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Lindsay  Lindsay

My sister's letter......

My sister's letter......

I am a pathological liar. I lie to everyone around me. 

I say I have friends, that I am busy, happy, nice, smart. 
The person I lie to the most is me. I tell myself that I'm worth something and that
I prefer not to have anyone who likes me. 

Everyone leaves a room I enter. 

People stop talking when I get close. 

When I say something it is ignored or made fun of.

In less than a day I can go from bouncing off the walls to don't even want to move. 

Sometimes I go entire weeks where having no one who wants me around doesn't bother
me at all, then I cry for weeks for being so pathetic that I don't even have one
I try to be good, I try to avoid people and not talk. But once someone says
something, anything, to me, I can't stop talking and I follow them around like a
lost puppy. Except I'm way more annoying. 

If someone actually talks to me, it's like I can't stop talking. I feel like I have
to get a few days worth of interaction into this one conversation. People really
hate that. They tend to run away really fast. I can't help it. That will be the only
conversation that day probably, and I just can't keep my mouth shut. 

I'm not sure if I should thank people or cry when they remind me that I'm not good
enough. I want to cry, but if I'm thankful for the reminder, it hurts less. 

I am not funny.

I am not pretty. 

I am not good or kind. 

I am not someone people want to be around. 

I am selfish. 

I am fat and ugly.

I am nothing and I am no one. 

All I ever do is complain. 

Lately I've had a hare trigger, and anything can trip it.

I'm either empty or I'm sad. Unless I'm angry. Come on road rage. 

I always have to try to one up people, because that is the only way I sometimes get
praise or attention. I know that sounds bad, but 1 minute of attention a day is more
than I usually get. 

I haven't had a birthday party since the 4th grade. I haven't really had friends
since then. 

I have people that I can exchange pleasantries with, but nothing more. 

My one friend in middle and high school one day decided to cuss me out and tell my
secrets to an entire classroom. After that I didn't even approach anyone. No point.
The library became my best friend. Lunch and break. 

I was the kid that just faded into the background. Always first into class, sitting
in the back, not talking to other kids. I almost wish I was bullied. Then at least
people would have noticed I was there. 

One of my jobs now is watching people. I watch groups come in and play for hours at
a time and I have to yell at myself not to cry or look away because I want that. I
want to go out with people and have fun. I want to play. I want to smile and have it
be something other than a mask. I want friends. 

I have nothing. 

I was never good enough to be a friend to anyone, let alone a girlfriend. 

I tell people that I made a deal with my parents, that I wouldn't have a boyfriend,
but the truth is that I'm just not good enough. Never have been. Now I tell them
that I'm too busy to date. 

Now I see a cute guy. And the first thing that pops into my head is that I have less
chance with him than a bug. I will never be good enough to even be friends, anything
more is a joke. 

If a guy asks me out, I look around for who is laughing. Who joked him into asking
me out. No sane person would even want to get within 20 feet of me. 

Hell, people at work think I'm lesbo now. Just because I've never had a boyfriend
and they never see me flirting. I don't flirt because there is no point. 

If someone asks why I don't have a boyfriend, I do get tired of the bs line I give.
I really want to ask them if, since I can't even get 1 friend, do they think I could
actually get a boyfriend?????!!!!!

I tell people that I have friends. I don't. I have roommates who are friends. They
sometimes, rarely, include me. I usually turn them down. I don't like to feel like a
pity case. But I just can't help myself sometimes. If not for them, sometimes I
could go more than a week without even speaking to someone. 

They normally just ignore me though. They make their plans, and pretend i don't exist. 

If one person asks me to do something outside of work or school, it makes my life
for the next six months. 

I won't accept. It's the invitation that matters to me. If I went, they would
realize how worthless and annoying I am and never invite me again. Been there, done
that. It's happened too many times to count. Don't need any more reminders. 

On my 21st bday some coworkers asked me out drinking. They told me that they'd pick
me up. I was so happy. I got dressed up, makeup, hair, everything. I sat up waiting
till midnight before I broke down crying. The next night they told me that the bar
was really fun. I just wanted to hide in a hole. 

I know better. I know that no one wants me near them. I was just too desperate to
think that someone cared a little. Not going to happen again. I'm tired of being
reminded by others. It hurts less when I do it for them. 

My favorite is when they invite everyone around me to a party or to go drinking,
except me. They act like I'm invisible. They sit around talking about how awesome
the thing was afterwards, how everyone was there, and how silly people acted. I
sometimes wonder if they do it in front of me to remind me that no one wanted me

I tell people that I'm too busy to do things. I'm not. I go to work. I go to school.
The rest of the time I sit in my room and try to get lost in a book, so I don't
think about what a waste of space I am. I sleep about ten hours a day now, just so I
don't have to think about it. 

I will die a virgin, no one will ever want to be with me in any meaningful way, and
I'm not pretty enough even to get a one night stand. 

People think I like to show off, I don't. I ask them to look at my work and I nit
pick because I never feel like its good enough. I point out their faults because I
don't want to be blamed for their mistakes. 

I always have to be right, or at least accurate, otherwise I'm useless in addition
to unwanted. Sometimes I spit out random facts just to prove that I'm not stupid. I
don't know why.  I know people hate it when I do that. Like I'm a know it all. 

I can't stop myself from eavesdropping on conversations. Then I open my mouth and
people leave. 

I must be insane. Definition: repeating the same action time and again and expecting
a different result. 

Self esteem. Zero

Self worth. Zero 

Other peoples regard for me. Zero. 

