the road (I really want to be by myself but my whole family is special needs and can't make it without me), drink any human being under the table, pick a fight with the Pope and win it, and yes, I have a lovely large tribal wolf tattoo on the outside of my left leg that only pants will cover.  I never pay a bill.  And I think I'm invincible.  Worst manic episode was when I moved my family from Alabama to Ohio to be near a "friend" I met on the net.  We lived in a motel room for two weeks then 9/11 happened and I beelined home to my parents' house to start all over since I'd spent every dime we had again.

When depressed, I don't matter.  I'm dead inside.  I have rushing thoughts of all kinds of heinous stuff to do to myself.  I have urges to do myself harm.  I go straight to suicidal.  I'll go for days and not eat or speak.  I can spend days in bed only getting up when I absolutely have to.  And I have the most terrible headaches when I'm depressed.

I never sleep unless I've been knocked out by some drug and as I'm out right now that means I'm not sleeping.  Sometimes I miss it and sometimes I don't.  Just depends on my mood.  And that's  about all there is to my bp.

Wonderful topic, Dispatch!  Thank you.  In the past, I could really relate to kalley,  except for the meth and tattoos
But I did lots of diet coke and jack and 'legal' amphetamines!
When and if I can come up with somethng more, I'll be certain to add it here.  :;):    
(I need to purchase more drinking glasses!   )