I try to tell myself that I am used to being nothing, that it shouldn't bother me,
but every time I am reminded of it, I want to cry.

People tell me that I must make my boyfriends life hell, or that I'll drive my
friends away. Ha, it's way too late for that! I just smile and get away as fast as
possible. Then I silently thank them for reminding me that no one wants me near
them. Then breakdown later. That I can annoy someone by just walking into the same
room as them is a skill I wish I didn't have. 

Hell, I think I've started to annoy everyone on purpose now, just to say that it is
something I do, not something that I am that drives people away. 

Animals are the only beings I trust now. They don't care if I'm annoying or if I
talk too much. They don't care if I'm ugly or defensive. They just care about being
fed, being warm and being petted. 

I miss my cat, my dog and my horse. They were the only ones I could always talk to.
Now I have no one. Where I am, I can only have fish, and fish can't cuddle. 

Whenever I used to cry, my cat would cuddle up with me and my dog would lick my
face. You can never feel lonely with a dog. They really are best friends. 

My horse loved it when I was upset. I want to use energy and kick something, my
horse loved to run. Even. 

I really do need to stop talking to people at all. All I do is annoy them. Maybe if
I don't talk anymore they will stay in a room with me. 

I need to stop arguing too. That's how I usually keep someone talking. I say the
opposite of what they want. It just annoys them more than me rambling though. 

Staying quiet is the best thing to do I think. Just hope it will work. 

Even if they don't talk to me, talking around me is better than everyone leaving
when they see me...... Right?

I used to be the first one up. Never slept in and never got up late. 

Lately I can't wake up at all. I hit snooze so many times that I'm almost late to
work almost every day. Doesn't matter how many alarms I set or where they are, I
just get back in bed. The only reason I'm not constantly late to work is because my
roommates are nice enough to yell at me till I'm up if I'm not up right before I
have to leave.  I'm scared they won't be up one night to wake me up. 

I also don't eat much anymore. I used to cook 3 good meals a day. Now, I might eat
once a day, and that might be a cup of frozen peas or a slice of pie or smashed

It's not because I'm fat, I'm just not hungry. Sometimes I have to force myself to
eat its that bad. 

I don't know what's wrong with me. I know that I'm not good enough to be anything to
anyone, but I still dream about more. No matter how hard I try to stop, I can't. 

I need to stop dreaming big. It will never happen and the more I dream the more I
hurt. I need to lower what I hope for......maybe someone who wants to copy homework
5 minutes a month? Probably won't happen, but that's as high as I should hope. 

I wonder how my parents never noticed that I didn't have friends. I never went
anywhere or talked to anyone........were they oblivious, or did they just not care? 

I know that they care more for my brother and sister, but do they really just not
care for me?

My brother, the oldest and only boy was always talked about. He didn't have chores.
He got a car in his sweet 16 party. He always had a party. 

My sister, the baby with add got whatever she wanted. Don't want to share a room?
Dallas will sleep in a corner on the floor. Don't want to do chores? Dallas will do
them. Very artsy. Mom always showed off her crafts. 

I was captain of the swim team. I was in the top 10% at graduation. I never asked
for things and did my chores. Everyone want to go out and have some fun? Dallas will
stay and babysit. I was never talked about. On my 16th bday they all went out boat
shopping all day, didn't tell me where they were going. On my 18th bday, everyone
went to a BBQ without me, I came home to 1 slice of bday cake left. 

They did tell me that they love me. I believe them, I'm just not sure that they ever
wanted me. 

My teachers hate me. I can't sit still in class. I'm always moving. It's hard for me
to pay attention too. I need to be doing multiple things at a time otherwise I'll
doze off or go insane. I can read a book and listen to a lecture at the same time
and still summarize the lecture back to the teacher. They don't see it that way.
They think I'm just not paying attention. They don't realize that no matter how hard
I try, I just can't sit still and take notes. 

I love reading, but unless the book is extremely interesting, I'm usually reading 4
or more books at the same time. Couple pages of this one, couple pages of that

It's like when I have an outlet for my energy, it never ends. I can do sprints
forever, and when I get my breath back, I'm all hyper again. At work, when there a
lot to do, I'm running all night. But if here is nothing to do, all I can think
about is sleep. 

Same with people. When there is someone who can stand to be near me, I'm all hyper,
I never stop moving. But take that person away and I move like a snail. 

I've finally done it. I have annoyed everyone who comes in normal contact with me at
work. No one, no one will come near me. I used to at least have the sup for an hour
in the morning, now he's not coming in until after I leave. The last time I saw him,
he was making a joke about me. He was in the office and I was gonna say hi, but then
he looked at the other person in the office and said; oh no, Dallas opened her
mouth. Then he laughed and walked away. Haven't seen him since. 

I knew it was going to happen and I know I deserved it, but it still hurts to have
the only person who still talked to me leave. 

I know I've been thinking of just not talking any more lately, but it might be time
to start for real. I've driven everyone away. Everyone else are like universal
remotes. I'm this dinky little thing with two buttons: mute or annoy. 

The fact that this is the only place that I can hash my problems makes me even more
pathetic. I kinda wanna go to a shrink, but it's probably me wanting attention
again. There are people out there that have real problems, I'm just being stupid.

I actually tried once. I just felt like she wasn't listening to me. I couldn't take
it anymore, came up with a bs line about bad moods getting worse with coffee and
never went back. 

Probably for the best. I don't want to waste someone's time if they could be doing
good for somebody who is actually worth it. 

Thank you for reading my sisters' story

"dallas alberthal"

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